A Satire
By ’Tunji Ajibade
Thanks everyone and please have your seat. I’m over the moon you stand up for me as I enter the press room as though I am PM. Good of you, and you’ve just added better to a good day that I’ve had so far. It’s been a good day and I can tell you that for free. Never mind that The Guardian and The Sun threw many punches at us today as usual; it’s their habit and we’ve learnt to take the hit on the chin with a smile. If you notice, PM smiles no matter what happens. What can we do? We’re at the mercy of you press people as one Nigerian former minister once put it. Ha, Jessica you’re already raising your hand. Sorry, it’s not question time yet and if I sniff the air in this room well I know you want to drag me into those speculations about the king’s tie at COP28. Or is your question not about the Elgin marbles? I won’t go there too, at least not yet otherwise I will lose track of my itinerary for this press briefing.
By the way the observation made by the former Nigerian minister is apt actually, and it is one reason I’ve been putting PM under intense training to learn to take it all from the press without blinking. And you can see it’s working; he doesn’t blink so much these day. In fact, he’s more relaxed even in the face of those bashings coming from the ballot box. I hope you press people know that you haven’t been the only group bashing us left right and centre these days. Ha, you don’t know; you must be pulling my feet Nick. You sure do. Was it not your newspaper that ran the headline, Tories Eye Exit Door, after the last set of bye elections? It was a wicked headline really, I mean a cruel joke. How can you suggest we consider quitting twelve months to a general election? Who does that? We are much focused on those Labour people, strategising on how to do them a punch they won’t forget, I mean give them the election shock of their life. But the controversy in Middle East has not even helped matters. It has taken the attention of PM a lot, you know; I’m talking about the trips and the rest of it. It’s happened at a time PM wanted to sit on his deckchair and think how to undo the Labour threat.
Meanwhile, don’t mind what Labour are saying. As the mouthpiece of PM I know their strategy well as I do the name of the tissue paper I use in the rest room in my house. I do, and I still remember it as I speak because my kids tested me on it even this morning and I got the answer right. But don’t let me mention the name of the tissue paper so that Tory detractors in your newsrooms won’t splash it on the front pages tomorrow – PM’s spokesperson does free advertisement for tissue paper company! Who knows? They may even stretch their imagination to assert that I am advertising for the company because I’m already preparing ahead for another role in another job away from Number 10. See, let me tell you, and make sure you pass it on in the morning papers tomorrow that we the Tories aren’t going nowhere.
That’s the fact, because we’ve been strategising full steam like those super-reliable smoke puffing locomotive train engines that we now raise our nostrils at. Didn’t any of you guys see some of the outcomes of late? Eh, Nick, you say you have not. Well, it was a coup and I am surprised you said you didn’t notice. Meanwhile your newspaper noticed all the coups executed by some boys in khaki out there in Africa. What? Jessica, you say in which country? You tell me– Uh, I take that back; I mean I won’t tell you so that I don’t mispronounce a name and some of you turn the mistake to headlines. We’ve had enough bad press as it is. (an aside) As if my knowledge of that continent is anything to go by. (continues) I was actually about to say I didn’t want to go further on that topic so that I wouldn’t be accused of calling Africa a nation. It’s a tricky issue, especially after some African diplomats here say high-profile spokespersons like me don’t help matters. They say we call the name Africa as though it’s a nation when it’s actually a continent with some 53 nations, and more are still waiting to break away and come into existence. Maybe I should take that last part back, so that the news won’t be on front pages tomorrow – Number 10 incites secessionists in Africa.
I was talking about the Tory strategy. Now I return to it, and it may yet take a while before I return to topics that I know intoxicate– sorry I mean excite you the most. I’ve been strategizing with PM on how to counter the Labour challenge. But you said you didn’t notice it. However, you all reported that Mr Cameron who was once PM had become the FM, didn’t you? So which strategy were you expecting bigger than that? Rob, your TV station reported it. How do you mean you didn’t. What about that pantomime form of news report in which you said PM had appointed Mr Cameron? You also– Rob, you say that is just doing ABC Of UK Politics for children so they can understand what is going on. Must you explain such complex things to children?
That’s what we’re saying; you throw hard punches at us and say you only shadow box. It’s good old Mr Boris Johnson that knows how to handle you guys. Gone were the days; gone were the days when he was– I hope you guys aren’t recording yet. Right, thank you; so that you don’t catch that part and, phew! I am out of this job. It’s just that one cannot fail to remember the time when politics was politics and politicians were politicians and they straddled the political stage like a colossus, their person and their personality snuffing out all this noise about Tory problems that you guys like to report. Anyway, where are where we are and I can tell you that Mr Cameron is not just the choice of PM. He’s not. Where we’re going is clear even though I won’t want to let the pigeon out of the cage yet, so that those Labour people won’t wake up real time.
They are in sleep mode now, Labour, they are sleeping. Ha, you say you don’t know. After the last bye-election they celebrated until they caught sleep. What they don’t know is that picking less than two thousand votes from us in some locations is not the ultimate in politics. Or who’s telling them it is? In one night we can catch up and overtake them in the polls. That’s politics for you and I have been here for long to know. Yes? Nick. Wait, it’s not time for questions. There’s still a lot I want to divulge. You guys still aren’t recording, are you? Good. There are some inside scoops I plan to give you, that’s if time permits me because I’m having another strategic meeting with PM shortly. You see so much is happening at this time that I can hardly hold my breath.
I don’t mean those accusations made against us by Labour people. I mean, we the Tories and what we are doing to turn this around. What? Nick. You see, I’ve just said all of you should hold on and hear gist, but Nick is impatient. He’s asking questions about Mr Osborne and how he doesn’t agree with PM on the Elgin marbles. Well, I can say your question about Mr Osborne isn’t badly timed. It isn’t. Actually I don’t know why Mr Osborne chooses to allow himself to be lured into this by some reporters. That’s the truth. He’s a party faithful and the fact that he’s now boss of The British Museum doesn’t make him one who shouldn’t still abide by the principle of collective responsibility. Eh? Jessica. You say Mr Osborne is not a Member of Parliament. He’s not; but he once was and he still remains a Tory.
In any case Mr Osborne has just helped me out. In fact, he sparked a better controversy as though he looked at the palm of my hand the last time we had a handshake and he foreknew what my strategy was. He’ll make a good palm reader if he takes to the trade, and I can wager he’s make a lot of money. Rob, you say what help did Mr Osborne render to me? Well I may not want to be so quick this time so that I don’t let a few things out before their time is ripe. All I can say for now is that PM has responded robustly to what Mr Osborne said and I think that should suffice for now. You need to know that as for what led to the Elgin marble controversy I was behind it. O yes, I was. Of course I told PM that– You’re still not recording, are you? No. The Elgin Marble is a good publicity for us; especially PM and I’ve advised that he should make the most of it. The strategy is working perfectly, I mean with the British public who like that we have such highly-prized items in our collection. This is the best place in the world to keep such monuments as any British voter on the street will tell you.
So PM has popular support over this. It’s just that a few people do not let us hear voters’ views that matter, including Mr Osborne who I wish will let Labour people do what he is doing. They are better for me to handle, Labour people. Imagine them saying this is ‘pathetic’. Over what? A move by PM that they ought to support if they were patriotic? I will let them waste their bullets shooting, because we know where the voting people stand on this. PM was clear; he said Elgin marbles were legitimately acquired at the time so no illegality was committed. The challenge I have now is to convey that part clearly to the public, and you know it’s my job. By the time I’m done Labour people will know they’ve carried too many bullets than they can pocket.
I’m even considering advising PM to sue them for treason! Imagine, Greek PM meeting with the leader of the opposition party. It’s a symbolism that that they’ve taken over government and in places where governments take no nonsense they would know where they would be by now. What? Nick, you say are we riled? About which one – Stammer meeting Greek PM or Osborne opposing his superior in Number 10? What? The king? We’re taking politics you are talking history. Of course we know Prince Philip had his roots in Greece; but politics is what we are talking about here. It’s annoying, Labour meeting Greek PM while Greek PM rebuffed our offer that he should meet with the Deputy Prime Minister.
See, we can’t take anything for granted here. 2024 is the focus of Labour people and no foreign interference will be permitted, not even the Russians and their computer geeks. Do you know the symbolism that sends, I mean that meeting? Labour are presenting themselves as the future– In fact this is an affront and we aren’t going to take it lying low. So you are right Nick, it riles. Meanwhile, the celebration they’ve been having since the last bye-election is still pushing them here and there as if they have too much beer in the belly. It was what I was strategizing with PM to capitalise on. We wanted to catch them unawares, but now Greek PM has em– dropped unpeeled fresh beans in the salad. He spoiled the show, saying it loud that he would talk to PM about Elgin marbles at their scheduled meeting. If he didn’t, we know that meeting would have passed safely and I would have returned to the roulette table to take on Labour people. Now see the harm foreign interference has cause.
But ‘it remains’ is what the gun says. It is what gun says in a Nigerian dialect when it sounds. It was another Nigerian friend of mine from the Yoruba tribe that told me this, and I believe him. See, I need your support on this and in return I’ll give you some scoops about those Labour people. Real scoops that each of you will splash on your front pages which will boost your profile. On our side I shall be working on the same narrative with PM so that he pushes it. As for you, this is what you do for me: when you write your reports take it from the angle that this is a national battle for a national asset. Repot that Number 10 is absolutely right but Labour people are wrong.
Also say PM and Mr Osborne are on the same page, but PM will not make British voters lose what one of their national icons acquired legitimately at the time he did. And that PM is keen to ensure the national assets remain safe here, rather be maltreated in some foreign nation. Yes, Rob? You say I can’t teach you what to report. Wait, now. Let me finish laying out the strategy first then you can tell me what I can and I can’t teach you. In your different reports, let your audience know that–
