Mr Erdogan is singing, sshhh

By

’Tunji Ajibade

1^st Person: This documentary must be grand.

2^nd Person: Nothing is anything if it’s not grand where you’re concerned.

1^st Person: Exactly! (thoughtful) What do you mean by that?

2^nd Person: (shrugs) The same thing you mean; haven’t we been friends since childhood?

1^st Person: (laughs) Right, it’s got to be grand, go viral. Fetch me 10 million viewers in five minutes, one billion viewers in one hour. You see, I’m talking about– (stops and points at the TV on a table in front of him, along with some other electronic devices) Look at those people on the streets of Ankara.

Turkiye’s President Recep Erdogan at a political campaign rally

2^nd Person: Must be tourists; what about them?

1^st Person: You mean you don’t see?

2^nd Person: I’m not blind; Palestinians, Jordanians, some Syrians, maybe.

1^st Person: I know. You don’t see the flags they carry, do you?

2^nd Person: Our flag, anything wrong with that?

1^st Person: So you don’t know; they’re praising Erdogan as the best leader in this part of the world, telling the TV reporter he’s their father. They’re heading towards the venue for Mr Erdogan’s victory rally too, I guess.

2^nd Person: (shrugs) You too will praise him if you see him as a father.

1^st Person: Father? Who says–?

2^nd Person: You didn’t hear the previous Turkish woman who spoke with the TV reporter, did you? She voted for the first time for Erdogan when she was 18 years, and years down the line she still sees him as a–

1^st Person: It’s the money Mr Erdogan shares to them.

2^nd Person: How come he shared money at every election campaign rally? Will he share money at this victory rally as well?

1^st Person: He does whatever he likes in this nation and you have to have two heads to question him and his government. Many who did are in jail.

2^nd Person: And Turks still voted for him? Over twenty years in power, and now five more years. I learnt he’s been muttering to his aides since the result was announced that he won’t stop.

1^st Person: (shrugs) Whatever. I’ve got to shoot this video perfectly right.

2^nd Person: Don’t remind me for the upt–

1^st Person: I don’t. Just help me look out for the best clip on TV to use. Look at this one here, the dancing duo.

2^nd Person: What about them?

1^st Person: You mean you don’t already sense the mischief we can make of that to spite–

2^nd Person: Forget it, it won’t fly with your audience on Youtube.

1^st Person: Erdogan mischievously linked the nation’s Public Enemy No. 1, Kurdistan’s militant PKK, to my party leader and his audience bought it. His manipulated video worked against us in the election even though it was fake.

2^nd Person: Two different audiences – those were voters, your own audience is western and out there, not in Turkiye. I–

1^st Person: So, what about it?

2^nd Person: (makes to stand up) If you aren’t going to listen to me, then I have to go.

1^st Person: (draws him by his leather jacket) Don’t. I’m listening.

2^nd Person: You asked me to advise you about what is acceptable to the western audience for your documentary, now you don’t–

1^st Person: It’s okay. What do you think?

2^nd Person: The dancing duo won’t catch. You need something funnier to retain attention of the western audience who’ll watch your video on Youtube. You get this first video right and you keep them tuning in, eager to see the next episode. You get the first one wrong and your dream of making a career out of this is all up in smoke.

1^st Person: Right, the reason I call you. You didn’t tell me why Erdogan’s edited video worked with his–

2^nd Person: It did for the same reason they gathered at every political rally to listen to him. Don’t you see the huge crowd that has gathered here in Ankara to listen to him deliver his victory speech?

1^st Person: Majority of them Turks.

2^nd Person: Exactly. His style excites his crowd and they would believe whatever he told them about the opposition party. He didn’t have to be truthful, all he needed to do was say it and it would be accepted as the truth. But you can’t feed just anything to the western audience you have in mind. They aren’t Turkish and they aren’t voters who see Erdogan as a father. The western audience you target is online, searching for fun, for what entertains.

1^st Person: I still don’t get you.

2^nd Person: What kind of documentary do you want to make?

1^st Person: Any documentary.

2^nd Person: Then you don’t know what you’re doing.

1^st Person: I do. I want to make documentaries about Erdogan’s and his antics.

2^nd Person: Political documentary.

1^st Person: Politics? No! I dare not go there, Erdogan’s goons will roast me like a Turkey on Thanksgiving Day.

2^nd Person: Documentaries that will make the western world see Erdogan’s antics are what you want to do.

1^st Person: (nods) And help ensure he loses the next election.

2^nd Person: Next election?

1^st Person: Next election.

2^nd Person: And you say the documentary is meant for the western audience?

1^st Person: Em– Ehn–

2^nd Person: Politics is your focus then. You’re a member of the opposition coalition and Erdogan is a political figure.

1^st Person: (looks unsure at first)Um– True.

2^nd Person: Western audience won’t be the voters in 2028, remember?

1^st Person: Um– True.

2^nd Person: Good. Now, you can make a political documentary that’s fun.

1^st Person: Fun? How can it be fun? Look, politics is a serious business. Didn’t you see how Erdogan imprisoned those who disagreed with him and forced others into self-exile? Haven’t  you listened to some of the bitter exchanges among politicians, the mudslinging, name-calling, the–?

2^nd Person: It’s lemon, turn it into a marmalade.

1^st Person looks unsure.

2^nd Person: You can turn bitter political exchanges around into fun for your audience.

1^st Person: Fun? Politics?

2^nd Person: Yes, make it fun. Your documentary can be a satire.

1^st Person: Satire?

2^nd Person: Political satire.

1^st Person: I should satirize Erdogan?

2^nd Person: And your own party as well.

1^st Person: My party?

2^nd Person: And your party’s presidential candidate in the last election. You knew them well, you were a volunteer.

1^st Person: No, no. I don’t want to get members of my party angry with me.

2^nd Person: You won’t. You make light of serious issues, every serious issue involving those political actors, including your party candidates; it makes your work more believable.

1^st Person: Ehn-hen.

2^nd Person: They’ll like it, even your party members. Everyone likes a lighter side of things. Let them laugh at themselves.

1^st Person: You think they will?

2^nd Person: (points at the TV) Look, Erdogan has arrived the venue for the victory rally.

1^st Person: Still very far away from the podium. Now that you mention satire; he read a poem when he travelled to Azerbaijan.

2^nd Person: Erdogan?

1^st Person: The poem was about the conflict over the border between Azerbaijan and Iran. It has since led to a diplomatic spat between him and Tehran.

2^nd Person: Check for the footage of him reading the poem.

1^st Person: How will that be useful in this documentary?

2^nd Person: Don’t worry. I’ll show you how to manipulate the video, make him say things in the manner he didn’t mean to say them.

1^st Person: An eye for an eye; like he did to my party’s presidential candidate over the PKK?

2^nd Person: He’ll come out worse.

1^st Person: As in worse?

2^nd Person: As in fun. He’ll come out looking like your typical buffoon, hilarious, I promise you. It’s fun for the audience. You sell.

1^st Person: I do?

2^nd Person: And he may like it?

1^st Person: Who?

2^nd Person: Erdogan?

1^st Person: Impossible! He’s too serious-minded.

2^nd Person: Everybody has what amuses them. We’ll try. Who knows he may even praise your political satire.

1^st Person: I’ll be bombed!  Erdogan, liking what makes him looks hilarious? Certainly, you’re telling me Planet Mars is one meter away from Ankara.

2^nd Person: Wait and see. He’ll laugh at himself. (He stands up, pushes his stomach out, positions himself with an imaginative book in his hand and reads, mimicking) They separated the Aras River and filled it with rocks and rods. I will not be separated from you. They have separated us forcibly.

1^st Person: (laughs) You know the poem?

2^nd Person: (nods)I followed the diplomatic row over border area and the ethnic group separated into Iran and Azerbaijan. I looked for the poem months back; part of the research for one of my stand-up acts, you know.

1^st Person: (frowns, unsure) The man will tell his goons to come after me. He’s picked up everyone who doesn’t venerate him ever since the coup happened, and he changed the law to get everyone arrested for as much as ‘insult public figures.’

2^nd Person: You wanted to say, since he changed the law to become president and awarded himself more powers.

1^st Person: How did you know that?

2^nd Person: I may reside in the UK, but I follow events here, I’m Turkish, remember?

1^st Person: Maybe we should partner in this political satire documentary.

2^nd Person: Nope, I’m a stand-up comedian. I’ll help make your documentary fun.

1^st Person: What if the documentary doesn’t reflect reality, I–

2^nd Person: Erdogan wasn’t bothered, never worried that the PKK video he showed his audience  before the last election was deepfake. 

1^st Person: And when asked later about it he said his claim that my party leader–  

2^nd Person: –was supported by militant PKK remained the same. He doesn’t care about reality. You shouldn’t.

1^st Person: I shouldn’t?

2^nd Person: Nope. I don’t when I do my stand-up acts in which I lampoon everyone I wish to, as you know. Create your own reality, make pun of the activities of all political players. You have the license to do so.

1^st Person stares blankly.

2^nd Person: You have the license.

1^st Person: (with mock horror) Erdogan will seize it.

1^st Person & 2^nd Person laugh.

2^nd Person: Intimidation. It’s part of the power game. Or, how do you think he managed to stay afloat for more than twenty years.  

1^st Person: I want to stay afloat. I’m here, you’ll return to the UK.

2^nd Person: Make up your mind. It’s either you want to achieve your dream of being a renowned  make of political documentaries or you don’t.

1^st Person: (a worried look on his face) The Turkiye you left ten years ago isn’t the same.

2^nd Person: (points at the TV) Look, he’s on top of a bus now, still making his way to the podium.

1^st Person: The crowd is so much.

2^nd Person: Until he starts talking I’ll mimic his Media Man, Fahrettin Altun, into your documentary video.

1^st Person: You will, and you think it will work?

2^nd Person: Start to record, and ask me questions?

1^st Person: (sets his recording device and clears his throat) Mr Altun, what have you to say about the allegation that the latest election was free but not fair?

2^nd Person: I would say those who say such are ignorant of the facts on ground. I can tell you for free that His Excellency the president has performed outstandingly well, and the people of Turkiye rewarded him for this. You shouldn’t forget too that the world at large has applauded the statesmanship of His Excellency. All you need to do is listen to US and UK leaders, as well as the leaders of Ukraine and Russia.

1^st Person: Talking about Russia, its leader has been condemned for invading Ukraine; would you call Mr Erdogan a friend of invaders and dictators?

2^nd Person: That’s a question you have no right to ask, and if you were to be here in Ankara, rather than where you are based in the UK talking to me via Skype, I would have invoked Decree–  Decree– em– what’s the number of that military decree again? I would have had you taken in for insulting public figures as has been done to one national saboteur who claims to be the mayor of Istanbul. And in case you–

1^st Person: The mayor you refer to was duly elected by Turks. But, Mr Altun, would you want to consider that–

2^nd Person: You wait, I’m still talking. See, here in Turkiye, journalist don’t talk when a high personality like myself who has office in the presidential palace is talking. Did you hear that – Presidential palace?  Look here, it’s against the decree, em– I mean law of the land for you to transgress as you did; but I pardon you this time because you are not in Ankara as we speak.

1^st Person: Mr Altun, how would you react to the popular fear expressed that Mr Erdogan has become increasingly authoritarian over the years, and with the latest victory he will become even more so?

2^nd Person: I won’t even respond to that kind of question.

1^st Person: Very well, Mr Altun. Critics have alleged that–

2^nd Person: There’re not critics in Turkiye. Here, everyone loves His Excellency and they appreciate the good work he’s been doing for this nation.

1^st Person: By saying there are no critics, are you indirectly admitting that your boss has muzzled all voices that have an opinion to express about hyperinflation as well as his authoritarian tendencies?

2^nd Person is silent.

1^st Person: Mr Altun, you can go ahead and answer the question.

2^nd Person is silent.

1^st Person: Mr Altun, can you hear me? If you can hear–

2^nd Person: You can ask your next question if you’re still interested in this interview.

1^st Person: Of course, I am, Mr Altun. It’s been said that the targeted killing of al-Qurashi of the Islamic State as announced three days after your superior fell sick on national TV,  and on the same day he returned to the campaign trail, created an opportunity for him to divert attention away from the domestic woes that–

2^nd Person: What woes are you talking about? Next question.

1^st Person: Your superior was seen on TV sharing money to Turks at his campaign rallies. Surely, this is a form of corruption. What have you to say to this?

2^nd Person: (sniggers) A father gives his children gifts, and you say it’s corruption. How? This is the challenge I have with you journalists from the West. Let me tell you, giving gifts is perfectly normal in our part of the world. Go and ask Turks, and they will tell you what obtains in our culture that you don’t know. Next question.

1^st Person: Not too long ago, Mr Altun, the leadership in Iran accused your superior of reading a poem that –

2^nd Person: (suddenly turns towards the TV) Mr Erdogan is singing for his audience, sshhh.

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