By
’Tunji Ajibade
Ha, your hands are up in the air already eager to ask questions as soon as I say I’m from North Korea and I shall be your MC for this occasion. That’s the challenge I have with you journalists from the West. You ask too many questions, the type that can take the shine off the MC; well, em– I mean, take the shine off the occasion itself. But you may go ahead. Yes, you in red tie to my left, what’s your question? Is that it? So what has the armoured train in which the Great Leader travelled from Pyongyang into the Amur region in Russia got to do with starvation that you allege is widespread in North Korea? What? There’s yet a second part to your question? Okay, shoot. Both questions are the same. You find something wrong with the Great Leader’s armoured train, and again you ask why he’s coming with his limousine in the armoured train; you say it’s unnecessary extra expenses since his hosts could have chauffeured him in better Russian limousines. I’m–
By the way, that loud honk you hear in the distance announces the presence of the train carrying the Great Leader from North Korea, and I’m sure the train is not less than five kilometres away from here. You may start to applaud now and bow intermittently; that’s if you’re not averred to bowing and showing respect to a leader who’s five kilometres away. Thank you, thank you so much – but the applause should have been louder, more energetic even; that’s how we do it in the Great Hall of the People back in Pyongyang. In there, everyone must start clapping at least five minutes before the Great Leader appears at the entrance of the hall. Anything to the contrary is not permitted. But this is Vostochny Cosmodrome in Amur region in Russia and you sophisticated Russians and the journalists present at this event are strangers to what applies in Pyongyang. That’s no problem though; as your MC for this august visit by the Great Leader I shall be informing you about what is appropriate and acceptable to the very high and sensitive sensibilities of the Great Leader. Very important, because at this high level of diplomatic contact no faux pas must happen.
Right away, and as a useful tip, I can tell you for free that the Great Leader enjoys cartoon featuring beluga whales, bottlenose dolphins, fur seals and Misha the walrus. So that young Russian with the headgear of a bottlenose dolphins is right on target. I can assure you the Great Leader will tiptoe above the giant frame of the Russian Bear to look at you and give you a thumb-up accompanied by a smile. That’s if you aren’t lucky enough to get invited to a dolphin show in the Great Hall of The People, all expenses paid. And the Great Leader likes people to be in their best behaviour around him, including clapping and smiling even when you don’t feel like it. It’s where he gets his kick, you know. You should be in your best behaviour, as that would leave a great impression on the Great Leader about you Russian citizens in particular. I don’t need to offer such tips to journalists from the West; they’re stuck in their own way of doing things, just like a certain Laura Kuenssberg looking stern during an interview as he told Prime Minister Boris Johnson when he was still in Number 10: ‘Let’s be serious’.
Meanwhile, as we wait for his arrival I need to warn you that you shouldn’t join anyone to gossip about the Great Leader. In Pyongyang, gossip is a treasonous offence and I shall not be surprised if the Great Leader cancels this trip, turns and goes home when his nostrils pick the slightest scent of gossip; you know that won’t make this city look good. Even you, think about it; North Korea wants to help Kremlin with its war in Ukraine, but you residents of this city make it impossible. It can tarnish your image, and back home the names of such citizens are deleted from the citizens’ records. Yes it happens, and without trace. I wonder why Moscow hasn’t adopted the same treatment for dissidents, I suspect the Great Leader might suggest it to the Russian Bear. He might do so considering that they have a bombastic friendship going on between them at this time. You know what I mean, don’t you? I’m sure you do, more so as you are aware that exchange of bombers is on the itinerary.
I hope you can hear me over there. My mic gets to you, doesn’t it? O, good, because most of our mics back home are rustic, they don’t work as they should. How can you expect us to have workable mics when all the state funds go into building ballistic missiles, the Great Leader’s favourite toys? You would blame the government for not subsidizing manufacturers here in Russia, but back home I would get all the blame for mics that don’t work in the course of doing my job as the PR officer in the Department of Foreign Relations. I could lose my job and I could be sent for reorientation in some remote mountain village, that’s why I ask about the mic. If it doesn’t work well, I could be accused of treason, of disgracing the fatherland and the Great Leader in a foreign land.
Note that in a few minutes I won’t be able to talk to you as I do now. I’m candid and I talk candidly now because the few other stern looking officials from Pyongyang that you see here in our advance party don’t speak English. The handful who do are on the train with the Great Leader, so you can be sure I’m with you only for as long as it takes their train to crawl to this venue. Once they arrive, you are on your own; I’m to praise the Great Leader to a fault, just as all citizens are required to do back at home. I hope you know that praising the grandfather and father of the Great Leader is a national assignment in North Korea. Ah, I see some of you shake your heads; so you don’t know. But it is, and the more wicked you are at putting on display your passion to carry out the national assignment the better for you if you want to be a part of the elite.
My grandfather and father were wicked in this national assignment. They spied and reported their brothers and sisters to the authorities for offences such as gossiping about the great leaders and refusing to show respect to them behind closed doors. That was how my grandfather and father rose to become senior officers in the service of the government, and the reason I got considered for my post at the Ministry. But the way, don’t say wow when the limo of the Great Leader is offloaded from the train. Don’t wow! Just clap. You, why do you squeeze your face? Or you think the limo from Pyongyang is inferior to what they have in Russia? Don’t deny it, say what is in your mind. I know that is what is on your mind. At least one of you western journalists has already insinuated that the Great Leader wastes funds purchasing limo while people starve to death in North Korea.
Soon, you’ll insinuate the Great Leader wastes funds constructing ballistic missiles that he fires on occasions when he’s bored and wants some excitement. You can say what you will. Just know that enemies are more than foes where the Great Leader is concerned and that’s why he’s so determined to protect us his subjects. Yes, enemies are more than foes. Mark it. What with the Americans calling the Great Leader names. President Biden is an enemy, never backing off in his opposition to the Great Leader’s mighty effort to defend his subjects by expending billions to acquire missiles. I’ve never seen such a determined enemy before. But President Trump is a foe, calling the Great Leader ‘Rocket Man’ at first only to relent later; he visited North Korea and exchanged smiles and handshakes. Don’t forget the British, the Canadians, and the French, all enemies and foes combined.
So, when you ask the next question say what is exactly on your mind. Say it, so that I can lecture you and correct your erroneous notions about the Great Leader and the great and happy people of North Korea. Be open with your questions. The only thing is that I won’t stand here and permit you to mock this limo made in Pyongyang. I won’t. It’s the pride of North Korea even if you people allege it’s a copy of what obtains in Seoul. That’s what you always say – any good automobile made in North Korea is under license from Fiat, Ford etc. But that’s between you and I. Don’t mention such when the Great Leader himself arrives.
Say only the things that are acceptable to his sensitive sensibilities, otherwise, he will complain to the Russian Bear that you are rude to him and that you gossip. And I’m sure the Russian Bear won’t hesitate to send any Russian caught to work in the mountains of Vladivostok. Any western journalist caught in the act may be unfortunate to have the police discover as dangerous drug in his travelling bag a bottle of marijuana-made pills meant to kill body pains. You know that’ll earn you 500 years in a Russian jail, don’t you? It’s better than ending up with hard labour in Vladivostok anyway. So you can make your choice. Be careful is all I’m saying. In Russia and North Korea, insubordination to constituted authority is a high state offence. So don’t get caught.
If you wow when you see his limo, the Great Leader will know automatically that you gossip about his person, and there’s his em – em – dressing. Wow silently at that one. Maybe I shouldn’t even mention his beloved oriental suit that covers his well-endowed stomach so well. But on that one, you can give credit to his tailors in Pyongyang. The Great Leader would like it. The tailors are doing a good job. They are the Servile Row of our country, you know; so don’t think it’s only in the west you people have Servile Row, Dior, Givenchy, and Da Vinci. Hmn? Did I say Da Vinci? Well, forgive me. Famous names are famous names, who does what makes no difference to North Koreans. Don’t expect me though to admit that North Koreans envy you people in the west.
Meanwhile, if you wow when you see his limo, the Great Leader will know that you also carry rumour that his subjects are starving and they live in abject poverty. Such talk is treasonous and you mustn’t engage in it even in this Russian city. Don’t say I haven’t warned you. Right, I understand the armoured train carrying the Great Leader has finally arrived. Don’t forget the etiquette I’ve taught you so far. Ah, well, I hear that the Russian Bear has also arrived with his entourage. You see, everything is timed perfectly as the Great Leader meets the Bear. I can assure you it’s what you get when two great leaders have a bombastic relationship. What with the bombers that the Russian Bear will be showing off to the Great Leader, including the types that have seen active use in the war in Ukraine such as the Tu-160, Tu-95 and Tu-22 bombers which have regularly launched cruise missiles.
If you say I give you snippets of this visit you won’t be wrong. That’s what you get when an insider is your MC on a grand and historic occasion such as this one. Wow, you can see that the Great Leader has– What? Did I say wow, myself? Ah, well, that’s what happens when you are wowed yourself; I mean how can the Great Leader arrive and one wouldn’t be wowed? Look at him, he’s coming out of the armoured train now, and the Russian Bear is walking towards him. See, the Russian Bear has grabbed the hand of the Great Leader, in a very warm– O, wow! The Russian Bear has grabbed the hand of the Great Leader in a warm handshake now for upward of 20, 25, 30, 40 seconds? Yes, 40 seconds on the dot, not one second more, not one second left. And you can see the big smile on the faces of the two of them. You can see it, don’t you? Just look at!
