By
’Tunji Ajibade
Thank you, thank you, gentlemen of the press. Our party leader shall not be taking questions personally because he has an urgent meeting and he has to leave now. So, I shall take all the questions you may have for him. Going forward I shall be– Uh? Nate, from The Cheerers. You say what does our party leader think of the latest visit to Ukraine as well as the impending memoir written by the former UK Prime Minister, Boris Johnson? Nate, do I need to remind you that this press briefing is about our party leader who has just addressed you, not about that maverick of a politician? This is how you press guys lure me to say things I shouldn’t say.
Uh? Betty, from The Lead. You say, things like what? Um– I just fervently hope this won’t turn into another session about Johnson. Look, why are you guys ever like this? My job as MP and spokesperson for the Labour Party is to un-rival the– em– I mean my job is to unravel the Tories. But here you are, tempting me tempestuously to focus on Johnson. Well, I suppose I have to answer all your questions, otherwise you guys will still speculate and report about what is in my mind, rather than what I really said. Em– where do I start? That’s the problem, once a matter is about Johnson, one is rather dis-complimented, em– I mean one is most likely to be em– em– Oh, never mind.
Now back to your question, Nate. I have to say what you guys have been writing about Johnson is true. He’s very much a presence in British politics as the English Channel is to the Welsh coasts. And you know what? His visit to Ukraine is top notch. O yes, it is, and as we speak, the Tories are busy calling beetroot irish potato for one another, unwilling to publicly admit that this maverick of a politician holds them by the jugular. Of course, he does, the same way that great man, Winston Churchill, did in his time. Don’t forget that Churchill had his own trials. He was the leader of the nation throughout the 2WW but he lost the general election in 1945. Well, he returned to power in 1951, that phenomenal character, even with all his faults.
Now, even if some of you criticize Johnson, I have to remind you it was how Churchill was criticised when he was out of power, yet he returned. And I will be convincing myself that 10+2+2+2 equals 10 if I say otherwise. The danger is, if some of your media outlets criticize him, seeking to have everyone hate him, a politician who knows what he’s doing can’t do that. He will only do it at his own risk; even the leader of our great party knows it.
Ok, Nate, you tell me, why do you write in your column that Johnson is still pursuing issues central to his legacy – Ukraine, Brexit, and levelling up? Uh? You say it’s because that’s exactly what he’s doing. You see now; you talk facts, but as a politician I talk beyond facts. Note that it’s not as if I want to talk about him. But, that Johnson? Um? That Johnson, he’s more brilliant than the tortoise who’s forever featured in most African night stories that one of my Nigerians friends has told me. Betty, you’re smiling; you think this is funny. It’s not, because we’re talking political survival here. Johnson knows exactly what he’s doing. Okay, think of it; even the man in Number 10 is worried about Johnson, so who’s the leader of my party not to worry?
Everyone is saying December 2024 is far away. It’s not; Johnson knows it and that’s why he’s pursuing issues central to his legacy. Which smart politician won’t? I’m telling you about a Johnson who was known to have been planning to be PM since he was a student at Oxford. He even wrote a book that he clandestinely used to show how he wanted to be the next Churchill of British politics. But no one realized his trick at the time, until he eventually emerged as PM. And that’s the kind of politician you ask what our party thinks about him. Our party leader is concerned about him, and I am too; I can tell you that for free.
This is a politician who publicly compared himself to Cincinnatus. All of you heard him say so while he was delivering his resignation speech. Betty? You say Johnson didn’t mean it how I’m interpreting his speech. You see, I always say you journalists read things on their face value. It’s we politicians who read the under value. Note, I didn’t say undervalue. Well, you can undervalue Johnson at your own risk. Even Tories who make themselves his opponents are alarmed at his ever looming image.
They’re alarmed because he has begun to go about his legacy issues. It’s now that he does they remember he once compared himself to Cincinnatus, the ancient Roman statesman who said he would go away from power and yet come back. It was what Johnson was saying that time which not many paid attention. If you guys don’t remember, I do. I can even quote his verbatim: “Like Cincinnatus, I’m returning to my plough and I will be offering this government nothing but the most fervent support”, Johnson had said. Indeed, the Roman statesman later returned to serve a second term. All of you, do you want to tell me Johnson is the kind of politicians who would go away from British politics without a fight?
Well, I’ve wished this won’t turn into another session on Johnson. But what can one do when that maverick of a politician is ever taking the shine, remaining ever a looming figure even though he’s out of Number 10. And then you guys want to know what our party leader thinks of him; so I’ve told you. See, I can even top it for you with one more bomb; if you don’t know, Johnson’s party is negotiating with him to not take the shine off the man in Number 10. Why? Johnson has the capacity to cause an upset; as things stand, everyone claiming the man in Number 10 is weak, Johnson can do things that might lead to another leadership contest. The latest visit to Kyiv is one of such. The Tories don’t want another contest because they say they would look rather unserious. That’s how much of a threat Johnson is even within his party.
The bomb is that in order to get him to behave and not embarrass their man in Number 10, the Tories are making him some political offers, juicy one that is a source of headache to the leader of our great party. Nate. You say why should that be the concern of Labour. You see, you don’t know the undercurrents. Johnson doesn’t hide the fact that he wants to return, but we don’t want him to come near Number 10. You already know the latest bomb Johnson holds in his hand. His memoir. Imagine, that maverick of a politician is coming out with his memoir. Now, where does that place our party and our leader? At a clear dismantling, of course; uh, what am I saying? I mean it places our party leader at a clear disadvantage. Yes, that’s what Johnson has done with this bomb he wants to release. Nate, you shake your head. Okay, what is this memoir if it’s not a bomb? You tell me. See, any politician who’s unfortunate enough to get a slice of Johnson’s political upper cut is done for. And that’s what he’s giving all of us with this pursuit of his legacy issues.
Did you see him walk on the street of Kyiv majestically like Churchill towards Ukraine’s leader in the course of his latest visit? O, yes, he did; and I hold no grudges. You see, as a politician myself I know that’s the kind of walk that wins the heart of voters, making a statesman look really like a statesman. So tell me, what is that if not a bomb? And now, combine that with the memoir. Oh, this is a cyclone, a political tsunami, and atomic bomb put together.
See, I’m getting fed up opposing Johnson. It’s a herculean task, a Mount Kilimanjaro for me to carry. And who can? He’s the political phenomenon of our generation, no doubt about it, and don’t tell me to say that again, because I’ve already said it. Say, Tory, and the onlyname that comes to voters’ minds is Johnson. He’s the Tory’s now, and even my party leader knows he’s their tomorrow. The only challenge is that I can’t confirm to you if my party leader tells himself in his privacy that Johnson, that Churchill and Cincinnatus combined, is too much a political act to chase.
I’ve said I won’t let this be about Johnson, so I will now–
tunjioa@yahoo.com
