By ’Tunji Ajibade
You can’t ask me that kind of question, you can’t. And if you keep telling me it’s your job to ask questions then I tell you it’s my right to embark on strike and refuse to answer questions. I brought myself to your studios, and I can take myself away from here. That this is a life TV interview means nothing. Haa, it’s the PM of the UK we’re talking about here. Come to think of it, were you now the news hunter who came to my office at the time the former PM Boris Johnson was in Number 10? You came to ask me what I thought about my boss who was then the leader of Labour in opposition. Were you not the one? You see. I took all the pain to grant you interview at a time when you were a junior news hunter. But now that you rise and you have your own show you think you can denigrate the PM.
Let me tell you, the table has turned. My boss is the PM and I won’t condone any disrespect to the personality of his most right honourable person. I won’t. Don’t say because you now anchor your own Friday Evening With Pete you can say whatever you like. By the way, the matter of human resources manager that you raised earlier is neither here nor there. In any case, I guarantee you that since it’s an aide to the PM who mentions HR manager he’s most probably out to praise his boss. And he can praise the PM even up to the great height where Big Ben majestically sits, staring down at all of London. That’s all I can say on that matter. Don’t forget that HR functions have valid leadership and business credentials. Oh, it does. HR is absolutely a leadership role, and the PM is leading. (Aside) Even though I don’t know where he’s leading to; all who supported Labour during the election began to depart barely days into his administration.
(Loud) Let’s not forget that employees are the most expensive assets in any setting, and the PM is keeping all employees safe in the UK at this time. That’s a promise he made and it’s the promise he keeps. (Aside) Even if all teachers go on strike. (Loud) Look, I think I mentioned a few things to you before the last election. Hello? You say like what? Well, have it your way. But if you weren’t forgetful I did say that em– em– forget it. (Aside) How could you have forgotten that I said this man was a lawyer, the tight-lipped, say-nothing type and he indeed said nothing relevant to show voters what real policies he had before the last election. Smart fellow, all he needed to do was ride on the Tory’s roller coaster to Number 10. And that was all he did. (Loud) Ah, yes, I was about to say that the current occupant of Number 10 stands for respect and hard work. Yes, it’s all he stands for. (Aside) Not for anyone who says they’re pensioners. Not even during the biting winter when they need government support.
(Aloud) I was about to remind you that the PM has shown leadership on the war too. Em– yes, war. He’s doing fine on that because he em– says all the right things. Everything he says is politically correct at this time, well I mean it’s correct in Europe. Defend the free world and the rest of it. Or who doesn’t want a free world, free Europe, free Ukraine, one free from the fellow in the Kremlin. So the PM is doing fine on– Hello? You say you are about getting to the war matter in Ukraine. Oh, you don’t need to. Because I can tell you all you need to know since– The reality is that we don’t need all that controversy about sending troops to Ukraine even if there’s no peace deal between Russia and Ukraine. (Aside) Actually, sending troops out for any reason at all will give the PM some breathing space at home. He may even escape from time to time to some safe corners in Ukraine where he talks to our troops and call it war front. Anything would do. That gives him time to escape all the punching at home from the Tories (Loud) Hello? You say, what do I mean by saying even if there’s no peace deal? Hmn, I mean to say that em– It doesn’t matter.
But it’s important I let you know that all members of our ruling party are agreed on one thing – the decision to send armed forces into conflict situations is known as a prerogative power which can be exercised by government ministers. Hello? You say you know that. Don’t tell me what you know. I’m here to inform and enlighten you about em– party politics and parliamentary process. If I don’t you’ll start to ask all those defamatory questions that the Tories love so much and put in people’s minds. That’s all they do, those Tories. They like asking questions like they like truffles. You know truffles, don’t you? Everyone likes truffles, although I’m not sure about PM. He doesn’t appear to me he pops one between his lips from time to time. Those lips look too serious to allow any truffles into them. Although I can check that piece of information up for you with the cook in Number 10. Or is it the chef? The cook is better. Cooks see the mouth of occupants of Number 10 more than chefs. Ah, what am I saying? I wanted to say butlers, not chefs.
The fact is that in constitutional terms, parliament has no legally established role in decisions to deploy the armed forces and the government has no legal obligation to keep parliament informed. There is, however, a Parliamentary convention that says such a decision must– Hello? You say you know all of that. See, don’t tell me what you know otherwise you shouldn’t have invited me to your studios for a live interview such as this one. All over the UK and around the world, as the BBC says, citizens queue up to hear factual information about how their parliament functions. But here you are saying you know all of that. Let me tell you, you don’t know; it’s the falsehood that those Tories spread you know. Falsehood. Misinformation. The only thing the Tories are good at. And I can–
Hello? You ask what I have to say about my party leader’s promise back in 2020. You mean his campaign promise to create a law that would require the consent of the parliament when taking any military action? Well, em– em– I can say campaign promise is one thing, governance is another. Let me tell you, governance isn’t as easy as you think. It’s not and I can tell you as a backbencher who hopes to be in the front one of these days. I sure hope to. Good for my career. The fact of the matter is that only the Tories think about the question you just asked me regarding campaign promise. Only the Tories. I can pick their scent one ocean off. What do they even mean? Have they forgotten that their immediate past occupant of Number 10 gave the green light to strike the rebels in Yemem without a parliamentary vote?
Even the questions raised in parliament by those Tories regarding the size of any potential peacekeeping troops in Ukraine is misinformation. They want to misinform the public. If not why did they support Ukraine in the past when they knew we didn’t have enough troops to put on the ground in case peace eventually happened? And if you are listening to the former National Security Advisor saying our military is very hollowed out and it would struggle in Ukraine, it’s propaganda sponsored by the Tories. I can see their marks all over that kind of talk. Hmn, those Tories, there’s no shenanigans they won’t foment at Westminster against the PM. None. Even you Pete, think about it, the Tories’ Questions Time has been always to make the PM look em– em–
Hello? You say Question Time is a parliamentary procedure to hold the PM accountable. It doesn’t matter. The Tories have been making the most of the procedure in bad faith, and that’s not good for the image of the occupant of Number 10. (Aside) Even if he seemed to be good at asking questions in opposition and not answering them as PM. (Loud) The PM has been up to them though, those Tories. He takes them on like Mount Everest takes on everyone, dwarfing all things, including the man from Pyongyang, that’s if he ever dares to visit that famous place. So, in our parliament I can say it’s been fairly a fair year for the PM who– Hello? You say since I’m talking so much about the parliament, who do I have in mind for the vacant post. Well, the vacant post of the Usher of the Black Rod popularly known as Black Rod is indeed, as you rightly stated earlier, a prestigious post responsible for the mace. And I think em– em–
Hello? You say since everyone now says my superior is doing so badly in the polls and is good only as HR, not leader, maybe he should get the job. How could you even suggest such a thing? That’s inappropriate. It’s preposterous. It’s– Hello? (Stands up) Look, if you keep telling me Black Rod is an honourable job, with centuries of tradition behind it then I’ll take myself out of this seat and out of your studios. Have you considered what would happen to me if the PM isn’t on that seat again? You now say he should apply for the– I’ve had enough of your harassment for one day. (Storms out) It’s the person you want to leave without a ranking job of speaking for our great party you’re looking for.
END.
