By
’Tunji Ajibade
Uh? What do I have to say about the story that Tory MPs have begun to consider life hereafter? You are talking about the leading Tory MPs who have since become backbenchers, I presume. Of course, that’s yuletide news, preparing for their hereafter is very yuletide, and I can tell you that. Uh? Hello, Kate. Are you still there? It’s the line; it has problem. Everything has problem these days in the UK, thanks to the Tories. Even the NHS has its– Uh? You said why did I say that? Which, the yuletide news or the problem across the UK created by the Tories? All of them? Uh, long story, Kate; it’s a very long story. It’s not a conversation we can have on phone.
Look, why don’t you wait till we meet during my monthly press debriefing? O, I see. Well since your editor says he wants the article for the morning edition of your newspaper, I can tell you this much. You see the Tories need to prepare for their hereafter; or what else are they are waiting for? They’ve imploded well enough; we don’t want them around to explode when we saunter into Number 10 in a ceremonial procession in less than twenty four months to this yuletide. Uh? You say is that how much we hate the Tories? Hate? Impossible. As MP and the mouthpiece of the Labour Party I can assure you that there’s nothing of such. We love them. Of course we do. Even you, can you hate a chicken meant for your pot of soup but which is in a death throe?
We can’t hate our rivals. Who does that? It’s not in our gene. It’s beneath us. It’s just that the Tories have set up their own slippery dance floor, so we wish them a dance that’s to their hearts’ delight. With as many falls as possible. And that’s exactly what they’re doing. Now, think of it, Kate. One of them, their Party Chief Whip left his job in parliament and went to crawl in holes as well as climb hills in some jungle down there among the Aussies. Imagine that. Does that show a party that wants to be around anymore? When your Whip is never in town to whip members into line? The Tories have since stripped the Whip of chieftaincy title and all the regalia of his high office, saying his behaviour is despicable. Too late. Our own numbers in the polls have further soared while they scamper around, finding how to recover. But their party members aren’t even aware of what enormous minus the entire debacle of a Whip appearing in I’m a Celebrity is for them. This is a man who earns public funds. They don’t know what damage this has done to their image among voters. They don’t because Tory party constituencies have been writing to have the de-robed Whip attend their annual party events. Think about that. At a time when voters are appalled by the move of MP appearing in I’m a Celebrity, at this time when the nation aches every salary earner like a bad tooth, Tory party members want to be seen with the MP at the centre of the scandal. Do they even realize it’s a scandal? That’s what has become of the Tories. So why shouldn’t the thoughtful ones among their MPs begin to consider their party’s hereafter? It’s the only direction they have to look as things stand.
By the way their situation has been complicated by the industrial action. O yes it has. Well, Kate, the only reason you can disagree with me is if you think the Tories have the right to not grant the workers all of their requests and as a result make good citizens suffer the effect of the health and rail strikes. Uh? You say would Labour have granted the striking workers all their demands? Em– Em– the best I can say for now is that em– Well, I must say such a question is not appropriate under the circumstances. It is not, because we are not the party in Number 10. The Tories are, and in any case your question leaves out the fact that we have always been a friend of labour. Yes, Labour is a friend of labour and I am sure the striking workers will agree with me. And that is why our numbers keep soaring in the polls taken among them. Haven’t you heard what the workers said of late? They said they will keep the strike on even in January because the Tories aren’t yielding to their demands. Is that a party that can ever enjoy the trust of workers in this nation? I’m afraid it doesn’t. So they should prepare to leave.
As I’ve inferred they’re a party that people want to barbecue but they rub oil on their own bodies, the Tories. O yes, they do. Why should you be surprised at my analogy, Kate? You shouldn’t. We all saw the occupant of Number 10, didn’t we, when he went for the usual photo opp in a food store for the homeless? Our members have made their views known on his performance. Excruciating, is how it has been described. And so it is. He doesn’t even feel what those who have fallen under because of Tory policies feel. He doesn’t. Imagine him asking a homeless man if he worked in business. Work in business? Of course he does; where else could he have worked if not in business where Tory’s disastrous economic policies have made many to go under? Many businesses collapsed and people aren’t able to meet the soaring cost of mortgages. It’s good the excruciating conversation has been seen by all. Voters now know how much the Tories are out of touch with reality. And they are preparing to throw them out at the first opportunity.
Still on my analogy, Kate. Did you notice that the occupant of Number 10 recently recruited a political liaison officer, a journalist like yourself? Good. Are you aware that he’s the husband of another journalist whose gaffe contributed to the series of events which led to how a former occupant of Number 10 was forced to resign? The wife was working for the government as spokesperson on climate change and she was caught on camera making a light comment about parties that happened in Downing Street at the height of the covid-19 pandemic. You recall the events that followed her gaffe, don’t you? The wife had to resign in the process. Now her husband has been brought in to finish off the Tories. That’s the way I see this recruitment, a journey on the same series of unforced errors that led to the end of one Tory government. Any recruitment that involves anyone connected to the major factor in that situation is an error in my view. So since the Torries are bent on following the same path, there’s every reason for their backbenchers to prepare for their party’s hereafter. I have a major worry though.
Uh? Kate. You say am I changing my mind on what I have said. O, not at all? Why should I? This is a party we want to throw out of Number 10 this very day, if only we could. We are happy though at the number of pits they continue to dig for themselves. My worry, and the worry of Labour MPs is that if Tory backbenchers go, that creates a big headache for us. O yes, it does. You know, some new kids on the bloc may be elected into parliament who may not hate the guts of Boris Johnson so much. The current MPs helped us to send him out of Number 10. We worry that if they go away the new set of Tory MPs may work for his return to Number 10, and that’s a big setback for all that we have achieved. We just don’t want this maverick of a politician to be the toast of his party MPs again. We don’t. He has to–
tunjioa@yahoo.com
