By ’Tunji Ajibade
That’s an attempt to de-market Red Knight. What? Greg, you ask if I’m referring to Boris Johnson. Why, BoJo isn’t the politician whose unofficial biography bears that title of late. I mean Sir Kier, of course, my party leader and I can tell you that this attempt to de-market him is due to bad belle, a mild ailment that one of my Yoruba friends from Nigeria called belly-ache which detractors permanently suffer from. So, Greg, I won’t even respond to your initial question. I have more serious issues to thrash at this press briefing than that. As a matter of fact, it’s the war BoJo wants to start in this latest round of election campaign that makes me call this press briefing.
Yes, Cynthia of The Post. You say, has the election campaign started? Ha, what do you think this is about, I mean that book written about Red Knight? And, why do you think the Tories go to that number one enemy of ours asking him to join them? They’ve just opened the old rivalry between the former PM and the in-coming one from our party. It’s what they’ve done with this call to battle. You heard them, didn’t you? I mean Graham who praised BoJo in certain terms, which I think he thoroughly deserves. They know what they’re doing, those Tories. It’s a challenge they threw at us. I mean to say it’s war of the century they’ve declared by joining forces with BoJo, and I’m here to let them know we are ready for them.
If you must know this is a challenge to my acumen to unravel the Tories. O yes, it is and I’m taking this very personal. In that sense I won’t attend to the question Greg asked earlier on. You too, consider it; how can– What? Cynthia, you say a question is a question and a correspondent is entitled to an answer. Well, em– em– this is all happening around the time of International Women’s Day so I won’t argue with you in honour. In fact, the last argument I had with my wife earlier in the morning cost me much. So I’ve become wary of arguing with you ladies on a day like this. If you must know, I don’t argue with ladies on International Women’s Day, and don’t ask me when I began to tread that honourable path. Anyway, another round of argument here will be another reason for me to visit the NHS. The one I had with my wife turned into sudden toothache at the back of my mouth. So I might finish this briefing and see my dentist nonetheless. The only challenge is that those Tories have put NHS itself on the waiting list and I fear I may get there and be told I’ll be on the queue for the next six months.
Meanwhile, it’s some situation I have on my hands with the manner the Tories drew the dagger. Ha, look at Greg. He’s asking me, what dagger? What else did you think their latest effort meant? It was a stab in the back, bringing BoJo into the fray at this time in the manner they did. I’m in enough ebullient mood to even call it a masterstroke; that’s what it is. This was one formidable political opponent I thought I had dealt a blow to long time ago. But here they are, the Tories, putting him back in the ring. Yes, Cynthia. You say it was Red Knight and his guys in the House who ensured BoJo exited both Number 10 and the House that time. Today is your lucky day, so I won’t argue that observation with you either. But if you expect me to address the press and give all credits to anyone apart from myself, you must have another job waiting for me. Why do you think that apart from being MP I’m also the spokesperson of our party? It’s to give those Tory people knockout blow? It’s important for my political career, the reason I combine both tasks. Now you say I should attribute any successes achieved to someone else. See, this is a fight for my career as well, and no Red Knight should think this is all about him getting to Number 10. Cynthia, no one in politics holds slices of bread stuffed with sumptuous salmon and then put them between the teeth of another person at the breakfast table.
By the way, what the Tories plan to do with the grand entrance for BoJo is– Yes, Cynthia; you say don’t I think it’s all whitewashing ahead of the election the content of the book on Red Knight. You see, this is the challenge I have with you press guys. I come here to do one thing but you hold me by the jugular and make me do another. It’s those Tories and BoJo I’ve come to– Anyway, I suppose I shall have to attend to all your questions. Look, the content of the book has been caught in what some of your tabloids have been saying. I mean, what have I got to say about the content when your colleagues have already said it all. Think about it, when a book on a politician such as Red Knight comes out at this time as it does, what do you think it’s all about? I meant to say, what else can I say after all the glowing tributes in the tabloids. Take The Times, for instance: “Red Knight is well written and researched and, I think, pretty fair.” Then The Independent: “Ashcroft has done his research and he does tell us important things about Starmer.” And so on and so forth.
I can tell you authoritatively that Red Knight is building on that as we speak. Well, he intended to build on all those accolades. He knows the momentum is on his side. But you can see what the Tories are doing, bringing BoJo and stealing the headlines from Red Knight in the past few hours. I think they do it deliberately, those cunny foxes of British politics. They know who to introduce into the conversation and take the glare off Red Knight. That’s what I want to undo and it’s going to be long fight for– Greg, you say what is my view on the accusation that Red Knight is a bureaucrat first and a politician second? You mean you too believe in that? Okay tell me, what point do you want to make with that kind of question?
Look, your question is exactly what Red Knight is folding the sleeves of lawyer shirt to address once he ascends to the throne, em– sorry I mean once he’s in Number 10. Come to think of it, Greg. His detractors, may have a point. If Red Knight were to ascend the throne he looks serious and fitting for the part rather than a politician. Don’t you see how he keeps his lips sealed all the time? Sometimes, I wonder if he really seals his lips, like sealing them with a turban. My Nigerian friend says Emirs seal their lips with turban to prevent spilling of the bean. Red Knight won’t spill a thing on the throne, looking so serious as he does all the time. Well, maybe it’s the reason his detractors now allege that he’s a bureaucrat more than a politician. The truth is that the Tories are out to de-market Red Knight and my job is to counter them.
They said in the university Red Knight was the backroom guy, the one who did the hard work but the rest sat around and talked. As a young lawyer, he was once so preoccupied with work that he didn’t notice a burglar making off with the TV. Even some talked about his absolutely phenomenal productivity rate and capacity to immerse himself in detail. So for that reason many say Red Knight won’t be a slacker prime minister. But if you guys don’t mind, I want to return to the BoJo matter and it is– Greg? What? You editor just sent you SMS that BoJo joining the campaign isn’t sure. Is that? That’ll be my shoot, I mean my coup. May I see the SMS, Greg? Right. Ha, it’s the usual suspects talking – Nadine and Andrea. Die-hard loyalists. Who else could it have been? These ones won’t let BoJo speak for himself and let me know his mindset on this. See what Nadine is saying. Oh, it’s even a tweet: “There’s no thawing of relations, no plans to campaign. Sunak not spoken to Johnson for over a year.” As for Andrea she says, “No 10 will be desperate to get Boris involved to stop more defections and letters but has Rishi even bothered to speak to Boris? No he hasn’t!”
Look, Greg, these are people I need to fear – people like Nadine and Andrea. I’ve never seen anything like it. They stick to BoJo like earlobes stick to even a shaking neck. That’s how dangerous those two Tory politicians are. Fact as I know it is that Number 10 and BoJo have not exchanged comments since Remembrance Sunday event last year, so I had wondered how this would have worked so smoothly in the first place; what with a cabinet minister announcing this, not Number 10? But anything is possible, anything. It’s politics, otherwise who would have imagined that a former PM would be back serving as Foreign Secretary? But that’s one sign of the times, and I don’t doubt they may eventually persuade BoJo to come on board at any cost he mentions. Such a hurricane of a campaigner, or what was that Graham said: ‘Boris is a fantastic campaigner, he’s like a flesh-eating monster’?
Cynthia, you raise your hand. I hope your next question is not about Red Knight, because it’s for the BoJo business that I’m here. A comeback for him is an existential threat to us in Labour. So I proceed now to unveil to you the media blitzkrieg I’ve scheduled in order to–
END.
