A Satire
By
’Tunji Ajibade
Thank you, Madowo, for inviting me to debunk the purported ban of Uganda from the African Growth And Opportunity Act. You see, Americans are like our twin brothers and sisters, and we don’t believe they did such a thing to us. As I speak with you, our team of experts are carrying out a forensic investigation on the purported ban reported by some tabloids; these must be tabloids that don’t like to see the genial and ebullient face of His Excellency the President anywhere on this planet. I strongly suspect it’s even his em– em– trademark hat they don’t like.
Frankly speaking, our investigation is beginning to indicate that the rumour of the ban emanates from the aching bellies of those who don’t like the fact that His Excellency wears home-made hat. His Excellency is an advocate of wear-what-you-produce; he doesn’t wear one of those large cow-eared hats imported from Texas. I think that’s the whole essence of AGOA, that we use home-made products and export same to the US free of charge. Even at that, AGOA as set by the Americans is a great initiative and CNN is just the right place to assure Americans that on AGOA and the rights of every human, Ugandans are in the same trousers with them. Don’t mind my choice of words; you know we Africans for who we are. We use our words like we use salt to season food, so that’s it. In Uganda, word is the palm oil with which we eat roasted yam.
By the way, we were there at the AGOA summit that the US held lately in our brother nation, South Africa; I mean we were there in spirit. From Kampala here, we watched the summit through the lattice like a bridegroom eager to see his bride; that was what we did and I can tell you that for free. We had to because this ban as some of Uganda’s detractors have termed it is actually the outcome of misunderstanding between both nations and we’re greatly saddened by it. Yes, we are. The White House would have known this if it did a forensic analysis of how we got to this stage. Forensic analysis is the in thing these days, isn’t it? Even simple AI check would have told White House officials all they needed to know, rather than leak to the tabloids what they were thinking concerning us. They should have checked all that is alleged to have happened under the able leadership of His Excellency, the undisputable leader and father of the nation, and by his grace the one who will rule Ugandans forever.
Meanwhile, the White House ought to know by now that when it comes to the interest of the Americans, when it comes to defending democracy against communists, His Excellency remains the only Mount Everest there is here on the African continent. White House should have considered this plus in his favour rather than start a brouhaha over AGOA. His Excellency is the bulwark that communist infiltrators can never overcome; some of then can continue to fight from the bush as much as they wish. And don’t ask me about the Chinese and communism, Madowo; don’t because China’s love for trade and wealth is one thing, communism is another. Even the Chinese have learnt to separate political ideology from good business that brings in money. Or, haven’t you heard that the Chinese have become more capitalist than the capitalists? There is the communist party and there is the market. Two different things. Wise leaders, they hold their people’s neck through the communist party but unleash the power of free market, making a lot of money in the process.
If you don’t know, Madowo, check how Beijing has been supportive of multilateral trade institutions the way White House didn’t in recent past. And you may ask Number 10 Downing Street how they fear China’s hi-tec technology companies so much that they cancel their contracts with them, worried about China dominance. Good business to make good money is one thing, political ideology that helps whip citizens into line is another. So I will advise the Americans to not confuse our stand regarding culture, tradition, and politics with trade. The two aren’t the same, and His Excellency knows this best. As the spokesperson to His Excellency, and a member of his kitchen cabinet, I know for a fact that His Excellency loves Americans like he does his favourite drink, which name I shall not mention for fear of men with evil intentions.
You know those who have gone into the bush to fight His Excellency have evil intentions, don’t you, Madowo? Thank you, I know you do. You’ve even reported it on CNN. And you’re an excellent African yourself, from what I can see; so before you leave Kampala I will order that you be given the best of our hospitality, and don’t say no. Don’t, because one thing that pains an African is to reject his hospitality. This is not America where they say there’s no free lunch. There is free everything in Uganda, I mean everywhere in Africa where we like to entertain our guest with the best that we have. I have to clarify that so that my fellow Africans won’t say we Ugandans are self-centred; we are not and that’s one of the messages about us that I want CNN to convey to their viewers. Make sure you do, Madowo; make sure you do.
As for the allegation reported by some, claiming that Ugandan government hates human beings, that’s not true and I can reiterate what I’ve said that we wear the same trousers with the Americans even on human rights matters. We love people – men, women, and everything in-between. In fact, His Excellency plans to launch a national initiative called Love For All. The initiative will be successful because the government will show love to Wine to serve as an example. You know Bobbi Wine, don’t you? One guy who has his eyes on what only patriots who have paid their price in bush wars should have their eyes on. He’s an example, if you want to see how much our government loves people. In fact, Wine is being given the best treatment in his house as we speak – well if you choose to term it protective custody, good luck to you. What we know is that our government is a lover all humans under the sun, this sun that you see. Ha, you don’t even let a ray of sun into your studios, Madowo. In Uganda, we have so much sun and we let it shine on all, including Wine and his accomplices who are now enjoying the best of government hospitality which is an indicator of how good His Excellency’s initiative will be.
Okay, even you think about it. How can anyone say we don’t love all humans when we are doing what one of the faces of Americans support? You know Elon, don’t you? Who doesn’t know one of the richest Americans ever to live? Everyone does. Madowo, even you know that when Elon speaks, it’s Americans that speak. He said lately that he’s for the perpetuation of mankind. He doesn’t want mankind to become extinct. When we passed our law, it was the same thing we had in mind, or didn’t you see it? It’s the same thing, so we are on the same page. And you know whoever is on the same page with Elon will get the best publicity, or what with his millions of followers on X? But I’m surprised White House doesn’t see it that way. Rather it went ahead to impose what some tabloids are gleefully reporting. Elon doesn’t want mankind to be extinct, we don’t want that too, so we should be receiving as much applause as Elon does on his X page for his advocacy for the survival of mankind on this planet. We’re baffled that this hasn’t happened, instead White House takes action that isn’t fair to Uganda farmers.
Madowo, you know as well as Ugandans do that it is a woman that carries a baby in her belly not a man. So our law was meant to ensure Ugandans contribute their own quota to the perpetuation of mankind on our planet. This is something all Americans appreciate. Or, have you forgotten that candidates for the White House win big votes when they put their family value on display? At campaign rallies men have beside them their women who carried their kids. So we mean well, and the Americans need to see our point of view. I should also advise the Americans to not see His Excellency’s comment that we have the capacity to achieve our own growth as an attack. His Excellency likes America, and em– assuming he wants to retire from office, he will retire to the sunshine state – Florida; you know Florida has as much sunshine as Uganda does. And His Excellency will bring a lot of American dollars with him into that state. Well, em– I didn’t mean to say that; it’s a slip so please cancel it. Cancel it, I don’t want to lose my job. Fact is, on the issue of retirement I’m not in the best position to guess. I’m not, and don’t bother to ask me questions about it, Madowo. Don’t, unless you have another job for me. It’s really a delicate issue, a complex one, especially as 2025 approaches and His Excellency is silent.
As I was about to say, please don’t join those other tabloids to report rumours about His Excellency’s policies. My job here, as you well know, is to clear up em– em– any mess; sorry, I mean any foul air anyone in our government must have left behind. Don’t misquote me o, I didn’t say His Excellency did anything of such. But you as a journalist know what my duties are and that’s the reason you invite me on your programme. I’m saying that His Excellency didn’t mean anything alluded to him so far on the AGOA matter. He has been unfairly misquoted. For instance, he didn’t say Ugandans shouldn’t be over-concerned. He didn’t say White House overestimated itself. He didn’t mean all of that. He didn’t. It’s just that some tabloids like to blow issues out of proportion.
As for the angle of whether His Excellency said some foreign governments underestimated the freedom fighters of Africa, I can confirm to you that it is true. It is, even though I don’t like giving credits to these tabloids so that their heads don’t get swollen beyond their neckline. I understand one tribe in Nigeria calls it girman kai, swollen-headedness, a terrible disease indeed especially if it catches owners of tabloids that like to over-hype themselves. And when it comes to the angle where His Excellency is quoted as saying that Uganda has the capacity to achieve our growth and transformation targets even if some foreign actors do not support us, well the best I can say is that good editors in any good tabloids should have had the good sense to edit it. They should have, or is it that they don’t know that farmers in Uganda will earn less dollars if this plan to ban goes ahead? Are they farmers’ enemies?
In any case, the ban will take effect in January 2024, so Madowo, consider this interview as our first step in the effort to mend fences with the great and amiable American people. Please, make your listeners note that; punch it for them. It’s important. Even His Excellency’s senior aide and son-in-law Odrek Rwabwogo said we’re open to discussing the issue further. What? You have another question? Go ahead. I hope you are not going to ask me if Rwabwogo is the heir to the throne of Uganda as some are speculating. Don’t. And I won’t even answer you because there are others as well who eye the throne, including His Excellency’s son in the army. So don’t put me into trouble with anyone. I want to remain here speaking for whoever His Excellency decides to place on the throne; returning to the poor farming village where I came from is not an option for me.
END.
