By
’Tunji Ajibade
Don’t ask me questions about it because you already know the answer. Don’t bother to– Uh? You say you don’t? That must be the April fool of the decade. You are a journalist as I once was before I entered the Commons to become Labour Party’s spokesperson. We both learnt in school how to stage a media battle. This is a battle as you well know, and we’ll give it our all. Uh? Ken, from The Reed. You say does the battle include using ads to say what is not true about the man in Number 10? I don’t know what you are talking about. What I know is that in battle all is fair. I mean the battles of the pre-medieval period.
In any case, I don’t know which of the ads you’re talking about because we’ve thrown many out there for the Tories to deal with. I give them work to chew, they should chew. It’s my job, the job Labour gives me, and my leader has been very pleased about my effort so far. Think of it, if I wasn’t throwing bombs in the media that landed in the right places, causing unforgettable wreck and consternation in the tents of the Tories my leader wouldn’t retain me on this job. That you and the rest of the media guys have been asking me questions regularly about this is a sign that I’ve been successful and I relish it. Even you, don’t you relish success? How you achieve it matters little. Getting the job done is the thing, and my leader and his colleagues think the best of me otherwise they won’t be doubling down on this as they do, or don’t you think so?
Meanwhile, Ken, if you’re asking specifically about our ad which states that the man in Number 10 doesn’t think child sex abusers should go to prison, then you’re asking me a wrong question at the right time. Uh? You say what do I mean? I believe you see where we are in the polls. Can we ever be wrong when we’re where we are? That’s it. And I’ll advise you to not be bothered by those who claim our ad cheapens political debate, that we play gutter politics. What works is what works. I’ve sown the seed of doubts about the man in Number 10 in the right places and my party can wait to reap when the time is ripe. Let me bring you into some inside stuff. I’m in the strategy team and I can reliably tell you that this is an effective tool to get people talking about crime. You know as much as I do that the number of perpetrators of child abuse has gone astronomical under the Tories, so what are we talking about? This matters to all of us, fathers, mothers and the young. Let the Tories deal with the doubt about their ability that this has sown in minds across the nation. And don’t forget the Tories once did this to us, accusing my party leader when he was Director of Public Prosecutions of failing to go after a perpetrator
Still on these ads, don’t also forget that strategy must meet the needs of the time. This season is what it is, and I don’t need to tell you that media attack ticks when garnished with dubious and inflammatory content. You know that when this happens the response helps amplify the message. Thereafter I can come out, as I’m doing now, to stand by the ad campaign, doubling down; that way I give it longer shelf life in the media space. It’s what you’ve just provided me the opportunity to do, the reason I said you asked the wrong question at the right time.
And you know what? While you guys fact-check, congratulating yourself on unraveling so-called lies in what I put out there, the audience I targeted only remember what I purposely wanted them to remember. Did you forget? In 2016, we let out the message that the Tory government sent too much money to the EU. People remembered that and they voted in the manner they did. Well, what greater harm have we done this time when I assert that the Tories are soft on crime? Uh? Kim, from The Poster. You say will the leader of my party walk back on the latest ad based on the criticisms that have come across party lines? Don’t even think it. Who eats fine pork, enjoys it, only to say they won’t touch it again?
May I inform you that this is one issue, I mean the crime ads, in the long chain of the strategy that I’ve drawn up for our leader to pursue? Didn’t you take note of it? If you did you would have seen a pattern. First, we posted tweets explaining how we would address crime and antisocial behaviour; then we followed with the ad in which we said the Tories don’t think child sex abusers should go to prison. As a matter of fact, it may interest you that one of the things I plan for this press briefing is to release another bomb. We have it on authority that the man in Number 10 doesn’t want adults convicted of possessing a gun with intent to harm, and he doesn’t want them to go to prison. It’s a bomb, isn’t it? The Tories should simply get their bomb disposal squad ready and out to work. How they handle what we throw can’t be our business. And I can tell you authoritatively that in the next few hours, my leader will be sending out series of tweets explaining how we’ll tackle crime and its causes. It’s part of a strategy since you don’t know.
Uh? Kim, you ask if I think the latest ad is racist as some have alleged? Em– Em– Well– em, I won’t even respond to that kind of question. Remember, this is war; O yes, it is. Politics is war and don’t you let anyone tell you otherwise. They say all major parties criticized the ad; don’t mind them. Wait until each of them is on survival mode as we are at this time. Didn’t you hear it when the Tories called us Softy. Uh? Ken, you say it was my leader they said was soft on crime. What’s the difference? We’re saying the same thing. See, don’t bother about the dissenters, the few rebels among us. We, the Labour, are largely on the same page over this. Uh? You say how could that be when the shadow home secretary was neither informed nor consulted about the release of the ad and she and some other MPs have distanced themselves from it?
Ken, I’ve always maintained that you talk as a journalist. I talk as a politician. You see, every politician wants to win, and they will win at all cost even it means playing what some erroneously called gutter politics. Think about it, what’s gutter about politics? I’m sure you will even quote to me Labour sources who said the MP in charge of crime policy has nothing to do with the ad despite being in overall charge of crime policy for Labour. That most members of the shadow cabinet are caught unawares over this is nothing. We’re working in the best interest of all, and in politics all weapons are permissible. Or, do you want to tell me that the few dissenters will say because of the ad they will not take up appointment when we win and we allocate them post? Ken, leave us politicians and our political posturing. We all want one thing – power
And Ken, you and your colleagues shouldn’t be unfair to us in your reportage. Go and check, many other Labour MPs are quite happy at the latest punch we landed. The punch is KO against the Tories, and who doesn’t like his favourite boxer to win by KO? We’ll still win more. We’re on our way, just wait and see. You need to listen to Pat, good old Pat, and Emily, fiery Emily, who says it as it is. She’s one good face of this party because when she appeared on TV show she punched even harder, insisting that the man in Number 10 was answerable for a broken justice system. Voters saw that particular punch land. You shouldn’t dare Emily, and I won’t advise Tyson Fury to try it. So we’re on course. Labour is on course and you can expect us to get more muscular. Every boxer must, you know, and we intend to be as we draw closer to the final bout. Just imagine a few more pounds of muscle on my party leader. Try imagine. The political blow he’ll land on his opponent will be more astounding. And you know we’re heading for an astounding victory.
Now, I want to–
tunjiaoa@gmail.com
