By ’Tunji Ajibade
Only the great Muhammed Ali could have delivered a punch and Sir Kier would feel it. And I mean that punch by Ms Litman, it stings like Ali’s. Didn’t you hear Ms Litman say the opposition leader shouldn’t be left off the hook in spite of his focus on Number 10? She even said Sir Kier is not really clear on his position regarding this matter in focus? Can you see what I’ve always stated during my weekly briefings? The opposition leader takes no stance on anything, ever imitating Ali’s wonderful footwork in the ring on all issues of national importance. That’s what Sir Kier does, and I can tell you without blinking.
So when Ms Litman said she wasn’t really interested in who comes out on top after the latest round of what she called juvenile verbal sparring in the House of Commons, she could mean only one person. You know sparring can happen within one person. O yes, it can if one person acts as though he’s two. And that’s what I see as the elections draw closer. He’s become two persons in one. One is below and one comes on top, out here for us all to see. I imagine it’s the two Ms Litman must be alluding to. That’s my reading of the situation. And I’m never wrong in my analysis of our political situation; you guys from the press are well aware of this by now. Yes, Sandra. You say who am I referring to. You mean the two persons in one? The opposition leader, of course.
He has become two persons in one if you check him closely. In fact a detailed check will show you he has one mouth hidden and one mouth with which he tells the electorates all manner of trickery. Yes, trickery because he’s using trickery to set the people against Number 10. What? Bill, of Daily Post; you say that’s an unfair accusation. If you have become the spokesperson for Sir Kier you have to tell me. See, Bill, don’t be deceived, no one knows where the opposition leader stands on any issues these days. He says two things at a time. Only two persons can say two things at a time. But Sir Kier has put all natural laws on their heads. O yes, that’s what he has done since he began to exhibit this indescribable desire to occupy Number 10. He’s overambitious, that I can tell you. Only overambitious politicians behave that way. Sir Kier dodges what he can in our political discourses. I’m sure he will prefer to be more categorical in a salt-in-tea debate that an American chemist stokes than tell the electorates exactly how much he wants to spend on going green.
Check the facts yourself; it’s only Number 10 that has been speaking clearly to the good people of this nation of late. And I’m confident it was what Ms Litman was saying. And before you accuse me of putting words in her mouth, I must admit that she made a valid point on some issues that we were discussing. I mean some of the issues you press people raised since I began this briefing. Truth is that as Tory spokesperson, I’m meant to– Hmm, Ms Litman; what she said would have made a good political advertisement for us against those Labour people. What? Betty, of Bristol Gazeteer. You are asking if am a member of a group of former Tory aides suspected of working on a plot to replace the prime minister. I –em, I –em, I can only say that’s an unfair question to ask me at this difficult time. Even you know that the times are difficult, politically explosive even with what the polls are saying. So I don’t want to touch on such a sensitive matter. Bear it in mind though that this matters was linked first to Simon Clarke who publicly called for a change of leadership, and it was within his right to so do as party member and MP. In any case if you read my lips you only see a smile there and nothing more.
Sandra, do you know how to read smiles. No? Ah, well, I won’t blame you because the man who now so over-ambiously seeks to occupy Number 10 doesn’t smile. If he did you would have been able to learn how to read smiles since he got his own face into every paper and every TV box these days. So un-encouraging a phenomenon. He looks too serious always. And I imagine that if he smiles, his smile will scare any baby in a pram. And that’s the kind of person those Labour people make their leader. Cast him as a gentleman in a Charles Dickens TV drama and he would sure look better than a politician seeking to enter Number 10.
Meanwhile, I say all of that not because I want Number 10 to –em –em. Well, if only we can come up with a change before the election. But if not, I –em. Even if it happens immediately after the election it will do because this is not looking good at all. But that’s between us here. Don’t report it. I can tell you that the– Yes, Bill. You say Number 10 hasn’t commented on the salt-in-tea debate as well as the clarification made by the US embassy here. If I can tell you anything I can tell you that Number 10 has been busy working for the people, that’s why. As for the opposition leader, he shies away from real issues and he will tell you anything you desire to hear about the salt-in-tea controversy. Just go to his office at the Commons this very moment and you see how gladly he will receive you; he will regale you with more stories than salted tea even, an abomination by all British standards that I know.
He has so much time for such things that he may advise you to heat up your tea water in a microwave, even though Prof Fancl who proposed salt in tea has said tea water in a microwave is less healthy and it does not taste as good. But that’s the opposition leader for you; he’ll tell you anything that sounds remotely opposite what Number 10 says. Anything whatsoever. And it’s all because he’s so overambitious to steal this job from us. But Number 10 sure takes note of the assurance the US embassy has given that the unthinkable notion of adding salt to Britain’s national drink is not an official United States policy. And never will be. But opposition will be interested in pursuing the matter because they want to divert the attention of the innocent electorates.
Those Labour people have nothing to offer and that’s why their leader dodges issues at every turn. Sir Kier changes his mind on every policy issue, particularly when he and his Labour people are caught red-handed. I mean on those occasions you fact-check and you tell them their figures don’t add up. By the way, don’t take to heart that accusation about the image of Number 10 in the mind of the public. It’s the opposition that’s behind it. We know the occupant of Number 10 has character, everyone says so. Never fact-check what I say with Sir Kier though. He’ll confuse you and your editor won’t be happy with your report. Don’t say I don’t warn– What? Bill, you say your reports won’t be balanced then? You aren’t getting the point. I mean the entire point behind my regular weekly press briefings. It’s all about crowding out Sir Kier, don’t you get that?
Uh, sorry, I take that back before someone reports that I disrespect reporters. I don’t. It’s just that this thing gets to one sometimes. You know what I mean. The Tory condition is critical and nothing I do appears to have brought us to the corner I desire. And you know it’s my job to make us turn the corner in this battle for the minds of the electorates. I wish good old Boris were here. Boris Johnson. He knows how to win minds of citizens, and his presence would have lessened the burden I’ve had to carry. Just imagine, the other day Ms Truss burst the bubble, going out there to announce she’s setting up a new group within our party. Like one of my Nigerian friends say, we are saying we should finish the ekuru bean cake from the bowl, but some still spray the gravy back into the bowl. My job may be on the line the way things are going. And that’s my point. Imagine, some Tories even say Number 10 will lead the party into December safely but that will be the end of his journey. What kind of talk is that? I’m busy here patching the image of the party together, but other members are busy spreading our dirty linen on top of the parliament building.
Yes, Sandra. You say what action will the party take against Ms Truss? Ha, what action can the party take when the party itself is in a critical condition on NHIS list? Nothing. It’s how things are at the moment, and that’s putting it mildly. Sorry? You say what does Truss’s new group tell us about the Tories. It’s still the same thing we’re saying, Sandra. Okay, if you don’t get what I mean, let me regale you with what Truss did. She says hercampaign is to galvanise Britain’s secret Conservatives and fight back against the left wing extremists that have taken over Britain’s institutions. She says successive Tory governments have failed to stand up for Conservative values. So what does that tell you? All of them don’t stand with Number 10 at this time. Wait, Sandra. Wait a minute. That Truss hasn’t attacked Number 10 in the process doesn’t mean my job is made easier.
It seems you are not getting my point. This thing takes attention away from me. As the party spokesperson I should be at the centre, but I’m not except you guys manage to put me right back there through your reports, a difficult thing to do considering where we Tories have placed ourselves. What? Bill. You say, so this has become a personal thing. Ha, what do you think politics is all about? Of course, it’s harnessing personal interests and presenting them in a bunch to the public as public interest. No one wants to lose. Number 10 doesn’t want to lose. I don’t want to lose when all of this hit the finishing line in a few months. What then should I be–
END.
