By
’Tunji Ajibade
You must be the only journalist in the whole of the United States who doesn’t know my full name. Jair Messias. If you knew, you wouldn’t make such a baseless allegation. How could you say I put Brazil in a mess? My beloved country? Jair is a messiah, you know. I have a mission to save Brazil, like the revered British Prime Minister Winston Churchill saved Britain in 1945. I should be revered for all I did in the course of my tenure. All the mainstream journalists in the US know it, and that’s why none of them will ask me inconvenient leftist questions. You can’t be from a mainstream media house. I know because my publicist said he did a fantastic job long before I arrived Florida, and ahead of this media parley.
But here you are, the only US journalist playing to the gallery of those leftists in Brazil who make claims that are the fiction of their imagination. I love Brazil because I had learned from Churchill who once said that patriotism, love for your fatherland, respect for the flag is the in thing. That’s something that has been lost over the last few decades in Brazil, if you must know. But I came to restore it, governing by example. No, no, no; don’t raise your hand, and you can’t ask another question because I know you will disagree with everything I say. So I ban you from asking further questions. I know how to handle journalists like you, the same manner President Trump of the US handled your type ever so effectively when he was in the White House.
By the way, this media parley to officially announce my return to my homeland in a couple of weeks is not meant for questions, essentially. But I chose to be magnanimous; I’m only doing you journalists a favour by condescending to permit any questions so that you can have something to write about as well as quote. I hereby announce to the whole world that I shall be returning home. Home is home, and I don’t plan to remain here in the US for far too long. There’s so much work to do for my people who hate those leftists like monkey hates banana. Uhn? No, I mean, my people hate like lion hates wetting itself in a river. Yes? Smart Pickering, from The Urbane. You have my fully decreed permission to ask as many questions as you wish. Only this leftist journalist here and the media house he represents are banned.
Meanwhile, Smart, my publicist has told me many fine things about your media house. Yours is similar to many that I promote in Brazil. Was your station not among those that said the last election in the US was rigged? Right, yours is the kind that I want in my media parleys. Your publication is reputable because you support sensible governments like Trump’s, and the one I led in the last four years. Alright, your question. What? You too, Smart; you’re asking me such a question? You mean you believe the lies that the leftists in Brazil peddled throughout the last election campaign. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. How could you ask me what work I want to go back and do in Brazil now that I’ve lost the last election?
First, let me teach you what you don’t know. I didn’t lose any election. Jair the messiah can never lose an election among my fervent supporters. Didn’t you see I left Brazil two days before those leftists were to arrive the State House? I left because I didn’t accept the outcome of the election conducted by a leftist electoral body. That’s what they are, all of them – leftists. I don’t have time for nonsense, and I wouldn’t want to see them take over the land meant for– no, I mean, the State House meant for me. You saw that my supporters too didn’t accept the outcome, didn’t you? They didn’t, and they showed their displeasure by storming the capital just a few days–
What, Smart? You ask if I instigated the violence that happened in the course of the protest? Well, if you must know, I’ve already condemned the attack that took place. I have nothing else to add. And if you’re thinking about the charges the leftists say they want to bring against me because of the attack, all I can say is that we shall see. For now, I– No; no further questions from you, Smart. None. I can see that you want to sabotage me, like those leftists in Brazil and I won’t permit it. Look, I know the American media well like the back of my hand. I’ve known you for decades. I know your tactics; you like to put words in the mouth of a politician, ensnare a politician, and with your barrage of questions even lure him into a cup-de-socks.
Hmn? You say cul-de-sac. Thank you for the correction. Your name, please. Yunus. Good. You must have the same political orientation as I do. And for that reason I will permit you to ask the next question. You are a good guy. You and those two other journalists from Brazil who sit to my right side are the only ones I permit to ask me further questions in the course of this parley. As for you, Smart, I won’t let you get away with this one. You can’t come here and ask me leftist questions. I won’t permit it. I am Jair, the messiah of all the people of Brazil; Brazil, not the United States. So you can’t question me as though I am your president?
In any case, I’m here to announce that I shall be returning to my homeland soon. Home is home. It’s good to be home and that’s what I want to announce, not to be asked political questions. Yes? Liam, of The Bust, from Brazil. You say how do I feel today? That’s a really good question. Very good question. Fact is that I’m feeling somewhat nostalgic, and I tell myself that it will be good to return home after so many weeks that I’ve spent here in this fabulous and sunny state of Florida. Actually, Florida reminds me of the tropical climate that we have in Brazil, and that’s why I love it here. But I have unfinished business at home. So, I will– Yes? Yunus.
You say, why did I permit the Amazon forest to be so devastated against the backdrop of climate change? Wait, which publication do you say you work for? The Greenery. Haa. Why were you permitted to attend this media parley? That was a mistake. You shouldn’t have been permitted. I don’t want climate change people and their media advocates around me. They are ever against what I know is in Brazil’s best interest. We need economic development in Brazil, and how do I get it done if I don’t deploy the natural resources that we have? I overrule your question, Yunus. It’s a leftist question. In fact, I rule you out of order. You know I used to be a parliamentarian before I became president. You are out of order.
Next question, please. Or observation about how good and people-oriented my administration was in the past four years. Yes. Go ahead, please, Ayobami; you are a Nigerian. The name sounds Nigerian. You ask why I didn’t show sportsmanship and hand over to my successor before I left Brazil after the last election? Wait, what do you say the name of your media house is? It doesn’t even matter, because I can see all of you are bent to embarrass my government. What? You say I’m out of government following the last election. You are dead wrong. Really, it’s the reason I’m returning to Brazil. I want to claim back my seat in the State House. I shall organize the opposition and kick the leftists out. So, how could I hand over to some leftists who–
Anyway, there’re some written questions here before me and I shall try as much as possible to respond to them. One journalist wants to know why I appointed many former military officers into key positions in my cabinet. This one must have been sent by bad losers, people who were jealous they didn’t make my list. So what’s wrong with former military officers being in my cabinet? I was once a military office myself. You see, the same journalist even wrote, saying the officers were a reason I held fascist views. This journalist is no good. He calls my devotion to my native Brazil fascist. Like my political opponents and the leftist press, he too is exaggerating my love for my country like they did the threat of covid virus which was entirely a fantasy created by the media. I don’t have time for this kind of journalist who enjoys peddling fiction as fact the same way I enjoy cream in my tea.
There is this other question here that asks me to explain my view on an infamous award that some detractors gave me. What kind of question is this? What has the effort to slander me that the Organized Crime and Corruption Reporting Project engaged in got to do with me? It’s pure slander, nothing more than that and I shall soon sue those OCCRP people at the International Court of Justice in the Hague. O yes, I will. It’s the right place to take OCCRP because intel once informed me that they fancy themselves as an international non-governmental organization that investigates crime and corruption. Imagine, they purported to have given me their Person of the Year Award, which they claim “recognizes the individual who has done the most in the world to advance organized criminal activity and corruption”.
The OCCRP further alleged that I surrounded myself with corrupt figures, that I used propaganda to promote my populist agenda, undermining the justice system, and waging a destructive war against the Amazon region that has enriched some of the country’s worst land owners. But their claim is nothing but slander and I shall soon sue them for an amount that should be sumptuous enough for me to live on whenever I choose to retire from politics.
You see, these people are mischievous, are they not? Just imagine them accusing me of waging war against the Amazon forest. It is the leftists who don’t want good for the development of Brazil that sponsor them, and I will pursue the case so vigorously at the ICJ such that all their leftist sponsors would be unmasked like it’s done to infamous masquerades. The OCCRP masquerade must be unmasked, even though one of my Nigerian friends has said it’s a taboo in his country to unmask a masquerade in public. But this is different, and I must see to the end of the matter so as to serve as détente to any other entity that dreams of slandering a patriot like myself.
And there’s yet another question here that asks why my campaign was the most divisive in the history of Brazilian politics. Divisive? Who puts that in the head of this journalist? I shouldn’t even be responding to him and the leftists who sent him. Obviously, they’ve infiltrated the American media as well, the leftists, and I shall be writing a protest letter to the US Congress over this. I shall also–
