By ’Tunji Ajibade
Em– em– Tim, you have to pardon me since your question is about Ms Haley. I really don’t want to dabble into anything that has to do with our intra-party rival in the course of this press briefing. But, since you raised the question, I might as well give my briefest response otherwise you guys would make it the focus here, something I don’t want. You see, I can tell you this as the spokesperson of our Grand Old Party; our campaign is ever methodical. If you remember Cambridge Analytic and their scintillating performance you get what I mean. And if you know Mr Trump closely as I do you realise he’s too mathematical to engage Haley on just about an topic that caches her fancy. Why does he need to? You too can see that Elon Musk’s space missions have proved to be more successful than the balloons Haley sends into our atmosphere from time to time. They burst before they rise 3 metres. Kids’ play. Note that I say our atmosphere, nothing beyond. That’s all our inter-party rival has done in this campaign, compared to us. So why should Mr Trump–
Yes, Tim? You say have I become Mr Trump’s personal spokesperson? Well, your TV station is a good product, but if you choose to not speak glowingly about it that’s your decision. I know where the wind is blowing so I sail with it. It’s politics and good political sense matters. What? You say Haley raised a vital point. Well, Tim; you and I know that in America we all have a point to raise; it’s how we’re raised, one reason we are Americans. You’ll agree with me everyone must raise a vital point once it is Donald Trump. It’s good because it means rivals within and without are afraid of us. My principal evokes such strong emotion in Americans as he’s a product no one can ignore. We have an excellent product, that’s what this Haley with her vital point indicates. Those who try to package and repackage their own products are restless as we speak. They know Trump is coming. Don’t forget that he was the president until very recently. So what do you expect, that those in the White House wouldn’t raise vital points, or someone like Haley who’s– Look, this is–
Yes, Tim? So what should we make of that? You say, Haley’s campaign manager described the endorsements Mr Trump gave her daughter-in-law for RNC co-chair as “rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic”. First, I’m surprised you don’t see the danger in what she’s saying, Tim. Don’t forget she added that her principal’s plan for the RNC was to “blow it all up”. See that? Violent language. Blow up. Are they Houthi rebels that blow up ships in the Mediterranean Sea? The effect of these antagonists on RNC will be more serious than those volcanoes erupting in Iceland, I can tell you. Even you won’t get any airplane to board to see your wife and children back home.
That’s the danger this Haley talk represents, and you guys in the press should have called her out on it rather than focus on Mr Trump who means well for our dear Grand Old Party. In any case, who talks like that about the Titanic, that iconic ship in which the loss of so many innocent lives still pains all of us? It tells you how un-mathematical the camp of our rival is. Mathematicians calculate everything down to the last number before they shoot. And that’s something Mr Trump does best, the reason his business booms and he has even diversified of late. Such a man with a great mind. Who would have thought he would market sneakers. It’s one reason you just can confine Mr Trump to a corner. Once he returns to the White House he’ll market America such that we all become more prosperous at home and abroad. We are talking about a man who as president once told the Saudis that their $12 billion weapon purchase from America was peanut. He made them bring in more dollars for us. You know he’s good at business; if you check closely, government is business, and he’s a good salesman for America. So we are talking about Mr Trump who knows his onions, not Haley who doesn’t even know her way to the Statue of Liberty let alone the Middle East where good money can be made. See, Business is business, and you know Mr Trump been so good at it.
As for Ms Haley who’s not mathematical and points her gun to shot all birds that fly past, because that’s what she is doing at the moment, I can only say sneakers to her. I may buy a pair and send to her so that she can go hunting, shooting all birds that fly in the sky. We move on. We won’t even engage Ms Haley at that level, that I can assure you; and never Mr Trump who’s ever focused on family and country and border and those nations in Europe who delight in feeding fat on America’s largesse forever. My principal has said it’s got to stop. America First. That’s what this is all about, not all these balloons Ms Haley is sending up in kids’ park.
And before any of you guys remind me of what Mr Trump said about– Yes? Linda, of The Scope. You say considering what Mr Trump did in the White in his first term in office and what he’s doing to RNC now, is it that he wants to turn both government and RNC into a family affair? Wow. It’s good you asked that question. I had actually thought you wanted to ask about sneakers. And it would have been good if you did. You know any press at all is good press in the mathematical world of Mr Trump. You asking questions about sneakers is business; more millions will come into Mr Trump’s account. Business is business. Wait, Linda, on your question about RNC and family affairs, what do you think the MAGA project is? America as one big family, of course. That we do the best for ourselves and our nation first in all things, and Mr Trump has no apologies for that.
And, if he starts from people around him, what offence has he committed? Look, let me tell you this: Mr Trump is a family man; in fact, I’ll call him America’s Number One Dad. Don’t you see how much he cares about his family? That’s a great value Americans cherish, another reason the pro-life bloc loves Mr Trump, if you don’t know. So for Ms Haley or any of our rivals to be baking their favourite cake on Mr Trump’s well-known love for the family is politically em– em– And in case anyone is imaginative enough to call Mr Trump America’s Number One Father-in-law, I’ll send them a pair of sneakers. If it’s you guys who show such ingenuity I’ll give you a recommendation letter to your editor that he should promote you. Everyone needs promotion, like me that eye the press briefing room when Mr Trump gets to the White House. Who knows?
But, Linda, even you know that here we’re talking about a great man who builds people. That’s what he does, Mr Trump. He raises leaders. Don’t forget that the other time his son-in-law and diplomatic salesman in the Middle East did a fantastic job. The current occupant of the White House is building on his legacy, you know, even though they won’t let you in on that one. They keep it like CIA keeps secret on the UFOs. I’ve never seen rivals who don’t acknowledge the good work of a fellow American like these guys you see in the White House. Mr Trump is not like them. He gives credits to whom they are due, including the Rocket Man when he agreed to meet him that time. That’s who Mr Trump is, and don’t you believe those who want to paint him in bad colour on an artist’s already tattered canvass. They just don’t like to see a good man looking good anymore, these our bitter rivals. And you know Mr Trump is a good looking dude, don’t you, Linda? Yeah, I like that smile on your face; it tells me what you don’t want to tell me. What can America need at this time better than such an agile man, very agile for the number of years on earth we’re looking at. It’s a great gift, Linda, I can tell you that for free. As for those who are bent on using a bad paint brush on a tattered canvass for Mr Trump they’re only belly-aching, it’s all they know how to do.
See, we’re talking about Mr Trump who creates rooms for people with potential to exercise it, all for the good of America. If such people happen to be family em– I mean if they happen to be those who are bright and loyal and em– Meanwhile, don’t forget that politics is about loyalty. No one tells their enemies to watch their back for them. Come to think of it, Linda. You’re a feminist, and I think you should be applauding my principal over his choice of the RNC co-chair. Remember that the daughter-in-law we’re talking about is an achiever in her own right. O, yes, she is. Great American. They type we like to see symbolizing us. She’s bright, intelligent, has shown that she can– In fact, Mr Trump describes her and the other two people he has endorsed for the RNC seats as “highly talented, battle-tested, and smart.” His daughter-in-law has actually proved herself on our national space as–
What? Ryan, from Great Oak. You say– Wait, wait, why is it that no one has asked me about sneakers? I’m waiting. Well, Ryan, I know your questions are ever foreign. So shoot. Even if you want to know about the latest car in Mr Kim’s collection. By the way, you know the North Korean leader is an astute car collector. Ah, he is; he loves car so much that he doesn’t mind collecting one from Moscow with all the risk that the car might have been wired by the Kremlin. Anyway, why not? As one of my friends in Nigeria, of the Yoruba tribe, likes to say, it is the thief who knows the path of a thief on the rock. That’s off the record though, all those things about the Rocket Man. It’s got to be because you know my principal met Mr Kim before. And I can tell you it’s only an American leader that’s got balls who could have done that. There’s the–
Yes, Ryan? You say my principal has been stingy with words about Navalny, the Russian activist who died in President Putin’s prison. I choose to be stingy with words too before you allege in your report that I say my principal is stingy about words for Ms Haley, and even those in the White House. Next question. Is that? You want me to explain what Mr Trump will tell President Putin regarding the death of Navalny if he happens to win in November. I choose to believe I didn’t hear you. All I can say is that Mr Trump is focused on the campaign, working hard to clinch the White House first. Any other question, please, before I move to the main reason for today’s press briefing? You guys have yet to ask me about sneakers. Yes, Tim.
END.
