By
’Tunji Ajibade
Any further mention of Ashis Nandy and I will have you thrown out of this press briefing. This is no place to make reference to such a dissident journalist who claimed he found in me “a classic, clinical case of a fascist“. Come to think of it, I, Nerandra Modi, graciously granted Nandy the interview that made him famous back in the 1990s and all he could repay me with was a disrespectful comment. I’m a different man though; Nerandra is different from what anyone might have alluded to in their hallucinations, especially those ever-critical journalists from the western media houses. Meanwhile, my purpose here is to welcome all our guests to the upcoming meetings of G20 nations, not to answer questions about some disrespectful journalist.
You may ask your question now; yes, the journalist from The Heck. Is that it? Yes, The Heck. How do you mean, asking me if this G20 meeting will turn out like the G7 before it? And how do you mean I should assess our ability to broker an agreement on vital issues. You see, that’s another unfriendly comment about the state of India, and I won’t ever recommend you for the award of Friend of India, not on your life. Even Key To The City of New Delhi, I can’t give it to a person like you. Journalists like you and that other one from The Buddie think you can come to Delhi and pursue anti-India propaganda. I won’t permit it at this press briefing, and I– What? You say it was a simple question you asked. What kind of question is that?
In India, journalists respect themselves. They don’t ask me questions, rather they come to me to learn. Those who prove rebellious are taught lessons they can never forget, and the wise ones among them quietly fall into line. I’m Nerandra; I brook no nonsense. Journalists here know I should tell them what they should hear. That’s journalism that I know. So how could you ask me if the G20 meeting of foreign ministers would not have an agreement as it happened at the G7 meeting two weeks ago. It’s the most fiery attack on the people of India I’ve heard in a long time, and here I brook no nonsense where the people of India are concerned, not even from religious dissidents.
What? Don’t. You cannot ask another question. I ask you the questions. Look, did you come to this press briefing to belittle–? What? You say your next question is about Muslims in India. No, no. What? You say this is a question about China and its help to Russia which has invaded Ukraine? No way. Don’t even go there. China is a good friend of ours at this time, and they are welcome at this G20 meeting. As for China’s help for Russia against Ukraine, sovereignty. India respects the sovereignty of every nation to take its decision; this is uppermost in India’s mind, Sovereignty. Sovereignty.
Let me tell you, I don’t entertain questions from anti-India journalists. I don’t because I know your type. You have called India unwholesome names. What? You say it’s me you ask questions, not the people of India. Even so, any reference to me is reference to the good people of India. Your newspaper wrote in the past that I wear colourful clothes. I make colourful speeches. I’m a rightist. I am a nationalist, of the most virulent type. That’s rude of you people, you know. Very rude. How could you make such comments about the leader of the largest democracy in the world? There’s nothing you journalists from the western world never said. But it’s all Indians you say them to.
What? You ask if all Muslims and non-Hindus in India are Indians. Let me tell you what you don’t know. The people of India have hundreds of years of history behind them. Rich history that I can tell you about from today into the next century. That’s the kind of question I expect from you journalists from the western world – questions about the rich history of India, including how the Taj Mahal was constructed; that most beloved edifice of all visitors to India. Western audience loves such stories, you know. But here you are, asking me questions meant for pupils in Elementary One. Don’t do that again.
If I may inform you, another kind of story that will sell your paper to western audience was my scintillating performance as the Premier of the State of Gujarat. Hmm. Such a wonderful period in my political career. So wonderful. When I was in Gujarat, I performed wonders such that– What? You say the outcome of the G20 meeting is what you want to hear. Of course, that’s what I am telling you. How can you know how successful the G20 meeting will be, if you don’t know how my performance for the good people of India catapulted me into being respected by world leaders such that they massively voted for me to host the G20 meeting?
What? You say, who exactly voted for me? You mean you don’t know that the best presidents and prime ministers in the world agreed that– Look, do I need to mention President Biden of the US as one of the leaders who have so much respect for me? When such respected world leaders say I am the best man to host G7 and G20 meetings, who are you to think you can come here and tarnish my well-garnished and glistering political reputation by asking me questions fit for Elementrary One puipls?
And don’t you rush me while I am explaining. Here in the eastern parts of the world, young people like you don’t rush an elder. You listen and let me lecture you, and if you like you can say I talk too slowly. In India, when I talk Indians calm down and listen for as long as it takes for me to say what I want. So don’t think you can come here and change tradition. Here when elders like me talk, young journalists listen.
Yes? That journalist with his hand up; aren’t you from The Indian Patriot newspaper? Right, go ahead. You say I should state what actually transpired when I was a missionary at the height of the Ram Janmabhoomi campaign in the early 1990s. That’s intelligent of you, very intelligent. You see such a question is better than when some journalists assert what they don’t know. Nonetheless, I shall not wish you to waste time on such issues of such past era. Bygone is bygone; really, it is. Fact is that– What? You say you want me to talk about the sectarian riots in 2002 after I became the chief minister of Gujarat. Well, I can tell you that’s neither here nor there. Any talk of me being a Hindu hardliner is neither here nor there, really. And any claim of the complicity of my government in the pogrom against Muslim minorities at the time is em– I mean it’s just that, as good as fiction written by Salman Rushdie.
But you shouldn’t forget that I did so many good things in the same state after the 2002 Gujarat riot. O yes, I did. I made the state a friendly place to set up business. I did, and so much so that all of them – em – CNN, BBC, and some other brands began to refer to me as a development oriented leader – Vikaspurush, the Development man.I’m indeed the development man, and you can call me that. Yes, I permit you to call me that; all you journalists present here can call me that. In fact, you can quote me in your publications. Do, I permit you.
By the way, don’t listen to those critics in the UK. They watched a documentary aired by the BBC, and on the basis of it they accused me of what was not true. One newspaper even said that the documentary is a sobering look at Narendra Modi’s treatment of India’s Muslims. Imagine. That’s treasonable talk, and if it were in India they would have known what would have happened to them. I brook no nonsense. Who appointed them to make such inflammatory judgement? In any case, bygone is bygone and I’ve shown the BBC that I’m Nerandra Modi. I brook no nonsense. I’m in charge here and this is India.
Look, you this journalist from The Heck; you better borrow a leaf from Bob Blackman of the UK Conservative Party. He’s a good man, a good friend of India; one reason I awarded him India’s highest honour in 2020. He’s even called that disrespectful BBC documentary a hatchet job. Even my good friend, Rami Ranger, who’s a member of the House of Lords asked the BBC boss to explain if his Pakistani-origin staff were behind the nonsense. Those are the people you should emulate, do you hear me? Never be a dissident journalist.
Now, to the other matter of–
tunjiaoa@gmail.com
