By
’Tunji Ajibade
You’re welcome to this ceremony where we shall unveil the names of the various military coup d’états that have happened over the past sixty years across Africa and in Uganda in particular. I shall soon yield the ground to the only military cum political strategist among us, Gen. Muhoozi Kainerugaba and son of His Excellency the President. It is he who will categorise for us the military coups and tell us why the Ugandan revolution of 1985 led by His Excellency cannot be similarly categorized with coups across the continent.
Now, the exercise is important for obvious reasons, and you well know that Gen. Kainerugaba doesn’t want his ascension to power after his father to be seen as– em– Ur, sorry, I’ve just been reminded that I’m not meant to say that as it’s em– em– not at all on the itinerary. And of course you know the Bobbi Wine crowd may seize on it to wickedly attack the government of His Excellency as they normally do to the delight of journalists.
Let me start by saying that this event takes place by the authority and evergreen pleasure of His Excellency, the President of the Republic. This is because he’s a listening leader and he wants a closure on some of the issues that have been trending of late, including resurgence of coup d’états in Africa as well as those rebellious political agitators in Uganda. I can assure you that His Excellency listens to everyone and gives courteously adequate responses to people. Even as we speak he listens because the Chinese have helped boosted his listening devices with their latest hitec technology. In that case I may as well warn you to watch the thoughts playing in your hearts. That’s how effective all the surveillance hitec that the Chinese have supplied are; the Chinese are that good. By the way, you know by now that it’s His Excellency’s new policy to run an open government and prove the allegation of closed government made by the Wine followers wrong. I’ll clear your doubts regarding all of that before we depart.
Yoweri Museveri, Ugandan president
You took can think about it, how can Bobbi Wine spread those wicked rumours about secretive house arrest when His Excellency now runs the most open government on the continent? Yes, His Excellency does, or haven’t you noticed he says it as it is? He even said he doesn’t mind running over all those rebels in Congo if it’s the only means of getting back some of the tribes there that the colonial masters erroneously handed over to neighbouring Congo. He ran over Congo in the 1990s and he can do it again. See, among leaders in Africa His Excellency says what he means bluntly; that’s how open he is rather than engage in all those diplomatic pretence. In fact, after staying in power for nearly four decades he has promised that he will tell the nation how he plans to win the next election. Uh, sorry, I don’t have His Excellency’s permission to disclose his intention regarding that one, it’s a slip. So never mind me.
But I can tell you to not mind what detractors say that His Excellency is an old man. His Excellency is still as fit as a fiddle and I know he remains the best leader for this nation forever; I mean to say, going into the future. It’s the reason he has graciously embarked on a cleaning exercise to prepare the ground for the launch of his bid to contest the next– Ur, sorry, his bid to clean and garnish his record, and I can tell you that as his Minister for Special Duties I am at the forefront of the effort. In fact, I suggested this strategy of properly naming all the coups so that rebels such as Wine won’t use allegation of His Excellency’s coup against democracy to continue to score cheap political points.
You know, rebels, I mean political rebels, not those bandits in the mountains, make earthworm hills out of the fact that His Excellency has been in power since he emerged from the bush war to save the people of Uganda in 1985. I can tell you though that Wine is too full of wine and that’s why he makes all those allegations against His Excellency. Imagine, some who belong to Wine’s school of rebellious thoughts say His Excellency has been staging coups against the good people of Uganda in each election circle. That’s not true, and they say so because they’re ignorant of the appropriate names for each category of coups. This is what we are here to correct for the sake of CNN and BBC correspondents that are present here.
It’s not right that I should leave such journalists at the mercy of the Wine crowd who are good at misinforming well-meaning people. It’s all they are good at – misinformation. In any case I shouldn’t leave the journalists in doubt as to what military coups in Africa are since they don’t have a taste of them in their own country. It’s my duty to ensure they report as well the good deeds that His Excellency has been doing among the people of Uganda in these short few years that he has been in power.
What? Did someone just say almost 40 years in power is not few short years? Who is the journalist that makes the comment? You are pro-Wine, aren’t you? You must be because it’s only pro-Wine journalists who can make His Excellency feel old. How can you insinuate that His Excellency has been in power for far too long when emperors rule for their entire lifetime? The next thing you will allege is that His Excellency has muffled the opposition, and that Wine is under house arrest. Look, in Africa well-meaning citizens approve of it when young persons who don’t respect elders that have paid their dues to the nation are taught lessons in good citizenship. Like they do in Pyongyang, new orientation is being inculcated into Wine as we speak, so don’t you call this what it is not. Or do you think politics is some musician prattling on stage at Kampala International Stadium?
Meanwhile, no questions about the possibility of introducing term limits into our constitution are permitted. And I won’t permit questions as they so freely did at the naming ceremony of storms in some European nations recently. In addition, don’t think anyone who calls himself Wine can do as Madam Babet did in The Netherlands, going to the Mets on open day and putting her name forward for the next storm to be named after her. Storm Babet. It’s graciously kind of the Met though that they approved Madam Babet who was born in the course of a storm. But this is Uganda and no one with the name Wine should think they can copy Madam Babet and put themselves forward for election. Here, it’s the good people of Uganda who respect elders that have paid their dues to the nation that decide who should rule them. And they’ve always done that in favour of my principal, His Excellency.
As for journalists from Europe who are present at this grand occasion, don’t conceive it in your mind that you can draw parallels between naming of storms in the UK and naming of anything here in Uganda. This is a sovereign nation and I won’t permit anyone to suggest that we’re copycats. In fact, I won’t permit any suggestion to name a coup d’etat here with any imported names either. His Excellency has banned all imported names, including Wine and the rest of them. If you think the UK-style of recognizing the name Storm Babet from Holland for the storm that ravage their shores is an example you can point to, you are mistaken. No one will suggest that we call a coup in Uganda by a name from foreign lands and think we will accept it; I can tell you that for free. We are an independent country and we can name our coups d’etats as we deem fit. By the way, I need to tell the history of coup d’etats in this nation.
For those who don’t know, there have been two military coup d’états in Uganda. One was led by the Field Marshal himself, Idi Amin Dada, in 1971. He removed Milton Obote who was making patriots who had served in the army uncomfortable with his anti-African socialist policies, so you can call that a military coup d’etat. As for what happened in 1985, His Excellency then a freedom fighter freed the people of this nation. That was what happened. It will be myopic on the part of anyone to call that a military coup d’etat. It’s a clarification you need so that no one brands His Excellency a coup plotter; that will not look good as he starts the process of cleaning his resume in readiness for the next presidential em– em– ur, I mean, his next policy agenda for the good people of Uganda.
It’s important I remind you that His Excellency is not a new person to the global community when it comes to running an open government. In the mid-to-late 1990s, His Excellency was lauded by western countries as part of a new generation of African leaders. As for that allegation made by Wine and his followers that– Yes? You have a question? You have to, journalists always have questions. It’s not time for questions yet, but I permit you to go ahead since this event has been going on smoothly thus far, to my intense satisfaction I must add. Ehn-hen, is that your question? Look, that’s an allegation from 2005, and I wonder why you dig its carcass up. Ugandan Parliament abolished presidential term limits in 2005, yes. But the allegation that the parliament did because His Excellency used public funds to pay US$2,000 to each member of parliament who supported the measure has been well trashed since them.
Let me remind you that since then, His Excellency has contested against several opposition candidates and he has beaten all of then hands down. As for this Wine fellow, he’s only making earthworm hills out of– What? You say His Excellency’s government fears Wine’s popularity and that’s why it has arrested him after his trip to South Africa. I can tell you that such allegation is a figment in the eyeballs of the Wine crowd. Why should His Excellency’s government fear Wine, a young fellow he has beaten in past election. His Excellency will beat him again like you see the police do to him and his– em– em– Ur, I mean His Excellency will beat him again if the people of Uganda nominates His Excellency for 2026. Meanwhile, you can put it on record that I’ve suggested it that His Excellency should contest in 2026. I have. It’s important you put it on record because such a suggestion is good for the career progression of every politician like myself who have their eyes up there.
As for the Wine allegation about house arrest, I shall proceed to read the official statement of the Ugandan Police Force: “We wish to inform the public that the opposition party president, Hon. Bobbi Wine was successfully escorted by our security team from Entebbe Airport to his home in Magere. This is to ensure his personal safety as His Excellency the President has said that as part of his new government policy, he wants an open an transparent process regarding the security of politically exposed persons such as Hon. Wine. All inconveniences are doubly regretted.”
That’s all I have to say regarding the fictitious house arrest alleged by the Wine crowd. Now I yield the ground to Gen. Muhoozi Kainerugaba who will perform the naming ceremony for us. Please, join me to put hands together for the military-cum political strategist himself, the one and only impeccable heir to the throne of Uganda, the man of the moment, the saviour of our time, the best brain that Uganda has ever produced, the–
END.
tunjiaoa@gmail.com
