By
’Tunji Ajibade
Thank you for attending the ceremony for this second leg of the visit by the Great Leader; I mean you residents of Vladivostok only, not journalists from the West. Journalists from the West don’t need to be thanked; it’s their job they’re doing, ever eager to sniff the air to catch any whiff of scandal about the Great Leader. You can be sure it’s one reason they come in their numbers to this august occasion. It’s what they know how to do, sniffing for scandals. Okay, if you say I lie, check the Special Report CNN aired about the rise and rise of the Russian Bear and you see what I mean. I learn from inner sources that the Russian Bear lost his appetite for twenty-one days after he watched the report. If you see him not putting on weight of recent, you know why.
I can sniff it from a great distance that the BBC too will soon join the race and do “Our World” focusing on the Great Leader. It’ll be full of scandals, both imagined and those based on wicked rumours. And you know what? Trust them to trace it to ‘a reliable source’. That’s what they all do, journalists from the West and I don’t blame them. Scandal is the stuff news is made of. But I can assure you that this visit to Russia by the Great Leader won’t provide them with any wicked rumours they can splash as news on the front of The Guardian in London or Le Monde in Paris. These newspapers are notorious for their dislike of the Great Leader. They just don’t like to see his face and his well-endowed stomach, which is a bountiful gift of nature that many of them are jealous they don’t have. Pure jealousy of the Great Leader, that’s what bellyaches those media houses and I can tell you that for free.
By the way, it’s been a successful trip for the Great Leader; I mean the first as well as the second leg here in Vladivostok. Since he left Amur region where the Russian Bear received him ever so grandly and warmly, the Great Leader has visited key military and technology sites. Earlier today, he toured a university and watched a show at the Primorsky Aquarium. Now we’re here to bid him farewell. Ahaa, you see, one journalist has already raised up his hand to ask questions. Look, if it’s the usual question that compares the Great Leader’s armoured train and armoured limo to your claim that starvation kills citizens in North Korea, then I can tell you that you have no question today. Come back tomorrow.
On a grand and relaxed occasion such as this one, how can any journalist take interest only in armoured train and armoured limo when they should be inquisitive to know what assistance the Russian Bear and the Great Leader have offered each other? You should ask also how much of the ammunition of the Soviet era that Pyongyang has the Great Leader has agreed to support Moscow with in its war in Ukraine. These are what make this visit a success. But your noses don’t want to sniff success. Instead, it’s wicked rumour you want to sniff.
Meanwhile, I want to– Yes, you. You raise your hand up; any questions. Is that it? You’re asking if I would concede. Concede? See, the decision by the Russian Bear to welcome the Great Leader at Russia’s most important launch center in Amur region doesn’t mean North Korea has failed in its effort to put its first military spy satellite into orbit. You know say I should concede that such is the case. Far from it. (an aside) If you were in my position as PR man from our Ministry of Foreign Relations one, would you concede that your country failed? (continues) In fact, this is one of those occasions the Bear needs us the most so he’s wooing the Great Leader in the best way possible. Think of it, when you want a bride do you take her to the poorest part of your family compound?Pyongyang is the bride the Bear needs so much at the moment, or what of his Soviet era weapons that don’t have Soviet era ammunitions anymore? We still have them as our most sophisticated weapons so what do you expect? You expect the Bear to not meet the Great Leader at the launch center in Amur, but at the jailhouse where he keeps Alexei Navalny?
Hey-hey, put down your hands all of you! Put down your hands. I know you want to ask about Navalny. This is no time for journalists to ask questions about the opposition, otherwise you will turn this into a human rights inquisition and I won’t permit it. In North Korea, there are no human rights. And make sure the Great Leader didn’t arrive from the Primorsky Aquarium and find you discussing human rights. You don’t want to sour his ebullient mood, do you? You shouldn’t, not after he enjoyed a cartoon featuring beluga whales, bottlenose dolphins, fur seals and Misha the walrus at the Aquarium? In North Korea, human right is the exclusive right of the Great Leader. He grants whoever he wishes privileges, citizenships, and deletes names of those whose face he doesn’t like. He and the Bear see face to face on that one. They see face to face that any citizen who asks for human rights should be given the Navalny and poisoning-in-London treatment, I can assure you they do, in case you need Breaking News this is it.
In case any of you journalists conceive it in your head to ask the Great Leader if his summit with the Bear underscores how Russia and North Korea’s interests are aligning in the face of their separate confrontations with the west, I can assure you that you have a fabulous question. Shoot. But make sure you don’t ask him questions about his nuclear ambitions. Such question can make his well-endowed stomach bellyache. But be warned that such may result in a lot of rhetoric that can send stocks on Wall Street going mental. Nonetheless, you may ask him when he arrives from the Primorsky Aquarium; but that is if you don’t mind words as missiles landing in front of Number 10 Downing Street and the White House. The Great Leader is a militant orator you know, and I’m sure occupants of Number 10 and the White House know what I’m talking about.
Who asks that question? Who? Are you from Sky News? Such a disappointment. So you’re not a journalist from the West but you ask treasonous questions based on wicked rumours. It’s wicked rumour that North Korea has outdated air force which relies on warplanes sent from the Soviet Union in the 1980s. How could you dream that the Great Leader seeks better military cooperation for that reason? I hope you won’t ask the Great Leader the same question when he arrives. Don’t, because I can’t guarantee that when you return to Malaysia someone won’t meet you in the airport lounge and cover your nose with a rag that has strange substance. You journalists shouldn’t strive to know too much about North Korea, it’s not good for your health. Wait, all of you. Hmm? All of you, why don’t you get smart and ask smart questions? When the Great Leader arrives, ask him smart questions. He likes them and that means you will receive a call later granting you his gracious permission to undertake a grand tour of North Korea. Don’t you want grand tours?
Who says, what kind of question? You mean you haven’t been noticing of late that the Great Leader is preparing ladies to take over from him as leader in our great country? You must be the only journalist who doesn’t know that this is a project that is dear to his heart. Making ladies take over from him. At least, that’s my guess. Don’t you think it’ll be an interesting question – Great Leader, is it your sister or your teenage daughter who will take over from you as leader? No journalist ever asks him the question, even though he’s been going around with his sister and lately his daughter. Didn’t you see how the Great Leader took his daughter along when he visited military facilities back home? Ask, and you will get fabulous answers from him.
In fact, I’m certain that he will smile his ebullient smile as he tells you 50 Interesting Things you don’t know about his daughter. He will tell you that she’s brilliant, has a good grasp of complicated matters of state, and he’s sure she will make a good leader for the good people of North Korea. Think about it; won’t it be good that after three generations of male Kims, a female Kim will be a welcome phenomenon? You know what? If the Great Leader has not thought about a female successor before, your questions should sow the seed in his head. After all, even the United States of America with all its braggadocio about gender equality hasn’t ever produced a female occupant of the White House. In North Korea, we may want a female leader for a change; (an aside) maybe less funds will be expended on missiles and consequently there’ll be less starvation among the people.
(continues) Yes, I was saying that– What is it, you? A question? You say, Is Russia scraping the bottom of the barrel by looking for assistance from Pyongyang because it’s having trouble sustaining its military? Ask Dmitry Peskov that question. He’s the Bear’s spokesperson.And if you call North Korea ‘bottom of the barrel’ because you imagine we don’t have capabilities to assist the Bear, I can only hope your question doesn’t get you on the list of those who will get poison visitors. Those who went that far in London got visits from poison specialists from the East.
When the Great Leader arrives from the Aquarium, you may wish to ask him to corroborate what the Bear had said at their summit.The Bear said Russia and North Korea have lots of interesting projects in transportation and agriculture, but there are also opportunities for working as equals. If you make the mistake of asking when the giant Russian Bear became the equals of North Korea, you are on your own. Let me add that–
I’ve just been informed that the limousine of the Great Leader is approaching the train station. The departure ceremonies shall soon commence. You journalists can move to this side. Yes, this–
END.
