By
’Tunji Ajibade
You got your question wrong about Sue, I can tell you that. Very wrong. I would have thought you would ask me why I was offered another four year term in this role by my party leader. Instead, you asked me what I thought about the job she was offered by my party leader. What do you expect me to think? The offer made to Sue will help us achieve our objective, more precisely my objective, yet you ask for my view. This is the challenge I have with you journalists. You ask obvious questions and sometimes, you ask questions that show your biases.
You are for those Tories, aren’t you? You are, I can tell from your eyeballs; they shine and I know only journalists who like the Tories have shining eyeballs. In fact, those that like Boris Johnson, our arch enemy, have emerald eyeballs. And don’t you ask me how I reached that conclusion. I know because this is my job as the Director of Communication for the Labour Party. I know enough to know that people who like Boris like him very, very much, and journalists who like Boris like him terribly much. But I’m not complaining. I’m not. I try to do my job, and the fact that I have been successful at it is the reason I’m still here, if you must know. This is a competitive job, and I have to watch my back so that some of you on the other side of this podium won’t take it from me. And Sue too must not.
No, no, no, no questions yet. No questions. All those hands that you raise, I can tell, are meant to disorganize this press briefing. They are because I’ve been on this side of the podium for too long not to know. And I know already that you want to ask another pro-Boris question. What did you say, Ken of The Maslow? You say your question is about Sue, not Boris. We’re saying the same thing, same thing I can tell you. See, when you guys take on the Sue matter like that it’s because you want to argue in favour of Boris. I know it. What? Liz from The Status, you say your own question is about the Tories, not Boris. Listen to what you’re saying. So, what’s the difference between the two? Tories, Boris, Boris, Tories. Even you, listen to how they rhyme. They are one and the same. Anything you want to say about Boris and the Tories is the same. Both are our enemies, Boris more so.
But I can breathe a sigh of relief, you know. What? You say why did I say that, Betty of QTV? With you, in particular, I have a challenge, a serious one at that. So you don’t realize that- and pardon me, you know I was once a university lecturer; you shouldn’t mind that I want to take my time to lecture you well. I have to, otherwise you might misunderstand me, and I don’t want you to. Look, when I was a lecturer, I mean on my first day on the job, I was almost sacked. Why? I wanted to take my time to get to know my students, so I took a not so aggressive and less talkative approach. You know what happened, the students reported that I wasn’t good. The management considered sacking me. I didn’t know this at the time. However, having gotten to know my students during the first outing, on the second outing I went all the way out on the attack. I chirped like a parrot, explaining all the details they needed to know as students of Politics.
By the time I finished with them, the students reported to the management that I was too good a lecturer to be true. Even this I didn’t know, until a management staff called me to say all this and encouraged me to continue on the same trajectory. I learnt my lesson and I never looked back since then. When it comes to politics I go all the way out on the attack, you know, like Harry Kane and Marcus Rashford. You know Kane and Rashford, don’t you, Betty? Unhm, like Kane and Rashford. So, Betty, I must lecture you about what you don’t know.
First, let’s turn to Sue. The fact is that Sue is a gray area, well I mean to say grey matter, if you look at it from the perspective or my party leader. By that I mean she’s a good choice. I will explain because I know you’ll ask me questions. As we speak, I can tell you for free that I’m the happiest man in the whole of the UK. What? Ken, you say is today my birthday? Are you happy only on your birthdays, Ken? Well, I refuse to be drawn into such a controversy so that you don’t misquote me. I have a bigger battle to fight than that, battle like Boris for instance. In fact, he’s the only battle I have to fight, never mind that he has resigned as MP. That politician remains as formidable as the London Bridge, what with all those members of the party that are for him; in any case did you ever see the London bridge fall down in all the years they sang London bridge is falling down? It remains solid as ever. You see, no serious politician must take their eyes off the maverick. Ken, you raise your brow. Ha, you don’t even know what this is about. I can tell you don’t. You see, what has happened is more than my birthday. It’s about em– em– Sue, right? It’s Sue we are talking about.
For me she is a gray area in the entire calculation and I must say we need the controversy the job she accepted from my party leader has generated. And I will tell you why. You see I need to protect my job. Didn’t you listen to the excuse my party gave? They say they want Sue as Chief of Staff to my party leader now for possible bigger role when we win. Now, this off the record. It’s off the record, right? Good, otherwise I won’t give you those snippets into the happenings at the highest level of our party that give you guys the exclusives that have helped you to keep your jobs. You can be sure I want to help all of you keep your jobs, but I must keep mine first before I can help you with yours. Listen, Sue is a threat to me. What? Who releases a gasp there? I mean how could all of you release such gasps? Over what? Is there anything wrong in what I said?
Didn’t all of you see it? My party leader will make me lose my job if he gets Sue to do a marvelous job in government when we win. This is why I like this controversy her appointment has generated. I understand the Cabinet Office alleged she broke code of the civil service by not reporting that she was contacted by political actors over a job offer late 2022. No matter how you look at it this is a good controversy where my job is concerned. And don’t any of you think of me as something strange. Don’t. Because all of us have to protect something. I’m protecting my job. Won’t you protect yours if you were in my shoes?
Now, I’m not happy with our party leader for so many things. One, he recruits Sue. Two, he seems to have a head for wanting some em– brilliant minds, I mean capable people around him. If he starts with Sue, there is no end to where else he may go. Where does that leave me and my job? And you know I’ve worked so hard for this party, and we achieved our aim of getting Tory MPs to force Boris to resign from Number 10. It was the coup of the century, such a popular leader, and I was at the centre of it. If you think I blow my own trumpet, I must, otherwise no one else will do it for me. So, I applaud what Cabinet Office is doing; they should clear this gray area off my radar. They should.
Fact is that when we get to Number 10, I want to remain in this position of clearing the air. There won’t be air to clear if Sue makes the government run well. There needs to be controversy around Number 10 always. There must be or I won’t have any job left. I enjoy my job, interacting with you guys as often as I do. Then there is the pleasure of appearing on TV every prime time, as well as my weekend round of interviews. Ha, when politicians go to rest and leave the big stage during the weekends that’s when I occupy it. My name is quoted for saying this and saying that. It’s massive kick for me. Sue’s presence and expertise in our government will ruin all of that. Governance is boring without controversies, you know. Even you guys won’t have scandals to report. Just imagine Number 10 without scandals.
Come to think of it; give me a reason why I should trust Sue, why my party leader should trust her. Those Tories have said she stabbed their government in the back by accepting a job offer from their number one enemy even while she was in the civil service. Who says she won’t jump ships when she works for us? It’s a point I plan to raise with my party leader. Meanwhile, the Cabinet Office is doing a good job. Did you hear the Cabinet Office minister? He said a civil inquiry found a “prima facie” breach of the code about outside interests to be clear and transparent – meaning an apparent contravention of the rules based on first impressions. Technical jargons, all of that; the important thing for me now is that there’s still the gray area that should be cleared before she can take up the job offer.
This is on record; you may report that there are a few minds within Labour that do not support the choice of Sue. Sow the doubt, add the usual words that make an appointee appear controversial, and that will help me retain my job. You know how it is, emphasise the attacks by the Cabinet Office and blow it out of proportion. We may be helping those Tories but so have their MPs helped us to get here in the polls. But I won’t let anyone take my dues when the time comes for all of us to occupy office. Report that there are gray areas to be cleared before she can take up the appointment. Yes, emphasis that it’s important– O, my phone is ringing. Pardon me, I need to take the call. My party leader. Yes sir, You say what did I think? You did fine sir, Excellent choice, Sue. Yes, I think so sir, excellent.
tunjiaoa@gmail.com
