By
’Tunji Ajibade
tunjioa@yahoo.com
It’s been happening for us according to pan; sorry, I mean plan. Excuse my slip but it happens when you are excited, doesn’t it? And I am because things are working according to our plan at the moment as the opposition party. I can tell you that for free. So it’s with glee I welcome you all to this press briefing, and, uh, well, you may call it press debriefing and it’s still fine and dandy. I accept it with glee. Uh? Did I hear one of you press people say, Glee? Of course it is with glee.
Even you, what would you do if the ruling party you wanted to fling out of Number 10 was dancing and wriggling its waist vigorously to the tune you made? That’s what is happening to the Tories at the moment. It’s what we make happen to them if you don’t know. But as a Member of Parliament who also speaks for the party, I know and I can tell you that– Uh? Kim, from The Arctic. You say what did we make happen? You see, my plan is to first deliver my written address before I take your questions; but if you press people choose to make this one freestyle, I’m here to do your bidding. I have to because you make things better for us when you write your own script as you like it.
You see, my experience with the press is that you do a better job for us in the opposition party when you are left to write what you please, and we simply fill in the gaps. It’s a better arrangement for us. Okay, you too consider it; which is better – when the government-funded Bluebird Broadcasting Company tears the occupant of Number 10 apart as they always do, and as they actually did to Boris Johnson, or when we do that job ourselves? My African friends taught me a wise African saying, you know. They say when you have someone join you to lift a load onto your head, there is no point struggling with the load on your own. Uh, you are smiling. But it’s the truth. Think of it, why would you do tough jobs yourself when others can easily do it for you? To me, that’s the definition of smart. We let you guys do the tearing down and we watch with glee. And you have been making a good job of it – snapping at their heels all the time – except that there was a gaffe the other day. Yes, gaffe, committed by one of you.
You see, I’ve stated it time and again, the opposition party cannot afford to let you report things that would make anyone in the ruling party look good, not even Boris although he’s out of Number 10 for the moment. Uh? Ted, from The Lookers. You say, why did I say, ‘for the moment?’ Uh? You are not attending this monthly debriefing for the first time, are you? Boris is a political maverick as I’ve always said. We can’t afford to take our eyes off him. Look, even though he is not in that office, his is a case of holding the tiger by the tail. We in the opposition can’t be lax. We must the vigilant. That’s the latest motto Sir Kier Stammer has been drumming into us. And I agree with him five million percent. You too, if your political rival is a maverick called Boris, would you advise your worst enemy to look away for one second? Do. But you can be sure it’s at your own risk, not mine. See, our number one heartache, I mean headache, is Boris. We want to keep him away from where he’s always locked his gaze like an eagle locked onto a prized prey.
Yes, I was about to say some things regarding what one of you did. The media house reported that Boris got a gift of bicycle. You don’t need it. You don’t need to report that kind of thing of all the news items trending. Uh? You ask, Why? Of course such a report was a piece of good publicity for him. I understand the media house tried to do our job for us by calling attention to all the nice gifts he’s been given in and out of office as PM, and for some of which he didn’t have to pay tax. In fact, I take special note of an inference the report cleverly and derogatorily made about him, saying “Weeks after the British public told him to get on his bike…” Even though Boris actually resigned, the report implied that people voted him out of office. But it is good as it puts ideas in voters’ head, just as the bike story puts ideas in people’s head.
The challenge is that the bike story has turned out to be good for Boris and we cannot afford it in the opposition. We cannot let him have a single flat piece of corn flake as good news. This maverick of a politician has a knack for turning what you think is bad news to good news for himself. Even when he doesn’t as much as raise his hand to ruffle that nature’s gift on his head, news that you meant to show him bad always ended up showing him good. So mourning is what you can call the mood in the opposition at this time. The bike story is a real migraine for us. It’s the latest in a series, and it’s the reason for this press debriefing. This story about Boris being gifted with a bike by the President of Kurdistan and the President of the United States, Joe Biden, is a publicity plus for him.
It’s what we know always happens him for, the very reason those of us in the opposition are ever wary of him. After I read the report I called our Strategists and asked them to check the latest opinion polls. Would you believe what they found? People talk positively more about the £4,000 bike that the Kurdistan president gave him. They think it’s cool to be the lucky owner of such a rare designer bike. They admired the bike, caring nothing about the unraveling of Boris which the story was meant to do. That’s not all. The story ensures he remains very much in public consciousness because people still mention him in their living rooms, a real disaster.
And there’s more – the bike story links Boris to Biden. How could that have happened at a time like this? This is a politician we want to see separated from every major politician across the world. It’s even worse than the news report that the President to Egypt invited him to the last COP27. Uhh. Right now, I’m not certain I’ve achieved any success in this task given to me by our party to unravel the maverick called Boris. Things aren’t looking my way, I must admit.
Uh? Ted, you say, Why should the bike report be such an issue? So you don’t know. It’s actually migraine for us in the opposition. O, yes it is, because the report mentions something that matters to people at this time. Why won’t it matter in the face of the current inflation? Even you; if you can ride a bike rather than take a cab, won’t you? This time when people who have locked up their bikes somewhere bring them out is not right to come out with a report that denigrates Boris’ bike.
Don’t forget that we are talking about a politician who once launched a £2bn plan to boost cycling and walking rates, aimed at building on the significant increase in the number of people cycling during the pandemic. Now you see what I mean? I’m about to ask our Strategists to find out how many citizens now make use of their bikes in the UK more than before. You see, no one thought about that; not even our party leader until this report came out. And it would have been a good campaign point even though election is two years away. But Sir Stammer could use a possible rising figure of bike riders to hit the government hard during Question Time, but that is not happening because no one thought about it.
Now the number of people who may have resorted to riding bike in the face of rising inflation may have become a talking point in homes, and it does in favour of Boris who is an incurable bike rider. Uh? Ted, you say it still shouldn’t worry us this much. It should because the maverick may have hit a jackpot of gold. In fact he should have by now because if I were bike companies I would have signed him to advertise the usefulness of bikes for health and in view of the current economic challenge. That’s one possible unintended outcome of the unfortunate report, and Boris is again the potential beneficiary. Even you, check the figures. The latest report is that in England alone some 6.5 million people participate in cycling, either for sport, leisure or travel. Almost seven million people. How do you expect them to receive any news about Boris receiving a gift of designer bike? Of course they like it and hope they get the same gift. That’s how bad this is.
Uh? You say it still can’t be that bad. You can say that again. Didn’t you remember what I said during our previous sessions? I said anything that Boris touches turns to gold. No, I mean anything that touches Boris turns to gold. This news report about bike is a publicity disaster. Uh? You say, is it on the part of the newspaper that reported it? No! On our… Uh, never mind. The point is that you guys shouldn’t be publishing any reports about bike from now on. This one front-fired, no I mean it backfired. Bike is not a good issue to attack particularly when Boris happens to be the owner. Now, back to my main address–
