’Tunji Ajibade
tunjioa@yahoo.com
So you feel it’s strange I come to the podium dancing ‘buga’. The song is by a Nigerian musician. Buga means “hit them” and I’m eager to hit the opposition bad even as I speak. The song is trending on Youtube at the moment, made popular by a visiting politician from Nigeria. He had a successful session at Chatham House so he entertained his guests by dancing to the song. It was fun, and you needed to see him – very authentic, very Nigerian. It’s just the right tonic I need, you know; I mean buga. It’s the right tonic for a moment like this.
Yes, Ted, from The Archer. You say, what has a song got to do with this press briefing? That’s an inappropriate question and it shows you still don’t understand. In fact, the question is not just inappropriate given the circumstances, it’s politically incorrect. O yes, it is, and you may tempt me to rule you out of order. You see, you guys have been taking the toad and ostrich story that the opposition party has been selling to you. Now that we the Tories say we’ve had enough of their ostrich story, and we want to offer our own side of the story, you ask inconvenient questions. I thought you would be asking me the very moment I danced to the podium what kind of soup the Labour party members have put themselves into. Because that’s their unenviable situation at this time.
Yes, Nick, from The Goof Daily. You say, the situation of the Tory is no different. Well, I shall choose to not begrudge you for expressing such an indelicate sentiment. Really indelicate, because I expect better understanding from a veteran political journalist like yourself. The best I can say is that we are what we are at the moment and there’s not much we can do about it. Really this is the kind of dull political moment you get when your brightest political star is forced out of No 10. It’s what you get. But I can tell you that, and this is between the two of us, the situation is an embarrassment for many Tory MPs. You won’t get to hear such sentiment expressed in the open though. But as I said, Tory is what it is at the moment. We’ll find a way around it, I’m sure. It’s Labour who’re feeling high at the moment you guys need to focus on.
They are Labour, aren’t they? They’re in labour this very moment, that I can tell you. Yes, Ted. You say, why do I say that? You mean you’ve not noticed the labour that the Labour party puts themselves in? They make fantastic political promises that will take a century to actualize. It’s what they’re doing. And I congratulate them mightily for their effort. I wish them safe delivery. What they’re doing confirms what we’ve always said. Labour has no manifesto, no plan all this while. None. We’re their manifesto. In fact, all the time the Right Honourable Boris Johnson was the Prime Minister of this great country, he was their single manifesto. Didn’t you see how their leader, Sir Kier Stammer, was grabbing at his heels everyday during Question Time? If not that Boris was smart, maverick of a politician that he was, Labour people didn’t say they didn’t imagine wanting him to go back to spend more days on NHS bed. That’s how grieved they are about our larger-than life Boris. But Boris was too smart for that.
And now that they don’t have Boris as their easy target anymore, they’re taking the entire Tory as their manifesto. Yes, we’ve been their manifesto for a long while, until, I think, one strategist whispered it into their ears that they would soon shoot themselves in the hat on their head if they didn’t have a plan to sell to citizens. Until then they didn’t have any. Now, it may interest you to know that– Yes, Jane, from The Gaffer. You say, I should explain what I mean because you have seen their plan. You see, this is the difference between a news hunter and politicians. We know how to sniff things, but you news hunters know only how to read things. Jane, let me ask you; do you mean to tell me that when you see a plan you can’t recognize it? What they throw around is no plan. How could you even venture in your wildest imagination to call that a plan?
See, don’t let anyone cajole you by carrying around blank sheets of papers, putting such in your nose and asking you to read. Can anyone read what is put right at the base of their nose? That’s what those Labour people are doing. They tell you to read a document which they have no desire that you read. It’s pathetic, what these people in the opposition party are doing. Pathetic. Let me tell you what they’re doing since you don’t know. They are buying time for themselves with that bundle of papers they put together which they call plan. They have nothing in it, I can tell you that, nothing. Just plain sheets of papers. Yes, Jane, you say that’s not possible because you saw the 40-point plan with your very eyes. Exactly what I mean. You saw 40-point plan. You saw 40-point plan and you didn’t burst into laughter.
Which political party comes up with 40-point plan in this age? And I mean in this age when people’s attention span has shortened so much that– Who has time to read such things? And they are so insensitive that they made it public. Made public a 40-point plan? Who needs such, at this time everyone is concerned about inflation? These Labour guys have not started. They’re still demonstrating. In a normal time their demonstration would have passed unnoticed. In fact, at the time that maverick of a politician was in No 10, none of you news hunters would have had time to cast a glance at the labour that Labour party has put itself into. 40-point plan.
Well, things have changed and we are where we are, we the Tories. Imagine, Labour sets 40-point plan, made so much noise about it and then said they were sending it down to the people for more consultations. Which serious political party does that? Which political party engages in that kind of labour if not because the times aren’t what they once were under a certain Boris. Times aren’t what they used to be, otherwise those Labour people would have found that their demonstration didn’t even last thirty seconds in public consciousness before the maverick who was once in No 10 would come up with something dramatic and pushed them out of the news.
By the way, I learn that the opposition party entertains it as one of their 40-point plan the thought to abolish the House of Lords. You can see what I’ve been saying. Labour people don’t know exactly what they want to do with their time, and so-called two-digit lead they purportedly have in the polls. At this period when citizens want relief from economic challenges, abolishing a centuries-old institution is what they labour themselves over. This is what happens when citizens mistake a plan-less political party for a real one such as ours. Our present condition is what sells Labour, otherwise they have nothing to offer and citizens would have seen it if only Boris were here to articulate these things for people as he was good at doing. 40-point plan. Something that Boris would have explained to people in two sentences and that would be the end of the matter. But– well– It’s a good thing that they don’t even recognize they’re setting fire to their own backside. Yes, Nick, you say how do I mean?
Of course, it’s what they’re doing. You must be aware that their plan to abolish the House of Lords has attracted quarrel among themselves. O yes, it has. There’re members, I mean former Labour members of parliament who’re in the House of Lords who have been speaking against the plan. I hope they continue to pursue the matter and it becomes a really sore point before the next election. It’s good if they fight themselves when they don’t need to.
That shows the kind of people we’re talking about; people who wouldn’t let a sleeping dog lie when they should. Did you hear that their leader doesn’t want to speak about the plan to abolish the House of Lords in some of his latest public outings. I hope he changes his mind and speaks about it, stoking public resentment and more opposition within Labour’s rank. We need them to fight themselves since we lack someone to effectively fight them with his mouth as it used to be the case in parliament.
Now, I return to the main reason for this press briefing–
