By
’Tunji Ajibade
Pic: President Museveni
Those who peddle wicked rumours about election in Uganda are in for a rough time, particularly anyone who has the effrontery to call himself Wine. Look, no Ugandan should say their name is Wine, not under my watch. How can anyone bear such a name when typical names of exotic traditional Uganda drinks are so many? For the foreign guests here present, journalists and diplomats who want to enjoy Ugandan hospitality to the fullest, we have traditional drinks such as Bushera, Tonto, Mubisi, Ajon, Kwete, Omuramba, and Chai just to mention a few. You can drink any of those, as much as you want; I recommend them to you.
In fact, I shall issue a presidential decree that all guests to Uganda should be given one guard of fresh traditional drink free upon request in any part of the country. That should clear your doubts that we are hospitable people, contrary to the fake news some media platforms in the West spread about Uganda. As for the Wine fellow, he doesn’t select any of the names of our exotic traditional drinks, instead it’s some foreign name like Wine he bears and expects to rule this country. Does any of you see anything foreign in my names – Yoweri Museveni? Do you?
On such a joyous occasion like this when we celebrate Uganda’s Independence Anniversary, I can even allow you journalists and diplomats to take luxury in what Nwalimu Julius Nyerere the late president of Tanzania once said about me. He said my father, Amos Kaguta, was a soldier in the King’s African Rifles during the Second World War when Ugandans fought on the side of Britain. He said my father was in the 7th battalion. So when I was born, relatives used to say, ‘Yoweri’s father was a mu-seven’, that is ‘in the seventh’. Nyerere said that was how I obtained the name Museveni.
Well, the important thing is that my name is home-grown, rather than some who say they are Wine. Soon, we’ll hear some calling themselves Whiskey and Champagne, a bad example that I have decided to nip in the bud by banning the importation of all imperialist wine, whiskey, and champagne. Let no one even talk to me about some African Free Trade Agreement and such like, because my government won’t even listen. Those who choose Wine as name entertain pure colonial mentality. That’s what they do. When this Wine is ready to bear any of the names of our traditional drinks, I will recognize he exists. That’s when I will condescend to even mention his name as a member of the opposition party in this country.
Mind you, there’s no opposition party in Uganda. Did I see some of you diplomats raise your eyebrows just a notch too high? Don’t, please don’t. You see, what you don’t know is more than what you know. Let me tell you what you don’t know; it’s un-African to have opposition. We thrive on consensus, and I am consensus; all my critics need to recognize that. Anyone who disagrees with me is a rebel. You know I was once a rebel, so I know how to deal ruthlessly with rebels. Imagine, some critics even went as far as selecting that fellow that calls himself Wine as an election observer to another country. I’m here but they don’t invite me. Instead they invite a young man who has shown disrespect to an elder like myself. Look, in Africa you don’t disrespect an elder and expect to sit in the seat of that elder. This is a glaring case of cutting the toe to spite eyeballs, that election observer thing. I’m the one they want to spite, and it won’t work. No, it won’t as long as I rule here in this wonderful nation. All trouble makers must know that I am in charge here. O yes, I am.
By the way I need to seize this opportunity to say a few things in response to certain false allegations made in some quarters about General Muhoozi Kainerugaba. You see now, that reporter over there is already looking excited. I know all you reporters want to ask me the question when I give you the opportunity. Well, I cannot deny it that General Kainerugaba is my son even though some have insinuated that I could deny him due to some of his pronouncements of late. What you don’t know is that General Kainerugaba is a patriot, and you should be on the lookout for him as I continue to ruminate over my political future. He too has been digesting the issue of stepping into my shoes; so how can I deny him? It’s just that sometimes he overtweets, that’s all. And who doesn’t overdo some things from time to time? Even the great Yoweri, I get my blood pressure too high sometimes; thanks to those who bear the name Wine. Who wouldn’t get high blood pressure when some youth give the masses so much wine to drink every election cycle?
Meanwhile, I vouch that General Kainerugaba didn’t mean to disrespect our neighbouring countries by saying he and his army can overrun Nairobi, Kenya, in less than two weeks. He was only deploying a figure of speech; that was all he was deploying – figure of speech. You know we have our own form of figure of speech in Africa. O yes, we do and any of you foreign journalists and diplomats present can come to me for tutorial. Of late I’ve been thinking of retiring from this job of president. It’s just that some people won’t let me take a rest from the job. They’re the only problem I have in this whole of Uganda, and it’s a good problem, especially my Vice-President who has already nominated me for the same job come 2026. He’s a good problem, actually. He and all the good people of Uganda who like me and are so loyal are the challenge I have; I hardly ever start one five-year term when they nominate me for another since 1986.
By the way the selection of the Wine fellow as an observer in Kenya’s election was an act to spite General Kainerugaba as well. But we won’t allow any such shenanigan here. We won’t. No one would be permitted to embarrass the general of the Ugandan army. Don’t forget that I was an army officer myself, and I served this nation to the best of my ability. So I know what it means to be held with disrespect by any bloody civilian such as the Wine fellow. He was a singer, wasn’t he? Now he wants to rule a people that have a history of strong leaders like me. As such I shall be sending a strongly worded protest letter to the United Nations or whichever entity appointed the Wine fellow as an election observer.
Imagine, a child that attended school when I introduced free primary education was selected to observe election. Those are the things I’ve done for this nation, free primary education, but my detractors won’t see that. I’ve also been organizing free and fair election in this country for decades and I should have been selected as an observer, not a fellow called Wine. As for those who are garrulous and who garrulously say I stay in power for so long, my question for them is: what would they do if their people returned them to office regularly with almost 80 percent of the votes. That’s what I’ve been scoring since I began organizing election even though some detractors claimed I said I would put my political rivals six feet under.
I wouldn’t have bothered to decorate such detractors with my precious response if not that some busy body human right organisations have latched on to the same narrative. They make fantastic claims that my government’s troops violated human rights and engaged in torture and corruption. It’s all false and this was attested to by my election twice as the chairperson of the African Union. Even my government’s successful campaign against AIDS has been praised across the world. Under my government, Uganda became the first country to be declared eligible for debt relief. Those are the kinds of achievements enemies of progress won’t want the world to hear about. Instead, they’re singing election fraud, a figment of their dream.
Even the New York Times has praised me, stating that I, Yoweri, move with the measured gait and sure gestures of a leader secure in his power and his vision. Imagine, such high praise from such a respected newspaper and that’s what some rebel wants to tarnish. The paper writes that diplomats have said I started an ideological movement that is reshaping much of Africa, spelling the end of the corrupt, strong-man governments that characterized the cold-war era. New York Times further says many are calling me an African Bismarck and some say I’m Africa’s other statesman, second only to the venerated South African President Nelson Mandela.
Even a United State’s Secretary of State once called me a beacon of hope who runs a uni-party democracy. She attests to it that I am an important ally of the United States in the War on Terror. So what are we talking about? Now, one Wine comes here to claim that he’s any politician in my estate called Uganda. Only patriots who have paid their dues in bush warfare such as myself have a right to this estate. Only patriots like me have a right.
As for those–
tunjiaoa@gmail.com
