By ’Tunji Ajibade
Yes, yes, who’s the journalist saying that? You? You must harbour pro-Nigerian views. Or, are you a Nigerian? It’s Nigerian journalists who ask that kind of insubordinate question. They’re too bold for their own good. Meanwhile, I welcome all of you to this first World Media Conference in Niamey the capital of Niger Republic; note I say Niger, not Nigeria, because many of you journalists from the western world make that mistake. By the way I hope no journalist from France sneaked in here. France and all their journalists are banned until further notice, no offense meant. It’s just that this is a sovereign nation, not Mr Macron’s foot mat at Palais de l’Élysée.
First, let me tender my apologies for the fact that I have to address you in French. I need to say that before some of you start to ask why we ban France and we still speak French. We have to communicate one way or another until my superiors decide what they want to do with France and its French. We are a sovereign country. In case what I say in French gets lost in translation, never mind. You can always blame the interpreter. He feels jittery sometimes, which is perfectly understandable. It’s a tense period in the history of our nation. In fact, everyone is tensed up because we don’t know what our superiors may do next. This is a military regime and you know the way we do things. That one is off record, by the way. But you can always call my office to clarify what I did say in the course of this press briefing.
Note, I say call. I’ve not said, walk across the streets of Niamey to my office. Stay in your hotel room and call. Otherwise I cannot guarantee that there won’t be stray bullets. These are challenging times in this city and everyone needs to protect their head, including me. That’s just a joke. But I suspect the Nigerian journalists here may go and report it that I say I am afraid of our new government. Look, you Nigerians can go and report whatever you like. We know you. You claim freedom of information and freedom of press like a baby that lays claim to a mother’s breastmilk. That’s what you do. But this is Niger.
Meanwhile, make sure you have crossed the border into Kano or Abuja if you must report anything defamatory. I cannot guarantee your safety if you don’t. These are difficult times and Niger is a sovereign country. Don’t forget that. Yes, back to the matter of the coup. First question, please. What! You? I don’t want any Nigerian journalist to ask me questions about the coup. You will get me into trouble with my superior. Questions from Nigerian journalists always get Public Relations Officers into trouble across Africa. And it’s because Nigerian journalists commit the fallacy of thinking they can do what they do at home in other countries on the continent. See, I don’t want to get into trouble so I withdraw my offer to answer questions about the coup.
Let me tell you, I know Nigerian journalists like the back of my hand. This one you see here will splatter the story on the front page of the newspaper, claiming I said what I have not said. It’s too risky. I mean it’s a security risk that I can’t afford to take. All of you, hmn? All of you can ask me any question but not the coup. It’s a no-go area. Yes, anyone with any other sensible question that doesn’t threaten France? Sorry, I meant to say a question that doesn’t threaten Niger’s national security?
Yes, you. Hmn-hmn. I know that kind of question will come. Wait. Are you a computer? Are you? I must ask because of the manner you reeled off all those accusations against Niger’s brand new leadership without blinking. Look at you, saying in one breath that my boss, Gen Tchiani, has declared himself the head of the National Council for the Safeguard of the Homeland, the military junta set up after he seized power on 26 July; Gen Tchiani has rejected all suggestions of compromise, he has kept most international envoys at bay, but that he gave an audience to Nigeria’s ex-central bank governor and former Emir of Kano, Muhammadu Sanusi, on Wednesday, Gen Tchiani refused to see the US Deputy Secretary of State Victoria Nuland, visiting Niger on Monday, Gen Tchiani refused to see a delegation from the Economic Community of West African States (Ecowas) and that the delegation got no further than the airport, Gen Tchiani has refused to approve a planned second joint mission by Ecowas, African Union (AU) and United Nations (UN) envoys, scheduled for Wednesday. But these are mere allegations, a figment of the imagination of you European journalists. I know France must have set you up to commit this mischief even though you are not a French citizen yourself.
Listen, this is not the right time to receive foreign dignitaries as my boss is too busy with national assignments. He is, and you need to accept that. You too, when you are reorganising your house is it then you bring in visitors? Yours is no question, and you need to do better next time. Next question, please. No, not next question. Let me give you the good news first before you all ruin my mood with your questions that can threaten national security. I’m pleased to announce to you that my boss, His Excellency and most Gracious Gen Tchiani has announced the appointment of a prime minister who’s a former finance minister and African Development Bank official.
What? You ask if such an appointment doesn’t indicate that my boss wants to rule forever. And how is that your business? You work for a radio station. You do, right? Hmn-hmn, I said so. It’s radio journalists who ask that kind of question because they want to spread wicked rumour without their face being seen since they are inside radio. Let me tell you, if some detractors send you hear to undo this people’s revolution, you can’t succeed. You can’t. Wait, is it not on your radio station it is said that the removal of the ex-leader who is from the minority Arab community might open up ethnic tensions in Niger? It’s not your radio? I won’t be surprised if it is though, because some of you journalists are alarmists. You see mammoth where a gentle little gazelle is grazing gracefully. It’s what you always see. Be rest assured that cross-cultural cohesion and national identity are here. It’s the strength of our nation, in case you don’t know.
As for a former rebel and senior minister who has now launched his so-called “Council of Resistance” to restore the ousted leader to office, he’s an agent of foreign enemies and we’ll deal with him in due course. In case you don’t know, I can assure you that we have a better qualified and eminent leader here, I mean my boss, General Tchiani. I hope none of you will return to your desk and write insidious report, insinuating as some are already doing, that General Tchiani is a traitor and that he committed treason himself by overthrowing his former boss. That’ll be a crime against the state and I won’t tolerate it. In fact, at the slightest sniff of any such unwarranted and imagined report I shall tear apart your Press Pass. Yes, try me and see, and you’ll know that teeth is a better knife than knife. This is Niger and we’re sovereign state, not Mr Macron’s foot mat at Palais de l’Élysée. No nonsense.
From your questions I can see that many of you here don’t know the antecedent of my boss, General Tchiani. Ok, let me ask you: who can be better qualified to lead Niger than this illustrious son with almost 40-year career in the military? Let me tell you what you don’t know; Gen Tchiani was trained at military academies in Senegal, Morocco, Mali, the US and France, even though mentioning France is tantamount to committing treason at this time in Niger. But if you mention Russia, you are on course. Yes, fully on course, and you may write good lines about Wagner Group as well. You may, because they’re all in our good grace at this time.
Okay, what was that I was saying? Hmm? O, about my boss, General Tchiani? Very right. Thank you, Diara Pemba, thank you; I know you are from Burkina Faso. O, is it Mali? All the same. Those are our brother and sister countries. Yes, they are and you are highly welcome, Pemba. By the way, remind me to add one more to your Press Pass. Double Press Pass is what I’ll give you because you a VIP. Any journalist from Guinea, Burkina Faso, Mali etc. is a VIP in Niger. Those countries offer to support us to counter any threats from our enemies such as Nigeria. I was saying General Tchiani served in UN peacekeeping operations in Ivory Coast, Sudan’s Darfur region and the Democratic Republic of Congo, in an Ecowas force in Ivory Coast, as well as in the Multinational Joint Task Force in which troops from Niger, Chad, Nigeria and Cameroon collaborated in the campaign against militant Islamist group Boko Haram.
And forget that insult that General Tchiani had been in charge of the presidential guard for too long and that was why he began to covet the seat of the president, the reason he began to see himself as the president. So he planned this takeover. If he has been in charge of the presidential guard since 2011, what should that tell you? It means he was em– em– how do the Americans say it? It means he’s damn too good. Yes, that’s what it means. By the way, General Tchiani is a soldier’s soldier. He was never seen around politicians, strategising how to handle tough diplomatic issues. But he had always been assigned to specific military tasks. Sorry, one moment. It’s my phone ringing. I suspect I may have– It’s an unknown number, and I wonder why anyone would hide his number while calling me. It has even stopped.
Pardon me for that interruption. Yes, I was saying my boss is the best man for this job and under him there shall be peace and em– em– everything good you can think of in Niger. Good things won’t come from France from now on, but from Russia. I can assure you of that. What? Who asks that question? You? You said how would we respond to the allegation that–? It’s my phone again. A second, please. Ah, this is a foreign number. Who knows? The person may have a job for me out there. Even becoming a mercenary for Wagner Group is better than the hell in here.
Hallo-
END.
