By ’Tunji Ajibade
CHAIRMAN: A weekend of disaster.
MEMBER: I didn’t see it coming.
CHAIRMAN: (an aside) Do you ever see anything coming? (to MEMBER, wryly) You didn’t see the by-election outcome coming?
MEMBER: O, I thought you meant Reeves’ Labour Party political attack ad.
Labour Party Office
CHAIRMAN: What about it?
MEMBER: How could she allow that slip?
CHAIRMAN: (shrugs) It’s politics.
MEMBER: The man in the ad complains that the rising cost of living is too much for him, that his electricity bill was once £100 but it has jumped to £250. But he’s later found to be a Labour Party Councilor, not a neutral local resident.
CHAIRMAN: It’s an insignificant slip. This is politics.
MEMBER: People remember.
CHAIRMAN: (impatiently) Look, I’m concerned more about the outcome.
MEMBER: Outcome?
CHAIRMAN: Of the by-elections. Any idea of what to suggest?
MEMBER: Suggestions regarding what?
CHAIRMAN: (an aside) I said so. He knows nothing, just like the rest of the members of this Committee. (to MEMBER) Suggestions regarding either of the two situations.
MEMBER: Two? We lost Boris’s seat to the Tories. It’s what has happened, isn’t it?
CHAIRMAN: Was that all you saw?
MEMBER: Should I have seen more?
CHAIRMAN: Of course, the second situation was that Boris swept us off course.
MEMBER: He did?
CHAIRMAN: He pulled opinion of voters against us over Sadiq’s ULEZ scheme; his was a significant contribution to how we lost Uxbridge and Ruislip.
MEMBER: The scheme was beyond our control, and Sadiq certainly didn’t know Boris would resign when he did.
CHAIRMAN: The damage is serious; my reading is that bigger threats await our party.
MEMBER: (an aside) Even your shadow is a threat to you.
CHAIRMAN: Did you see the front page of The Times?
MEMBER: I did. The man in Number 10 is rejoicing and boasting at the same time after the by-election.
CHAIRMAN: What he does is less of concern to me. He’s never my headache. He cannot be. How Boris puts our party leader in a corner is what I am concerned about.
MEMBER: Boris did? How?
CHAIRMAN: I suppose you didn’t see The Times the day after Number 10 was there.
MEMBER: Should I?
CHAIRMAN: Of course, as a member of the Labour Party Strategic Planning Committee you should. Or why are you here?
MEMBER: Don’t be so sore. We just had huge election victories.
CHAIRMAN: Where?
MEMBER: In two out of the three by-elections.
CHAIRMAN: (an aside) You see, average mentality. (to MEMBER) And you called that victory? The real victory is lost in Boris’ constituency, and that’s why I called this emergency meeting in order to strategise on the way forward.
MEMBER: Go ahead; I want to savour this victory as our party leader is doing.
CHAIRMAN: Party leader who is busy talking to Sadiq, trying to rescue his dammed ULEZ scheme? You haven’t been in this UK.
MEMBER: Okay.
CHAIRMAN: You must have been sleeping in the last few days.
MEMBER: Okay.
CHAIRMAN: You must have locked yourself up before and after the election was lost.
MEMBER: Okay. But, did you say the election was lost?
CHAIRMAN: You won?
MEMBER: We did. With the victories, the man in Number 10 knows he’s in trouble.
CHAIRMAN: The man who says Uxbridge and Ruislip is a sign that the game is not up yet?
MEMBER: Exactly.
CHAIRMAN: (contemptuously) I wonder why you a member of this Committee where those who use their heads should be.
MEMBER: Right.
CHAIRMAN: People who think of all angles to a matter should be here.
MEMBER: Right.
CHAIRMAN: Minds that can grapple with complex matter should be the ones to be with me in this Committee.
MEMBER: Right.
CHAIRMAN: This has not gone according to plan and I should do something.
MEMBER: Right.
CHAIRMAN: Can you say something meaningful, please?
MEMBER: Like suggest what to do about Boris?
CHAIRMAN: No, like suggest what to do to Number 10.
MEMBER: Good idea.
CHAIRMAN: What is good about the idea?
MEMBER: Suggesting to you how to further undo the man in Number 10.
CHAIRMAN: So what is strategic about that?
MEMBER: You can tell me; you always know.
CHAIRMAN: (takes a deep breath) You see, the harm we suffered in Uxbridge and Ruislip is traceable to several factors.
MEMBER: One.
CHAIRMAN: The fact that our worst enemy is where we don’t want him to be.
MEMBER: And where’s that?
CHAIRMAN: You mean you don’t know that Boris in journalism is our greatest problem now.
MEMBER: Is he?
CHAIRMAN: From now into the future.
MEMBER: Ehn-hen, I never taught about it that way.
CHAIRMAN: (an aside) What do you ever think of? (to MEMBER) Now think.
MEMBER: I am.
CHAIRMAN: I can tell you he’s one dozen journalists packed into one.
MEMBER: Who?
CHAIRMAN: Boris, or who else have we been talking about?
MEMBER: I see.
CHAIRMAN: The political and media spaces are more confused now; no, I mean more convoluted.
MEMBER: They are?
CHAIRMAN: Of course, and because of Boris.
MEMBER: Right.
CHAIRMAN: Is that all you want to say.
MEMBER: I mean, so what must we do?
CHAIRMAN: Now, you are making sense. Make suggestions.
MEMBER: Let Boris be.
CHAIRMAN: What?
MEMBER: You can see our party leader avoids him.
CHAIRMAN: That’s not a proper strategy; do you know who Boris is?
MEMBER: If you know you will win the next election for sure, you won’t struggle anymore; it’s what our party leader is doing and I told you this several times.
CHAIRMAN: This is nonsense.
MEMBER: Then you haven’t been reading the comments out there.
CHAIRMAN: What do you mean?
MEMBER: ‘It can’t be any worse’: In Boris Johnson’s back yard, Britons are desperate for a change.
CHAIRMAN: Who said that?
MEMBER: A CNN correspondent. The results amount to a comprehensive rejection of the Conservative Party, which has seen its poll ratings nosedive in the months since Boris Johnson’s departure.
CHAIRMAN: Same CNN correspondent?
MEMBER: Same. Our party leader read those and many more after we won.
CHAIRMAN: Stop saying we won. This is a setback.
MEMBER: Our party leader didn’t see it that way, so he maintains, waiting to be sent to Number 10 by voters when the time comes.
CHAIRMAN: It means you read only one side to this. Emily’s tone has been devastating, like Boris’ has been on ULEZ before the election.
MEMBER: Emily has been sarcastic; she changes nothing as the numbers stand in the polls at the moment.
CHAIRMAN: Even when she says that Number 10–
MEMBER: –responds to by-election defeats by threatening more division.
CHAIRMAN: And that our party leader responds–
MEMBER: –by listening to ULEZ concerns and working with Sadiq.
CHAIRMAN: So you are aware.
MEMBER: You don’t ever think I am.
CHAIRMAN: And you know Emily’s devastating question?
MEMBER: She asks; Which one of the two politicians is fit to be Prime Minister?
CHAIRMAN: So, what do you say we should do about that?
MEMBER: I’ve said it, nothing.
CHAIRMAN: What do you mean, nothing?
MEMBER: I mean nothing; this election is ours to loose and our party leader knows it.
CHAIRMAN: This is balderdash .
MEMBER: Absolutely.
CHAIRMAN: I couldn’t have been talking to a human being all this while.
MEMBER: Right.
CHAIRMAN: Those political commentators, combined with Boris at The Mail, will finish us.
MEMBER: Absolutely.
CHAIRMAN: We can be in Number 10 and soonest we are out if this is how they continue to attack us.
MEMBER: Absolutely. Our party leader knows that already.
CHAIRMAN: We have to do something.
MEMBER: He does nothing. So do nothing.
CHAIRMAN: But this is the Strategic–
MEMBER: –Planning Committee. Our party leader has a strategy.
CHAIRMAN: No, he doesn’t.
MEMBER: You choose to not see it.
CHAIRMAN: He does?
MEMBER: He wants to get into Number 10 first, and then allow events to dictate the rest of the way.
CHAIRMAN: He will sooner be out of the place.
MEMBER: It doesn’t bother him. One thing at a time.
CHAIRMAN: We should bother in this Committee.
MEMBER: You bother, as usual, not me.
CHAIRMAN: But, but, if our party leader is thrown out of Number 10 even before he settles down, I will lose my job so fast that–
MEMBER: Now you finally say why you worry so much.
MEMBER stands up and walks away.
CHAIRMAN: Of course, I worry about our party’s fortune; what happens after we’ve won in 2024.
MEMBER: (sniggers) Party? You?
CHAIRMAN: (looks confused) Yes, party; or, or, what else do you think this is all about?
CHAIRMAN follows MEMBER out.
END
