By
’Tunji Ajibade
Can someone join me to applaud the Bluebird Broadcasting Company? I’ve always maintained that the opposition Labour Party has no plan, and recently the Bluebird Broadcasting Company helped to expose the fact that they don’t. Another round of applause for Bluebird Broadcasting Company, please. Another one. And another one. Thank you, thank you, and thank you. You see, if all of you gentlemen of the press were kids, I would have asked you to stand up, roll your waists three times like belly dancers do on a dance floor and that would have been fun. Of course, you know kids like fun. And I–
Yes? Ted, from The Archer. You say, why do I seem to like the Number 3 today? That’s a fantastic question, and you’re absolutely right too. It has to do with something the Bluebird Broadcasting Company did. As I said Bluebird Broadcasting Company did a good job of late, and I’m sure you know what I mean. So I won’t have to tell it all over, except to point directly at the yolk within egg white. Mind you, don’t entertain your imagination by thinking Bluebird Broadcasting Company is a friend of the Tories. Far from it. It’s just that they inconveniently– no, I mean, they inadvertently did a good job for us that time and I’m not sure they are even aware of it yet.
When was the last time I held this press briefing? Shortly after, one opposition MP, a shadow minister, was interviewed by Bluebird Broadcasting Company. O, how I love the interviewer and his no-nonsense questions. Yes, it was no-nonsense. In the process, he caught Labour with their hand in the pot of red soup, a huge chunk of beef in it. Listen. How are you different from the Tories? came the interviewer’s question to the MP after one of the MP’s round of rambling on a policy that was not different from ours. Another round of rambling followed from the MP which the interviewer had to interrupt, saying, Does it stick in your throat that as a worker who worked his way up, your party leadership forbids you from joining the picketing embarked upon by the unions?
The MP’s response showed the opposition was interested in workers’ plan to embark on strike only in the same manner a cat is interested in fried fish on a table, and eyes it all the time. That’s it. Nothing more. To use the strike as a cheap means to castigate us is what they are interested in. They don’t care a honk what happens to the workers, and it’s there in the MPs responses. You people knew what he said, asserting unashamedly that as a party they didn’t want to be seen to be picketing, rather they were interested in being in government. Imagine that, they don’t want to join workers and identify with their demands. But they use the same demands to attack us. I’ve said it before, these guys have no plan, no policy that sets them apart from us. They are reactionary politicians, the whole bunch of them.
The punch came when the interviewer accused the opposition and their leader of simply sitting down to ride on their two-digit lead in the polls. He said their leader’s approach was to do as little as possible, that he was encouraging Labour members to do nothing, and that their motto was caution, caution, caution; just watch, do nothing, and let the elections come. Caution, caution, caution; it’s the reason I like Number 3 today. You see, that’s the party that wants to take over from us. Even you, gentlemen of the press, judge the matter. Don’t you think they will be lazy politicians if you ever give them your votes?
Or, what kind of government do you think they will give you? They don’t have a clear plan or policy now, nothing that’s different from ours; is it when they steal power from us that they will have any? For now, these people have no alternatives to the Tory potency of more than one decade in 10, Downing Street. They never did. They’re only riding on the back of some matters that we’re sorting out among ourselves, so no one should take them seriously. Please, help me pass this Tory line of defence to the citizens. Very important.
That’s not all. You see the interviewer for Bluebird Broadcasting Company that time would be a good publicist if we were to recruit him for the job. Imagine this. He went down story lane, no, I mean history lane, recalling all the great political leaders who had signature policy and then he– Well, it was at that point I had my grudges against him, you know. Serious grudges because– Yes? Ted; you asked, what could the grudges be? You mean you didn’t notice it yourself? Tell me you are only pulling my legs, Ted. You know you’ve always been a funny guy. Anyway, the Bluebird Broadcasting Company interviewer committed a grave error of monumental concoction, I mean proportion, on that occasion.
Imagine, he mentioned all the great political leaders of the western world – Ronald Reagan and our much revered Margaret Thatcher. Don’t forget that our party produced that first female Prime Minister in the history of the UK. The Iron Lady. O yes, we did. Ask Labour, did they ever achieve such feat? Maybe they did on Mars, not here. Those Labour politicians, they can tell you anything. Don’t be surprised if they said they run a fabulous government on Mars. It’s in their genes to tell fabulous tales. Check them very well; they and their leader, Sir Kier Stammer, must be lovers of science fiction. Specifically, space fiction. O yes, they must be avid watchers of fiction films.
Yes? Ted. You say I was about to mention the monumental error that the Bluebird Broadcasting Company’s interviewer committed. I didn’t forget. I didn’t. It’s just that Labour has been labouring itself so much just to impress citizens. They know they’ve never had it to so good, so these days they just talk, attacking us over nothing. Nothing. They simply want to fill the media space all the time. It’s such a shame. If only the maverick of a politician, The Right Honourable Boris Johnson, were in Number 10. If he were, the opposition wouldn’t even be seen, let alone be heard for one millionth of a second in any 24 hours. That maverick of a politician knows how to put the opposition where they belong. By the way, the error the Bluebird Broadcasting Company’s interviewer committed has to do with Johnson. He mentioned everyone mentionable, I mean western political leaders who had signature policy but left out The Right Honourable Boris Johnson. It’s an unpardonable error of the century. O yes, it is.
Ted, you stare at me. But it’s a fact. You too, consider it. You need to play; do you field your first eleven or your third eleven for a very important football match? I mean in a dire political situation such as this one, what do you do? You need to remind citizens of the good old days, of their enigmatic and beloved political leaders among whom Johnson has a most formidable presence. Don’t forget that this was the politician that the whole nation believed, followed, and allowed to lead them through Brexit. You can’t afford to not mention such a politician when you have our kind of political situation on your hands.
In spite of the mistake he made, the Bluebird Broadcasting Company’s interviewer threw a bomb that I liked so much. It landed well, and caused monumental havocs in the camp of the opposition. You see, after the interviewer mentioned past political leaders with signature policies, he asked the opposition MP, What is your signature policy? Boooom. Expect the MP to uum, eem, and uhh that time, everything sticking in his throat. But finally he struck a line that he then followed. Nonetheless, his interviewer said, You seem to be facing both ways at once – meaning the opposition party doesn’t have any clear policy position that can set their potential government apart from ours. I shall send the interviewer my congratulatory message. I have to, because he showed to citizens what the Tories have always been saying about these opposition people.
Alright, now I shall deliver my–
