By ’Tunji Ajibade
That’s an excellent question. But I have to unbundle it as it’s a twenty-in-one question like those tea beverage concoctions that they call four-in-one; whatever nonsense that means. You say you’re from The Cockatoo? Fantastic newspaper house, friends of Gen. Muhoozi, his father our amiable president, the entire First Family, and all those who love them in Uganda the heart of Africa. The first in your bundle of questions is if Gen. Muhoozi is the heir apparent to his father’s throne in Uganda. Excellent question. I’m even appropriately impressed because you recognize this is a throne, so no one who’s not in the bloodline can imagine to usurp it. Well, I can’t confirm or deny such speculation which as you and I know is very popular among Ugandans. Note that I say among Ugandans. Ugandans will decide who their next president is. But if you permit me to gaze at the stars and read them accurately, I can say this popular request among Ugandans is popular with me too. So–
What? You say the people’s general has made undiplomatic comments about some foreign governments. And, what’s that to you as Ugandan citizen? They can’t decide for us who to have as our next leader in this nation. If foreign governments don’t like the people’s general we like him. Ugandans like him. We know their plan. Those foreign governments. I can even see their plans in the palm of my hand as I speak. I see it. And it’s treasonous. They want to impose one Wine on us, but it won’t happen. Even you, hear the name. Wine. I don’t know if he’s French wine, Spanish wine, or British wine because politicians like him have colonial mentality. Only what is foreign is good to many of them. Wine. Hmn. In these days that the people’s general is promoting what is ours. He even promotes our local drinks which are very good for real men who want to put up a good show for their wives in the other room.
One called Wine now comes here and sells to us foreign wine. Not here. Check out the people’s general. Even his name is ours – Muhoozi Kainerugaba. Or, did you hear anything like Wine in the name? Someone calls himself Wine. See, if he ever gets to become the leader of Uganda he’ll give all of you press guys too much wine, and you’ll be missing yours footsteps back to your office after each press briefing. Which news editor wants a drunkard news hunter in their newsroom? Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
But if you press guys like, recruit drunkards who like to take foreign drinks from Wine. The people’s general will teach them a lesson. He’s been saying patriotism is paramount. So any news hunter who has too much to drink from Wine such that they write what favours the opposition will get their fingers burnt; such a fellow will incur personal out-of pocket expenses at the hospital. And that’s if loyal and patriotic soldiers of the people’s general are patient enough to permit him crawl to the hospital in the first instance. Times are bad. so don’t say I don’t warn you.
Now to the other question in your bundle of questions. You asked why the people’s general told his supporters to not march to the parliament building during the latest street show of force, as he had agreed with them to do. The people’s general is magnanimous in victory, that’s all I can say. Even you, if you have won your battle before you fired the first shot, would you still march on into battle? Hen-hen, you see. The people’s general saw that his opponent in this game of successors had seen his popularity among Ugandans, the show of force, and he had conceded defeat. He– What? You ask if the president’s in-law concedes defeat even though the next election is far away, and the president hasn’t said he’ll leave office. Well, I didn’t mention any in-law; you did. But, yes, the only opponent of the people’s general conceded defeat even long before the next election. And if you doubt me, tell any in-law you have in mind to come out to test his street credibility and let’s see if one single Ugandan will join him. The street credibility of the people’s general is unmatchable by anyone in this country, I can tell you that for free. No one will even try it where soldiers of the people’s general are on the lookout for saboteurs, whether they’re Wine or some in-law. As one of my friends in Nigeria normally says, Who born monkey?
Imagine, the people’s general wasn’t even out for that match but the streets were already filled from north to south in Uganda. What better street credibility can one ask for? And– What? You say the demonstration took place only in Kampala. Have it your way. I thought you were for the people’s general. But here you’re expressing opposing views. I shall send a strongly worded letter to your editor at The Cockatoo. Next time, he should send to me only news hunters who belong to our camp. As for your question, all I can tell you is that Ugandans love their general, the people’s general so they came to the streets to support his bid for the presidency, not some bloody civilian whose names include Wine. Whether it’s bubble wine or purple Wine, it’s the opposition that knows. What I know as MP and Coordinator of Muhoozi For President is that across Africa the general is more popular than Lionel Messi and Christiano Ronaldo combined.
Listen, anything they say in Kenya, Sudan, and where else? In Ethiopia, DRC Congo and in that country called White House. The– What? You say White House is in the United States of America. Heen, whatever. See, all of them know the people’s general in that White House. They know him very well. What an honour? As I speak all of them are talking about him. If not for some bureaucratic turtlenecks, I mean bottlenecks; you know bureaucratic bottlenecks, don’t you? If not for bottlenecks in the White House, I’m sure the people’s general would have been invited to the recent inauguration of President Trump.
As for– What? You say the general is a controversial figure in some of the countries I mentioned. That’s the challenge I have with you news hunters. Who defines who’s controversial? I say we love our general in Uganda you mention controversial. What, if the people’s general said he would invade Kenya, or even Tanzania? What about it? You know what the Tanzanians did to us in the past, sending in troops as they did to remove Field Marshal Idi Amin Dada from power that time. That’s invasion of our privacy, em– I mean our sovereignty. Things have changed and we too can do to others what they once did to us. You would agree with me that the people’s general has built the most formidable army in the whole world. And, of course, you know how the people’s general and his father cherish the memory of past soldiers, those who have paid their price for this nation.
With regard to your question about that tweet by the people’s general that he’s more handsome than President Trump, well that’s basically to entertain his followers. No disrespect intended. The people’s general likes to entertain. Even Muhammad Ali the boxer entertained his supporters. He famously said that when he was gone if anyone remembered he was an excellent boxer, and remembered to add too that he was handsome he wouldn’t mind. You, don’t you entertain your friends? By the way, I was about to add that the people’s general did note– What? The general’s X account. What about it? Well, he closed the account before and now he opened it again. It’s his sole decision. That’s why he’s a general, head of our land forces.
And before you suggest that he didn’t think properly before he closed it down, I need to remind you that generals on war fronts don’t often have more than a second to take some decisions. Life-saving decisions are sometimes like that on battlefields, split seconds. So you won’t blame him for acting like the general that he is. I’m sure if he asked his followers first if he should close down his X account you news hunters would be the ones to accuse him of being a sissy. He has shown leadership in this matter but you’re not happy. That’s the issue with news hunters. No one can please them. And I can understand. Even president Trump has not been able to please the American press. He has not, in spite of all his efforts to drain the swamp in that nation as American voters sent him to D.C. to do. Here in Uganda–
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