By
’Tunji Ajibade
I welcome you all to this press briefing where I unveil the categories of honours to be awarded as deemed fit by the pleasure of the Bear of the Russian Empire. By the way you may not be seated until I instruct you to do so. Anything to the contrary will be severely frowned upon by the Bear as you well know. That he’s not on seat at this time is no excuse. You can see that chair with the golden armrest over there, it belongs to the Bear. So his spirit is here in this press hall even if his blank face is not here. He has made it clear after the Wagner mutiny that he wants everyone to be reminded of his presence everywhere and anywhere.
A street in Moscow
He can’t afford to let citizens forget him for a second. It’s dangerous as the Wagner mutiny has shown. You will do well to remember that Moscow is the east of the west, so you can expect that there are differences in culture and style of leadership. (Aside) Wherever there is a bear, all other animals take precautionary measures. Even me, his spokesperson, I do until I get my chance.
(Continues) Yes? Which reporter over there is raising her hand? Olga? Right, Olga. It’s just as well that a reporter from one of the most loyal and patriotic media houses in the empire is asking the first question. She’ll show all these western journalists etiquette and respect for leadership as we know it here in the east of the west. Yes, Olga, you have the floor? What? Yours isn’t a question? Then what is it? An observation. Well, observations are fine, and you may go ahead. You said you were not treated this way whenever you attended events in Paris or London. This is the east of the west, Moscow. You may have to thank your stars that you are not further east to the east of the west where the Rocket Man presides. There, you will stand and clap as he makes his ever grand entrance until your bones ache in your hands and your clenched teeth behind your stern face ache in your jaw. Olga, you say why teeth? Don’t you see the grim faces and clenches jaw of those who clap animatedly each time he makes his grand entrance? Look, don’t even go there, don’t make me start any comparisons between the two great leaders because the Bear and the Rocket Man have bombastic friendship at this time, no offence meant and I mean it.
Now, as for the honours list that the bear has approved, names of the worst guys around are on the list. Yes, strange honour such as the best dictator of the decade, the foremost coup plotter of the decade, the smartest hard drug importer to the US, the longest serving president who wants to die in office, the bestseller of smuggled diamond to the Russian empire. The list is longer than that, and don’t be deceived to imagine the way I mention them is how you meet them on the bear’s list. He’s too smart for that. So you have to be a James Bond and use your detective paraphernalia to discern why a certain person from Uganda is on the list. Or why another certain person from Zimbabwe is getting a posthumous award for Lifetime Achievement. The award night is an occasion you should attend and it is the essence of this press briefing. And if you don’t attend but think you want to go to a Nobel Prize-giving ceremony instead, you can be sure I will personally withdraw your press pass. That’s a joke though because I will need you pressmen from the west one day. O yes, I will. (Aside) I know you will help me broadcast it that my life is at risk so my application for asylum should be granted quickly. Who wants to live forever under this lion?
(Continues) Someone’s hand is up over there? Gina, of The Membrane newspaper. Go ahead with your question. Is that it, a question about the late Wagner boss? Well, if you haven’t been a friend of the House, I would have dismissed that question of the cuff. O yes, I would. You see, this is not the kind of place where you should ask such a delicate question about the kind of death that killed that former prisoner. It is not. You see you put the life of everyone of us at risk, asking that sort of question in this press hall at the heart of the Kremlin. Don’t forget that even dissidents who thought they were far away in the UK got their poisons delivered. That’s a joke by the way. But here you are, asking about a person that has become persona non-grata in the entire empire.
No, no, no, Gina, I disagree with you. I do because if you say Russians rejoiced and took selfies with him when he was some 120km away from Moscow, then you are disparaging the person of the bear of the empire, and I’m not going to stand here and allow it. Do you know the Wagner man that we are talking about well enough? I don’t think so. I think you western journalists just like to hear the worst about this empire. O yes, you do. See, this person was a petty criminal. After serving nine years in the prison of the communists he became a hot dog vendor. He then owned elegant restaurants and a catering service. Just because the bear used to patronize his restaurant he bestowed favour on him, that’s all. But he misused it, stabbing the bear in the stomach, sorry I mean stab in the back. (Aside) I hope the bear is still reeling with pain. (Continues) So Gina, we cannot afford to waste precious time talking about a common peasant like that one.
Any other question, please? Yes, Ron, of Malabu Journal. How can you ask me that kind of question, Ron? Ask the White House Chief Press Secretary, please. She would know why President Biden said he wasn’t surprised that the Wagner man met his fate as he did. You see, Biden never liked the bear, so you can expect him to grandstand and make speculative comments about what the bear of the empire might have done or not do. For every avoidance of doubt, the bear has said his last on the matter, and he was so gracious that he took all the pain to say something kind about the passing of this guy. Biden didn’t commend that, rather he wanted to paint the bear of the empire bad. See, this is very undiplomatic on the part of President Biden and I shall cause Mr Lavrov to send a strong protest letter to the American ambassador for onward movement to the White House. Ours is a sovereign empire and no leader of another –
What? Rihanna, of Rioja Times. You say how can I say Russia is an empire when Ukraine is still a free nation. Let me tell you what you don’t know. Russia is an empire with or without Ukraine. And who tells you that the bear will not have his way? (Aside) I hope he doesn’t because he will then want to rule forever; I can’t bear the prospect. (Continues) Rihanna, I advise you to go and check your history text book well. We have always been an empire and em– em– Yes? What did you say? There is a rumour? A rumour that the bear is suffering from an ailment and you want me to confirm it. I think you should confirm from the source of the rumour. The bear is the bear, hale and hearty is the strongman of the empire. Hale and hearty, I can confirm to you for free. Meanwhile, I know it is the detractors of the empire who peddle this wicked rumour. But they refuse to acknowledge the fact that no ailing leader takes a grand walk in front of cameras as the bear likes to do always. Didn’t you see the latest grand entrance he made when he held a meeting with the security council after the Wagner treachery? You didn’t? Ah, no wonder detractors sold you wicked rumour and you bought it. Hmn, I imagine you will soon buy berries from Iceland to make wine even though Rioja, your part of Spain, is famous for its fine berries for wine.
Let me tell you, no one likes his grand entrances in front of TV cameras more than the bear. You can quote me anywhere, including in the CNN that likes to carry rumour about the bear. If you doubt me yourself, you can watch some of the videos of events that the bear attended in recent weeks. The bear likes his space, just like a bear in the Arctic. O yes, he does. Even you, did you ever see him arrive a meeting without walking almost two hundred feet with all the cameras in full view? No ailing leader does that. The swinging of his arms even is enough to convince you that the bear is fit as a fiddle. He likes his space; I’m telling you, he does. The last time he held a meeting with his security council, he walked two hundred feet across a hall in the Kremlin and sat behind a seat as big a snooker table, talking across the floor to his officers seated some thirty feet away. Never you speculate that he sits so far away because he doesn’t know who may have a knife in their belt. Times are pretty precarious since the Wagner mutiny happened. But don’t quote me on that. It’s just my way of saying the bear’s voice is strong, very strong. And only a man that doesn’t ail can command such a voice that travels so far that even the CIA can pick it in their clandestine offices at the American embassy in Moscow.
Now, people of the press, permit me to read out the order of events at the award night where honours shall be–
END.
