Boris Shot Elephant

By ’Tunji Ajibade

1^st Person: Boris Johnson shot elephant lately.

2^nd Person: It’s more than elephant.

1^st Person: Exactly! (stops, thoughtful) What do you mean? In fact, how do you know what I’m talking about?

2^nd Person: I know.

1^st Person: You do?

2^nd Person: He shoots more than elephants.

1^st Person: We can’t be talking about the same issue.

2^nd Person: I said, with Boris it can’t be elephant.

1^st Person: Meaning what?

2^nd Person: A Nigerian friend once narrated to me a Yoruba saying.

1^st Person: That–

2^nd Person: The hunter who shoots elephant can never stand next to the hunter who shoots humans. Over this whatsapp brouhaha Boris has finished off those in Number 10.

1^st Person: An African friend of mine also said in ancient times only the person that could kill an elephant with bow and arrow ascended the throne in his community. Anyway, how did you know I was talking about Number 10?

2^nd Person: The same way you knew.

1^st Person:  This man has become Plato

2^nd Person: So, which should I take: elephant killer or Plato?  

1^st Person: All combined. Wait, who was actually the smartest politician in ancient Greece?

2^nd Person: All Greeks.

1^st Person: I’m serious.

2^nd Person: I’m not joking myself. Greeks were smart people; they agreed selection of their representatives was the best way to rule themselves. They voted the leaders they preferred.

1^st Person: They aren’t smart then, I mean those who banded together to force him out,  removing the man so popular with the people, such huge majority in parliament in 2019. (smiles and shrugs) But it was nice they helped Labour to remove the elephant in our room.

2^nd Person: One of them was saying all of that, accusing the Tories of–

1^st Person: You mean the Health Secretary Steve Barclay; he told Sophy Ridge that Boris still has a huge role to play. It’s bad coming from them.

2^nd Person: One part angers me in the play.

1^st Person: Which part of what play?

2^nd Person: The play about Plato that I watched at the theater lately

1^st Person: You won’t be serious for once; I talk Boris, you talk play about Plato.

2^nd Person: You’re still on that? But you say he’s Plato just now.

1^st Person: O, you be serious for once.

2^nd Person: I am. I watched the play when the theatres reopened after the long Covid shut–

1^st Person:  I am talking about the host of them, like Barclay that he still has on his side.

2^nd Person: Elephant killer or Plato?

1^st Person: Call him whatever you want.

2^nd Person: He sure knows how to deliver a good shot.

1^st Person: He has to.

2^nd Person: I’m not sure they know the politician they’re dealing with.

1^st Person: They don’t. Those in Number 10 did what they did and expected him to lie low?

2^nd Person: A politician who’s ever steps ahead of them.

1^st Person: He was angry after his diaries from his time as prime minister were handed over to the police.

2^nd Person: They and their lawyers said they were concerned he had broken more rules during the pandemic, which was actually a way to keep him occupied with the police. But Barclay and other allies continue to support him.

1^st Person: It’s a bad juncture.

2^nd Person: For who?

1^st Person: You mean you don’t see it?

2^nd Person: I see Boris whose killer shot is doing massive harm to all those who see him as a threat and strategise against him.

1^st Person: (jaw drops) This is the challenge I have with–

2^nd Person: Challenge? I thought you said it’s Number 10 that has a challenge with Boris.

1^st Person: And you don’t see that what is a challenge for Number 10 is a challenge for us?

2^nd Person: For you, and I? I don’t–

1^st Person: I repeat it for the one hundredth and one time that I don’t see why you should be in Labour Party’s Strategy Planning Committee, and I–

2^nd Person: Go on and say the rest of the usual stuff. Go on.

1^st Person: (resignedly) Well, it’s just that we have a problem.

2^nd Person: You always have problem.

1^st Person: What do you mean by that? You don’t have a problem as a member of this committee?

2^nd Person: And your problem continues because he’ll always be here.

1^st Person: I don’t get you.

2^nd Person: Didn’t you see the reception for him in Uxbridge and South Ruislip when he secured the full funding package for the redevelopment of the Hillindon Hospital?

1^st Person: Meaning?

2^nd Person: Politics is local.

1^st Person: So?

2^nd Person: You, Number 10 can do what you want; his local constituency will send him here.

1^st Person: You support him then.

2^nd Person: So you don’t see the marks all around.

1^st Person: His marks are always around, even after he left Number 10.

2^nd Person: You don’t even get me.

1^st Person: I do.

2^nd Person: And you don’t accept he has licked Number 10 on this?

1^st Person: There must be a way out.

2^nd Person: Even when all Tories shout “weak” but say they can’t effect changes now?

1^st Person states at 2^nd Person.

2^nd Person: He has Hallet too on the backfoot. 

1^st Person: Impossible; as it is, she’s spitting fire about the direction the Covid Inquiry is taking, just the way I like it.

2^nd Person: If she lost this battle, she has no choice but to go.

1^st Person: Battle?

2^nd Person: With Number 10. She must resign.  

1^st Person: What?

2^nd Person: And that’s one more loss for you against him.

1^st Person: Impossible. Hallet can’t go.

2^nd Person: Even after she said there was no way she could do a good job without Boris’ full whatsapp messages.

1^st Person: Does it matter?

2^nd Person: That’s like saying it wouldn’t have mattered if Cameron didn’t conduct, as he had promised, a referendum on Brexit after he won the general election.

1^st Person: Two different things.

2^nd Person: Right, two different things– (mocking) the Chairman of Strategic Planning Committee!

1^st Person: O, you’re impossible.

2^nd Person: It doesn’t matter what Hallet does next, like it shouldn’t have mattered if Cameron didn’t resign after the outcome of the Brexit referendum went against him.

1^st Person: It’s bad for my strategy if she goes.

2^nd Person: Everything is bad.

1^st Person: Why do you say that?

2^nd Person: Boris has shot them bad as it is.

1^st Person: Who?

2^nd Person: Everyone. Recall he set up the Inquiry himself before he left office; he sat opposite the members and had a good outing from what I gathered.

1^st Person: This is bad.

2^nd Person: Now you know.

1^st Person: O, you shut up!

2^nd Person: Right, sir, Mr Chairman.

1^st Person: (calms down) Number 10 will come out of this.

2^nd Person: Number 10 that Boris has put its back against the wall? 

1^st Person: How can you say that?

2^nd Person: You don’t see how they send Boris’ diary to the police, say the diary and whatspp messages don’t matter, tell the Inquiry it doesn’t need them for its work, and then call for a judicial review of the powers of the Inquiry?

1^st Person: None of this is in our favour, you know. He’s our number one enemy; there just must be a way out. Think, you–

2^nd Person: I advise, instead, that you look at him and learn, and those in Number 10 too.

1^st Person: What? I’ll recommend that the Labour hierarchy have you suspended from this– this–

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