By
’Tunji Ajibade
This grand occasion, the very first press briefing since the government relocated to Port Sudan, is at the pleasure of the Leader of Boys in Khaki of Sudan, His Most Superior Excellency, General Burhan. Kudos to him because he has ensured all of you, western journalists and diplomats, are safe here in Port Sudan. Here you’re able to continue with your daily chores, unlike in Khartoum where those rebels have made life impossible for civil servants and diplomatic missions.
Moving the machinery of government from its eternal capital to a new place is no joke. It’s a mighty effort, what the general has graciously done for all of you, much like placing Mount Kilimanjaro on one’s shoulders if any of you get my drift. And I’m sure you know Gen. Burhan has the gait and the shoulders to carry all of your problems, and those of the good people of Sudan. I thought someone would burst into an excited round of applause for the general like they normally do in the Great Hall of the People in Pyongyang. Well, you may not applaud him if you don’t like to. But be sure that this is the power that be in this Sudan at the moment; whatever the leader of those rebel boys in the paramilitary RSF think he is don’t mean nothing.
Maybe I should remind you that there are leaders of the Boys in Khaki and there are leaders of Boys in Khaki in Sudan; my boss the general is different. See, he’s unlike that Dagalo the leader of the rebels who trades in gold. Don’t even believe what they say that Burhan is fabulously rich in cattle and gold, em– em– Sorry, I mean to say in mega companies and factories that run the economy of Sudan. It’s not true, and I should know because the general has only the love of the people at heart. He does, because he has a big heart; even doctors at the Khartoum National Hospital who check his heart from time to time testify to this. They say the general has a large heart. And what do you store in a heart that is large? Thoughts of the people, of course.
That’s why I can tell you without asking for a bribe that the general is looking out for the welfare of the people. Eh, don’t raise your hands yet. Don’t, because I’ve not asked that you ask questions. I know you. Maybe you are even from one of the media houses that hate the general. Who knows? Many haters of army generals masquerade as journalists these days. I don’t want some treasonous questions asked even before the press briefing is well and truly under way. The times we are in are for serious business, not for questions that disparage the personality of the general.
Let me tell you; don’t think you can come here and report what you don’t see. This is Port Said, em– I mean Port Sudan, not some western cities such as New York, Washington, Paris and London. I’ve not been to those places but I learn you criticize leaders there. This is different and I’m not going to watch any journalist insult the general. I hope you’re aware we’re about to make new laws to take care of the new circumstances in Sudan; long years in jail for gross insubordination to leaders is the focus of the new law. You’ll know what I’m talking about when you remember Cairo. I learn over there state officials pocket journalists like coins for any reason that an official wakes up on the wrong side of bed and thinks about. No nonsense.
Meanwhile, don’t you believe the claim that soldiers earn a mere $11 – $16 a month, while the generals enriched themselves by setting up companies and factories that have given them control of 80% of Sudan’s economy. It’s an open secret that Hamdok, the former prime minister, who peddles such a rumour hates the generals; so what do you expect him to say? If anything, it is Dagalo the leader of the rebels that has become a big gold trader after his forces took over Sudan’s most lucrative gold mines in 2017. That’s the truth, so you can report that in your newspapers. In fact, I encourage you to splash it as Breaking News. That way you help us bring security to Sudan. If we crush the rebels and their leader, even you journalists will enjoy the luxury this nation has to offer. Think about that; or what’s the point in working so hard without having nice time the way our generals do?
For your information, Dagalo and his boys in khaki are country bumpkins, unfit to rule a modern state like Sudan. You know where the majority of them comes from, don’t you? Rural areas. If they promise you democracy, it’s rule by an emperor you’ll get. That’s the kind of mindset they have. Only the general is civilized enough to guarantee return to democracy that you journalists from the West always yearn for like a bottle of coke on a sunny day. Don’t mind me, it’s a joke, Coke is actually a popular brand here. And I learn some of you have shares in the company, so we’re on the same page. By the way, it’s the general that can make Coke remain in business here. So let your western audience know that and support the general.
As we speak, all the important nations support the general. Remember the Saudis. They like Gen. Burhan like bees like beautiful flowers. And don’t believe the dissents that say the Saudis supported a sit-tight leader like Omar Al-Bashir and that’s why we’re in this state. Don’t believe them. Whatever will be will be. And I believe it is because it is the turn of Gen. Burhan to rule; that’s the reason we are where we are. This thing is turn by turn. It’s Gen. Burhan’s turn. After all, Al-Bashir was once a general himself before he shot his guns into power. So no one should lecture us on what is not. Here, anyone can rule and you journalists from the West shouldn’t tell us what is fit and proper for our nation. The people of each nation know a good leader when they see one such as Gen. Burhan.
By the way, the general is well accepted across the world. He addressed the UN General Assembly of late and I watched on TV how applause for his excellent speech rang from the four corners of the UN building to the four corners of the world. That’s the kind of leader Gen. Burhan is, well loved home and abroad. You, put down your hand, put it down! I’m sure you want to allege that Gen. Burhan has critics in Sudan. Even President Biden of the US has critics, so what are we talking about? Meanwhile, don’t go and report the nonsense which some say that Dagalo’s boys are on the ground in Khartoum, not government forces. Where do you expect rebels to be, in the air where they have no aircrafts as the nation’s army does?
Hm-hmn? Whose hand is up over there? What is it you want to ask? Is that? You say army’s aircrafts have been bombing civilian targets. That’s not true, and any such insinuation must be from the leftists among Dagalo’s rebels. They make all manner of claims these days, including the falsehood that they control three cities, including the capital city Khartoum, Bahri and Omdurman. You see, what the general did was to carry out a tactical retreat. It was what he did as expected of a firm but compassionate general who has the interest of Sudanese, western journalists and diplomats at heart. Listen, I can tell you that–
What? Speak louder, I can’t hear you. You say Perthes, the former UN special representative to Sudan, told the Security Council lately that indiscriminate aerial bombing is conducted by those who have an air force. Well, you can draw your own conclusions from Perthes’ comment. All I know is that Gen. Burhan has given the right response to similar claims. He said in a recent interview that such insinuations originated from fabricated stories by the rebel forces. They bomb civilians and film it as if it was the armed forces. The general says we are professional forces, we work with precision and select our targets in areas where only the enemy is present. We don’t bomb civilians and we don’t target residential areas. That’s all I can say about that, and I want you to quote me. I’m the one you should quote, because this is our show, not Dagalo’s. He and his country bumpkins in Khartoum can call their own press briefing if they like.
Now, I proceed to the main menu for the day, which is to officially announce that the government of Gen. Burhan has graciously offered to hold political talks with Dagalo. Yes? The person raising her hand over there. What is it? You’re asking if the general wants to hold political talks because the UN has said neither our government nor Dagalo’s group is close to a decisive military victory. Well, the UN is well respected here, but I have to say that’s their own opinion and they’re entitled to it. I can assure you though that we’ll defeat the rebels, and Gen Burhan has said so in this press release which I shall now proceed to read to you: “We are ready to engage in negotiations. If the leadership of these mutinous forces has the desire to return to its senses and pull its troops out of the residential areas and return to its barracks, then we will sit with any of them. The Sudanese people are united behind one cause, ending this mutiny peacefully or by combat.”
Any other questions, please?
END.
