By ’Tunji Ajibade
Chairman: Terrible week.
Member: How do you mean?
Chairman: You know.
Member: I thought everything went according to your plan.
Chairman: In a way, but not after that opinion piece by the university professor.
Member: The professor praised our leader, didn’t he? He said he was responsible for the covid party questions in parliament that harmed Johnson the most. And he praised the journalists who have assisted us too.
Chairman: The worst part.
Member: Our party leader or journalists.
Chairman: The professor’s intervention coming at this time. And he makes me realise there’s fire on the mountain.
Member stares at Chairman.
Chairman: O, never mind; you don’t always see what I see.
Member: I see the Tories in disarray.
Chairman: I see worse for Labour.
Member: You may have to explain.
Chairman: As I always have to do. Why you are–
Member: –a member of this Strategic Planning Committee is what I don’t understand. Don’t worry, you are the chairman, not me.
Chairman: Is that all you are going to say?
Member: You want me to repeat all that has transpired instead? Like Number 10 has been attacking Johnson hard–
Chairman: And Johnson has been hitting them in return, although rather subtly, a polished strategist that he is.
Member: And Johnson’s loyalists have been hitting Number 10 too.
Chairman: And Number 10 loyalists have been not as loud as they should be.
Member: And now there’s an all-out war.
Chairman: One that Number 10 cannot win.
Member: How do you mean?
Chairman: You mean you don’t see it?
Member: I should?
Chairman: Why not? You–
Member: –a member of the Strategic Planning Committee. Fact is that this is going well.
Chairman: What of the day it won’t?
Member: (scratches his head) The day it won’t?
Chairman: This has all been about Johnson, don’t you see it?
Member: And so–?
Chairman: So, I should be worried.
Member: Good.
Chairman: That–
Member: You are the only one who should worry.
Chairman: Aren’t you a member of this–?
Member: And you are the chairman, so do the worrying.
Chairman: I can’t believe what I’m hearing.
Member: You don’t ever believe anything.
Chairman: And you are a member of this–
Member: I am.
Chairman: You should be out.
Member: You should be out.
Chairman: But I do my job.
Member: I do too. You raise mountain where there’s none.
Chairman: You don’t know there is a mountain ahead?
Member: Fine.
Chairman: That there is a mountain, a political one?
Member: That it is in front of you.
Chairman: In front of the party.
Member: Then let the party deal with it.
Chairman: I am the party’s brainbox, as the chairman of–
Member: –the Strategic Planning Committee. I can’t believe it.
Chairman: What?
Member: That you are only the chairman of the Committee, not the party.
Chairman: I do my job strategizing.
Member: Focus on the now.
Chairman: Now?
Member: The party and its chairman will deal with the future.
Chairman: I am part of the future, so I must think and strategise to take care of it.
Member: You are an MP, you are not even sure you will return at the next election.
Chairman: I will, because our party leader will.
Member: If nothing happens to change his fortune before then.
Chairman: The party’s fortune you mean.
Member: We’re saying the same thing – party, leader, leader, party.
Chairman: Did you realize Johnson’s resignation is not good for us, our party leader?
Member: Nothing Johnson does is ever to your favour.
Chairman: So you know, I am happy. It’s a disaster he resigned.
Member: Number 10 is happy, even though they pretend they are not.
Chairman: Is that your reading?
Member: What else should my reading be.
Chairman: (looks disappointed) What kind of people–?
Member: –am I surrounded with in this Committee?
Chairman: You mean you don’t know our leader can’t be happy too?
Member: I’m hearing it from you.
Chairman: Well, he doesn’t say so, but I know.
Member: You are a mind reader.
Chairman: What did you say?
Member: Never mind.
Chairman: You see, politics has lost colour.
Member: The Tories.
Chairman: No, all of us, Labour Party, UK politics in general.
Member: I’m listening.
Chairman: This is the way it is. Question Time isn’t what it used to be in parliament where Johnson’s charisma rubbed off on our leader.
Member: (with mock interest) Is that?
Chairman: Yes. The fact is that those covid party questions were what made our leader look good. Even the university professor said so in his opinion piece, giving him the credit for bringing Johnson down. In those days our leader looked good attacking Johnson in parliament.
Member: What does he look like now?
Chairman: You guess.
Member: Cold winter morning or cherry bloom at summer?
Chairman: You make your choice. The fact is that politics without Johnson will make many voters lose interest.
Member: You mean they won’t vote?
Chairman: Of course they will, but if the turnout is low because they already know we will win, it may hurt us.
Member: So Johnson’s presence is what will make–
Chairman: If we don’t get an absolute majority at the next general election it will speak volumes about our party leader, that he has nothing to sell but attacks on Johnson. Didn’t you see how long he kept happing on covid parties long after Johnson left Number 10?
Member: The bye elections come first, don’t forget.
Chairman: Don’t you look beyond things? I mean–
Member: –see into the future? I don’t have a crystal ball.
Chairman: Then what–
Member: –are you doing being a member of the Strategic Planning Committee? Don’t worry, I will get too busy after the next election.
Chairman: How?
Member: I will be in the cabinet and I will be too busy to be in this committee.
Chairman: What posts do you eye?
Member: Chancellor of the Exchequer, or Deputy Prime Minister.
Chairman: Thief. The same two posts I eye are what you want to steal from me.
Member: I will get it.
Chairman: Don’t be too sure; my marks for achievements are too high before our party leader to overlook me.
Member: Is that what this is all about?
Chairman: What do you think it’s all about? In politics you seek–
Member: –higher office after you have performed well in the previous one. I’ve been wasting my time being a member of this committee then.
Chairman: I will remember you when I get there and I’ll pull you up.
Member: I will get the post and pull you up.
Chairman: I will get the post and pull you up. But I’m sad.
Member: Sad?
Chairman: For our party leader.
Member: Of course if he looses the election you won’t get the position you eye.
Chairman: That’s not what I mean. He may not last in the office.
Member: Then it affects you.
Chairman: That’s not what I mean.
Member: (with a wry smile) What do you mean, chairman?
Chairman: You see I should see ahead for our party leader.
Member: True.
Chairman: I’m serious.
Member: I don’t say you are not.
Chairman: He doesn’t have any other item on his To-do list when he gets to Number 10, except Johnson.
Member: So how does that affect the general election that polls say our leader will win?
Chairman: Think ahead of the general election, we are to think ahead; that’s why–
Member: –we are members of the Strategic Planning Committee. Wait, what kind of leader watches his cabinet members support a political rival and can’t do anything about it.
Chairman: It’s an example of the state of Number 10, reason the loss is bad for our politics.
Member: Loss?
Chairman: Johnson’s resignation. It doesn’t help us too.
Member: You mean it doesn’t help you.
Chairman: Why must you talk like that? This is about the party, the interest of the party, our party leader.
Member: (smiles) True.
Chairman: I don’t have him to talk about to the press, our party leader doesn’t have him to talk about to the press. Where does that leave us?
Member: You?
Chairman: I said– O, what have I just said? I meant– I meant, our party leader doesn’t have Johnson to speak about to the press or question in parliament. Don’t you see that TV stations air less of the exchanges during Question Time?
Member: They do?
Chairman: It’s a sign of what is happening to our politics, so I should strategise to–
Member: To make your chances of becoming Chancellor better or to–
Chairman: Not that, but to ensure our party leader is– em –em, has a strategy to hold on to his seat when he does get to Number 10.
Member: He has a strategy already.
Chairman: Of talking about Johnson all the time?
Member: Has that been his strategy?
Chairman: You don’t know? O, what are–
Member: –you doing in the Strategic Planning Committee. I will resign after the general election.
Chairman: That will be too long. I shall advise our party leader to send you packing.
Member: Very much obliged.
Chairman: I can do it.
Member: You are not threatening it for the first time.
Chairman: (gets up) Bet it if I don’t do it this very moment.
Member: Wait, what has our leader’s To-do list got to do with Johnson?
Chairman: The public will see quickly that he has nothing concrete to offer after the general election.
Member: And?
Chairman: His days will be numbered, of course; that’s why I want to strategise fast.
Member: So that your own days too at the Exchequer will not be numbered.
Chairman: (walks away) That’s your problem.
