By
Tunji Ajibade
Uh? Kim, from The Arctic. You’re asking me if I admit that Boris Johnson is a brand. You see, I’ve always said you like Johnson and that you hate me. In fact, I suspect you like the Tories, and you hate us the Labour. O, yes. It’s there, very clear in your voice. I invite you to this week’s press debriefing and the first question you ask me is about Johnson. The question is not only unfair. It is highly irregular.
Okay, you too think about it. The job given to me, as MP and spokesperson, by our great party is to undo the Tories. But here you are, wanting me to publicly affirm that the Tories are still a strong force to reckon with. Uh? You say you don’t mention the Tories. So, which other party did you mention? You mean you don’t know by now that once you mention that maverick of a politician you have mentioned the Tories. He’s the only definition of the Conservative Party that we have at this time. O, yes, he is.
You want me to answer questions about their hottest band, no, I mean their hottest brand, called Johnson. I won’t even answer that kind of question, Kim. I refuse to, and so I shall proceed to present my– Uh? Betty, from The Lead. You say I’ve already admitted it that Johnson is a brand. Well, you may read what I say anyway you choose. You may even choose to say that I have said Johnson is in a strong position as some of his allies are claiming at the moment. If you ask me if I’m worried, though, with that kind of comment, I will say not only me but the entire Labour Party.
In any case, if you were in my shoes what would you have done? Meanwhile, I never said at any of these press debriefings that Johnson isn’t a threat to us in Labour. If anything, I’ve always been honest with you gentlemen of the press as to what I think of Johnson. In fact, he’s the main reason I don’t skip the press debriefing for this week. O, yes, he’s the reason. You people have been reporting the story, haven’t you? His spokesperson lets the word out and all of you media outlets go gaga regarding it. This is the challenge I have with you guys. As one of my Nigerian friends often say, we want to eat the fine grains of the bean cake ekuru so that we don’t have any grains left in the bowl, but you people still shake your fingers and return the grains to the bowl.
It’s frustrating, I call tell you that. Very frustrating that you always call attention to Johnson. Uh? Kim, you say you have to because he’s a former Prime Minister of this nation. Exactly what I’m talking about. It means you are undermining the Labour Party. See, you have been reporting it that Johnson plans to go to Kyiv and visit the president; you people help him spread the word when you should have concentrated on the man in Number 10. Yes, you should have. If you report what that one says or doesn’t say, it’s splendid by us. But Johnson, no, no.
Look, what Johnson plans to do is fire on the mountain. In fact, the man himself is fire on the mountain. Johnson has always set fire and everyone of us needs to run. Uh? Kim, you ask if I mean fire for the Tories or Labour. It’s the same thing we’re talking about. What scares the Tories scares us once Johnson is the politician involved. They know it, we know it. Or, why do you think the Tories, even the occupants of Number 10, are ever watchful of every step he takes. As we speak they’re grumbling that Johnson wants to go to Kyiv, stating that he wants to take the shine off their man in Number 10. That’s how dangerous this maverick of a politicians is. The Tories even allege that Johnson wants to use the visit to Kyiv to boost his speaking profile, and thus prepare himself further for a leadership challenge ahead of the general election. But Labour is worried too.
Uh? Betty, you ask how that should be our headache. Of course, it is. We don’t want Johnson anywhere near the Tory leadership. There, the heat he generates will be unbearable. Remember, he’s fire. Our party leader won’t forget in a hurry what he passed through when Johnson was in office. Besides, think about it. Johnson goes to Kyiv and he gets to be in the news for several days. Where do you think that leaves my party leader for as long as it lasts? In Johnson’s shadows, as usual. Recall that all the months Johnson was in power, our leader struggled to get more media coverage, but didn’t succeed. We should be as concerned as the Tories about Johnson. We should be.
Also, any visit to Kyiv means voters will talk about him, not my party leader or the man in Number 10. This matter is even a mad one because we know what is in the minds of those officials in Kyiv. Uh? Betty. Officials in Kyiv? What is in their minds? You must be the only reporter in this nation who doesn’t know. You were in this country the last time Johnson wanted to stage a coup and return to Number 10, weren’t you? Pete, from The Echo. You say was it a coup? Maybe to you, it is not. For a former PM to plan to return to office in matters of months, it’s worse than a coup. What do you think would have happened to us in the opposition? It would have been a tsunami.
All our calculations would have come undone. Didn’t you realize that? Anyway, it’s not your business to know all of that. It’s ours who have a long term plan to ensure Johnson doesn’t ever return to Number 10. Uh? Kim, you say is that possible? Huh, you don’t even know the maverick of a politician that we are talking about here. Johnson is a big brand, um– never mind me; I meant to say he’s a big factor in the life of this nation for a long time to come. Don’t forget that he scored the biggest victory for the Tories in 2019. He’s still trending, and very much so. I can tell you that. Now he’s plans to go to Kyiv at a time we’re giving one another hi-five that he’s gone quiet. The visit will further boost his brand, um– I mean his –em. O, never mind.
By the way, don’t forget that those officials in Kyiv are in love with Johnson. This is the extra headache we have, and our party leader has been restless about it. Don’t forget that shortly before Johnson pulled out of the Tory leadership contest the last time, the Ukrainian government’s official Twitter page posted a meme mimicking Netflix’ show “Better Call Saul”. They placed Johnson’s face there and used the words “Better Call Boris”, which they later deleted. It means Kyiv prefers him to any other politician here in the UK. That’s a big headache for my party leader and the man in Number 10.
In fact, it is more than headache. It is fire, Uh? You say the Tories or Labour. You should know that at this stage I’m more concerned about us. I’m talking about us, Labour. If the Tories like, let them sleep without watching their roof that is on fire. We are the ones who want to kick the Tories out of office. But Johnson is another puzzle altogether, a fishbone in the throat. And I mean if his brand, um– I mean if by his action he continues to outshine the man in Number 10.
Alright, I shall now proceed to–
tunjioa@yahoo.com
